Canada’s Net Worth

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Right | September 20, 2013

(I work in a Canadian call centre that is contracted by an American cable internet company. Therefore all my customers are American.)

Client: *after the issue is resolved* “I can’t place your accent. Where am I calling? Are you in India?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m in Edmonton, Alberta. That’s in Canada.”

Client: “Canada? Really?”

Me: “Yes.”

Client: “Do they even have cable internet up there?”

Me: *pausing to swallow incredulity* “Yes, ma’am, we do. In fact, we actually have had cable internet for a bit longer than most US markets.”

Client: “Oh, well, I don’t know nothin’ about Canada. I thought it was a third-world country or something.”

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Make Appoint To Forget

, | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Right | September 19, 2013

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]; how can I help you?”

Patient: “I need to cancel an appointment I have today.”

Me: “All right, let’s verify your information and then we’ll look at the appointment.”

(As the patient verifies everything, I note he is 25 years old, the appointment is urgent, and was made earlier that day. He has already spoken to a nurse as well.)

Me: “Okay. I see the appointment with [Doctor] at [time], and you want me to cancel it?”

Patient: “Yes. Oh, and can you tell me what the appointment was for? I can’t remember.”

(I hover over the cancel button as I tell the patient.)

Me: “Sir, it is for forgetfulness. Are you sure you want to cancel?”

Patient: *silent for a moment* “Yes, go ahead and cancel it.”

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Don’t Bank On Your Coworkers

| Dallas, TX, USA | Working | September 18, 2013

(My coworker has a good grasp on technology, and knows how to avoid spam. She has recently had her computer upgraded and does not yet have most programs to run the basics.)

Coworker: “Hey [name]? Can you open up ZIP files?”

Me: “Sure. Send it over.”

(I open the zip, and it’s an executable file from a known bank.)

Coworker: “Hmm. I still can’t open it. What kind of file is it?”

Me: “It’s an executable.”

Coworker: “I don’t know. I don’t even know this guy at [bank] who sent it.”

Me: “…do you bank with them?”

Coworker: “No.”

Me: “Delete it. Delete it now. Remove it from your trash bin. Start running scans.”

Coworker: “I shouldn’t have opened it, should I?”

Me: “No. But at least you didn’t run the executable file, unlike others in this building.”

(10 minutes later, another coworker approaches us.)

Other Coworker: “Hey guys. Did you get something from [bank]? I opened it, and now I can’t get onto my computer.”

Me: “Do you bank with them?”

Other Coworker: “No. But it seemed important! It was about my account!”

(I spent that entire afternoon running scans on every computer in the building to clean out the virus and keylogger.)

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Televisually Impaired

, | England, UK | Working | September 17, 2013

(I’m ringing to cancel my TV packages.)

Me: “Hi, yes, can I cancel my account please?”

Cancellation Department: “I’m sorry to hear that; can I ask why?”

Me: “I pay a considerable amount of money, and there is never anything on.”

Cancellation Department: “What about the other people in your house; won’t they want to watch TV?”

Me: “I speak for my family and pay the bills; I would like to cancel.”

Cancellation Department: “What about half-price movies?”

Me: “Nope, not interested.”

Cancellation Department: “Half-price sports?”

Me: “Nope.”

Cancellation Department: “Free Formula One?”

Me: “I am not interested; I want to cancel.”

Cancellation Department: “What about HD channels?”

Me: “Nope.”

Cancellation Department: “We have catch up services.”

Me: “That is free to everyone, and we have it on our smart TV.”

Cancellation Department: “We could upgrade your TV equip—”

Me: “Nope, no and no!”

Cancellation Department: “I don’t know what you want from me!”

Me: “I want you to cancel my TV packages please!”

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You Won’t Believe This

| AZ, USA | Working | September 17, 2013

(I am at home when a telemarketer calls.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, could I talk to [mother], please?”

Me: “Sorry, she’s not available.”

Telemarketer: “Don’t play with me. I want to talk to your mother.”

Me: “She’s not here. You can’t talk to her because she’s not here!”

Telemarketer: “So if I get off the phone, come to your house, open the window, and climb in, I won’t find her there? I could do that.”

Me: “Well, if you did that, one: it would be a crime, and two: you wouldn’t find her because she’s not here.”

Telemarketer: “I don’t believe you. Put your mother on right now.”

Me: “You know what? I’ve been more than patient with you. I’ve had it. Don’t call back here again. Goodbye.”

(I hang up the phone. It immediately rings again.)

Telemarketer: “We’re not done here. Put your mother on! I know she’s there!”

Me: “Fine, you got me. She’s kind of here.”

Telemarketer: “I knew she was there. Wait, how can she be kind of there?”

Me: “She’s here in body but not in spirit.”

Telemarketer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean she was mauled to death by a horde of angry platypi!” *sobbing voice* “I don’t even know how it happened. She was just sitting there, watching Days Of Our Lives, when they just came in with switchblades and shanks. She was watching TV; she never even saw them coming until it was too late! And worst of all: IT WAS PERRY THE PLATYPUS LEADING THEM! HE’S A MURDERER! A MURDERER!”

Telemarketer: “Well… I didn’t know your mother had died. I’m very sorry for your loss, and I’ll remove your number from call list. Goodbye.” *click*

Me: “…I don’t understand how he believed that…”

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