Shouldn’t Have Rented Conspiracy Theory

, | Portland, OR, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [online movie rental]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m having a problem with my account. I think I may have uncovered a serious conspiracy to keep me from getting movies!”

Me: “That’s definitely not good. I’d love to take a look at your account. May I have your name please?”

Caller: “I’d better not give you my name. They may be listening now. I’d rather make this as anonymous as possible.”

Me: “That’s fine. What’s going on?”

Caller: “My postman will only pick up my movies every three days unless I put a dollar in each return envelope. I’m afraid you guys are paying them to do this!”

Me: “I can assure you we want you renting movies. That’s what we’re in business for. Have you tried returning your movies from another location?”

Caller: “When I do that, it takes even longer for them to get picked up! I’ve been staying up until midnight to put my movies in my mailbox so the postman can’t see. I was out last night, and I slipped on some wet leaves! I said to myself, ‘Why am I living like this?’ So, I thought I should call you.”

Me: “Sir, if you’re concerned your postman isn’t doing his job, I can get you a number for the mail customer care line.”

Caller: *whispering emphatically* “You don’t understand! He’s the only one and he has the only key! Look into the mailboxes! The only key! Beeeeee saaaaaaaafe!” *click*

Need To Purge That Urge

| WA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi! Thanks for calling. How can I help?”

Customer: “I need to know what kinds of [adult] toys you sell.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I can show you how to use our search feature! Are you on the website now?”

Customer: “I don’t want to look. I want you to tell me! Describe them.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can help you use the website.”

(The customer gets upset, and starts talking about her physical urges that demand these items.)

Me: “I will be more than happy to show you how to search on the website. If not, I will need to end this call.”

Customer: “I don’t have a computer.”

Me: “Well, do you have a friend’s computer, or maybe internet on your phone that you can use?”

Customer: “Nah, I don’t have none of that.”

Me: “Well, maybe a public library?”

Customer: “Nah. They don’t let me in there no more.”

Might Have To Go Through Alternative Channels

| Lincoln, NE, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite tv]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I just bought new equipment. Turn it on for me.”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

(I take down customer’s info. I try to turn his satellite TV on with no success.)

Me: “Sir, is your receiver hooked up?”

Customer: “Yea, it’s plugged in.”

Me: “Is it connected to the TV?”

Customer: “Of course. I’m not an idiot!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, they make us ask. Is your satellite dish installed on your roof?”

Customer: “Is my what on the roof?”

Me: “Your dish, sir. Is it on the roof?”

Customer: “I don’t have a dish on the roof, but I have over fifty of them in the kitchen.”

Post-Grammatic Stress, Part 2

| East Midlands, England, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “What date did you arrive in the UK?”

Customer: “Because I am teacher of English as second language.”

Studying Post-Grammatic Stress
Post-Grammatic Stress

Circular Calls

| PA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, does your phone number still work?”

Me: “Well, you’re taking to me…so yes.”

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