Please Dial Down The Dumb

| TN, USA | Right | August 9, 2013

(I work customer service for a cell phone company.)

Me: “How can I assist you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my friend bought me a tablet, but I keep getting this bill. Why?”

Me: “I see that you’re using the Samsung Galaxy, right?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “That’s okay; what you actually have is a smart phone. It’s like a touch screen computer you can make calls on, but it is a cell phone and comes with a monthly bill.”

Customer: “You can’t make calls on this; it’s a computer! Stop billing me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but do you see the green icon that looks like a phone on your screen? Tap that. What do you see?”

Customer: “A keypad.”

Me: “That’s how you make phone calls; you just dial the number.”

Customer: “This proves nothing! I know a computer when I see one! This is a tablet, and I’m not paying anything!”

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Blind To The TMI Boundary

| MI, USA | Right | August 8, 2013

(We sell blinds and wallpaper.)

Customer: “I need some blinds that will give me lots of privacy.”

Me: “We have a lot of different options. You may be interested in a blackout cellular shade. Do you have anything specific in mind?”

Customer: “Well, I need something that won’t get damaged if it gets Vaseline on it.”

Me: “Okay. Maybe a faux wood or wood blind then?”

Customer: “Can you see shadows through it? Because I like to cover my whole body in Vaseline and crawl around like a slug, and I don’t want my neighbors to see me.”

Me: “…um …no, you shouldn’t be able to see shadows.”

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Can’t Pin Him Down To A Number

| Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Right | August 7, 2013

(I work overnight at a prepaid phone call center. A customer calls in every night to change his pin, because he is paranoid. He is always abusive. His constant pin changes finally catch up with him.)

Me: “Thank you for calling; my name is [name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to change the PIN on my account.”

Me: “Absolutely, we just need your current PIN, please.”

Customer: *gives wrong PIN*

Me: “I’m sorry; that’s incorrect. I’ll need the PIN to access the account.”

Customer: “Listen, I need to change my PIN because I don’t know it. I don’t remember what I used last. I want it to be 123456. Please change it now.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, but we can’t change the PIN without verifying that this is your account. It would defeat the purpose.”

Customer: “I’m going to find out where you are and I’m gonna come down there and cut your head off. Then I’m gonna burn the building down and kill all of your friends, and then you’re gonna go home and cry into your pillow because you’re so lonely. What do you think about that?”

Me: “Well, I think if you cut my head off, I won’t get much crying done. I’m sorry that you don’t know your PIN. Unfortunately, I am done trying to help you. I’ve marked your account abusive, and you’ll need to hold for a supervisor.”

(The customer hangs up. His account is forever marked as immediate transfer to a supervisor, and he switches carriers. Those poor people.)

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A Gem Of A Customer

| Worcestershire, England, UK | Right | August 7, 2013

(A lovely, regular customer has called up after we have sent her the wrong thing. She has always been very friendly and polite and this is no exception.)

Customer: “Have you got what I was supposed to have in stock?”

Me: “We have some of the items. I’d be happy to send them to you for free.”

Customer: “Okay, well I’ll send this stuff back.”

Me: “Don’t worry about it, keep it. I know you can use it all, so just keep it.”

Customer: “Then you have to charge me for these beads!”

Me: “No, I will not.”

Customer: “Charge me for them!”

Me: “No, no, no, no, no, no.”

Customer: “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.”

Me: “No! You will have free gemstones if you like it or not!”

Customer: “Not if you’re not going to charge me!”

Me: “Too late! I’ve added them onto your order!”

Customer: “Well, if you insist!”

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The Science Of Silence Makes You Weep

, | St. Paul, MN, USA | Working | August 7, 2013

(I am chatting to a coworker using our internal messaging system.)

Coworker: “If a Silence looks at a Weeping Angel, does the Angel move forward, or does it forget it saw the Silence?”

Me: “It would remember, as long as it keeps looking at it, which it will, because if the prey looks away, the Angel doesn’t and moves in for the kill. It’s when you look away from a Silence that you forget it. If the Silence keeps looking at the Angel until it’s, say, behind it, or out of view, then the Angel will forget. But if the Silence so much as blinks, it’s dead.”

Me: “Therefore, Angels > Silence?”

Coworker: “Daleks > ALL.”

Me: “Cybermen are superior to Daleks in one aspect…”

Coworker: “Pffft.”

Me: “They are better at DYING. Bahaha!”

Coworker: “Haha yes!”

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