How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line, Part 2

| Oak Ridge, TN, USA | Bizarre, Technology

Caller: “Yes, I would like you to send me a new modem. This one you sent me is possessed.”

Me: “…Possessed, ma’am? What makes you say that?”

Caller: “I turn the lights out, and the beast stares at me with the eyes of Lucifer!”

(The modem she is using has two lights on the front. When the modem is powered on but not connected to anything, the lights blink red.)

Me: “Does the modem ever seem to calm down at all, ma’am? Or is it always angry?”

Caller: “It only gets angry when I unplug it at night, but I have to unplug it so it doesn’t bring other demons! I can’t leave it connected when I’m not watching it!”

(I spent a good 15 minutes with this lady, who was always very kind, explaining that the lights were only status indicators. She insisted the modem was possessed, and I eventually sent her a new modem with blue lights instead.)

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How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line

Can’t Get A Number In Edgewise

| Sioux Falls, SD, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “…Okay, well, if you need anything else, you can call us back. Would you like the number?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. Are you ready?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Wonderful. It’s 1—”

Caller: “What’s the number?”

Me: “It’s 1-8—”

Caller: “What’s the number?”

Me: “It’s 1—”

Caller: “1, yes, you said that! Hello?! What is the rest?! What is with this service?!”

How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line

| Tennessee, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Top

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] DSL tech support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My modem bit me.”

Me: “It… bit you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I went to turn it off and it bit me. And now it’s staring at me every time I try to get back in the room.”

(The modem has two red lights on the front that are lit solid when everything is working properly. The customer also sounds like they’re not exactly sober, so I decide that giving them a logical response won’t be much help to them.)

Me: “All right, what you should do is turn the light on in the room, close the door, and go to bed. The modem will stay up all night trying to get to you, but be stuck in the room. By morning it’ll be too exhausted to fight back and you can duct tape it to the desk to keep it in line from now on.”

Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

(The next day, he actually called back to compliment me for solving his problem!)