A Parrot On The Other Line

| York, England, UK | Working | August 13, 2013

(It is shortly after my uncle has passed away. I’m at his house helping his girlfriend sort out the documents related to all his bills, when the phone rings. As my uncle’s girlfriend had gone to get us lunch, I answer it.)

Me: “Hello.”

Telemarketer: “Hello there, my name is [name] from [electric company]. I would like to speak to Mr.[uncle’s name] about changing his electricity supplier.”

Me: “I’m afraid he passed away a few weeks ago, and is no longer with us.”

Telemarketer: “I see. So when do you think he will be available?”

Me: “He won’t. I said He’s no longer with us.”

Telemarketer: “So you said. I was asking when he would be back. It’s urgent I speak with him regarding his electricity bill, as we believe we could save him up to £50 per year on his bill.”

Me: “You’re not getting it. He’s passed on! My uncle is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life! He rests in peace! Am I getting through to you?”

Telemarketer: *hangs up*

(I told my uncle’s girlfriend this when she returned. When she realized I had quoted Monty Python, it was the first time I had seen her smile since my uncle died.)

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Nothing You Can Say In Reply

| Madison, WI, USA | Right | August 11, 2013

Caller: “Yes, I sent this request in to update the new rates weeks ago, and I still haven’t seen anything done about it!”

Me: “Okay, how did you submit that information to us?”

Caller: “I replied to the email from you people asking for the information of course!”

Me: “You replied? Ma’am, we send emails from an unattended inbox called ‘Do Not Reply.’ Did you reply to [email protected]****.com?”

Caller: “Yeah, I suppose that was the email address. Why?”

Me: “Well, first off, it’s from ‘Do Not Reply,’ and in the email it reiterates that this is an unattended inbox. It directs you to several other means of submitting that information with big bold letters that say ‘DO NOT REPLY.'”

Caller: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?!”

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Please Dial Down The Dumb

| TN, USA | Right | August 9, 2013

(I work customer service for a cell phone company.)

Me: “How can I assist you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my friend bought me a tablet, but I keep getting this bill. Why?”

Me: “I see that you’re using the Samsung Galaxy, right?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “That’s okay; what you actually have is a smart phone. It’s like a touch screen computer you can make calls on, but it is a cell phone and comes with a monthly bill.”

Customer: “You can’t make calls on this; it’s a computer! Stop billing me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but do you see the green icon that looks like a phone on your screen? Tap that. What do you see?”

Customer: “A keypad.”

Me: “That’s how you make phone calls; you just dial the number.”

Customer: “This proves nothing! I know a computer when I see one! This is a tablet, and I’m not paying anything!”

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Blind To The TMI Boundary

| MI, USA | Right | August 8, 2013

(We sell blinds and wallpaper.)

Customer: “I need some blinds that will give me lots of privacy.”

Me: “We have a lot of different options. You may be interested in a blackout cellular shade. Do you have anything specific in mind?”

Customer: “Well, I need something that won’t get damaged if it gets Vaseline on it.”

Me: “Okay. Maybe a faux wood or wood blind then?”

Customer: “Can you see shadows through it? Because I like to cover my whole body in Vaseline and crawl around like a slug, and I don’t want my neighbors to see me.”

Me: “…um …no, you shouldn’t be able to see shadows.”

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The Science Of Silence Makes You Weep

, | St. Paul, MN, USA | Working | August 7, 2013

(I am chatting to a coworker using our internal messaging system.)

Coworker: “If a Silence looks at a Weeping Angel, does the Angel move forward, or does it forget it saw the Silence?”

Me: “It would remember, as long as it keeps looking at it, which it will, because if the prey looks away, the Angel doesn’t and moves in for the kill. It’s when you look away from a Silence that you forget it. If the Silence keeps looking at the Angel until it’s, say, behind it, or out of view, then the Angel will forget. But if the Silence so much as blinks, it’s dead.”

Me: “Therefore, Angels > Silence?”

Coworker: “Daleks > ALL.”

Me: “Cybermen are superior to Daleks in one aspect…”

Coworker: “Pffft.”

Me: “They are better at DYING. Bahaha!”

Coworker: “Haha yes!”

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