Freedom From Idiots Isn’t Free

| Washington, DC, USA | Money

(I work customer service for a website that has no fee to use it. It’s completely free.)

Me: “This is [company name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I signed up for your site, but I don’t want to pay for it!”

Me: “Well, sir, our site is completely free to use, so you don’t have to pay for it.”

Customer: “You say that, and then you’ll charge my credit card! The free is just a free trial, right? Then I have to pay! I don’t want you charging my card!”

Me: “Sir, there’s no place to enter your credit card number on our website.”

Customer: “I know! I’m not stupid!”

Me: “Then how would we charge your card if we don’t have the information?”

Customer: “You’ll just do it! I know how things work!”

Me: “Okay, sir. I promise we won’t charge your credit card, which we don’t have, for anything.”

Customer: “Was that so hard? Jesus!” *hangs up*

Polly Want A Chromosome

, | USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(I work at my University’s call center, soliciting donations from alumni. We are required to update alums on school news. I’m describing the new biology building to one alum.)

Alum: “Can I use it?”

Me: “The building? Well, it is mainly for current students and faculty, but you are always welcome for a guided tour.”

Alum: “I want to clone my parrot.”

Me: “Pardon me, what was that?”

Alum: “My parrot. It died. But I saved its body in my freezer. I want to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, even if alumni were able to use the building, our facility does not have the equipment necessary to clone your parrot.”

Alum: “No! You don’t understand! It was exceptional; it would stack rings and cups for hours. I want you to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m actually a biology major, and I assure you, we cannot clone your parrot.”

Alum: “Well, I’m going to contact the Biology Department. They’ll be more helpful than you are!”

(I’ve always wondered if she did, and if so, what they thought of the request!)

It’s Not Her Calling

| Raleigh, NC, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

(I am working when my phone rings. I pick it up on the second ring.)

Me: “[Call center]. Mary speaking.”

Caller: “Why did you call me?”

Me: “…pardon, ma’am?”

Caller: “WHY. DID. YOU. CALL. ME?”

Me: “Ma’am, I just answered the phone. You called me. Can I—”

Caller: “No, I didn’t! I just picked up my phone and you were talking!”

Me: “My phone rung and I answered it, ma’am. Is there anything that I can help you with?”

Caller: “No! I don’t know you! Who are you?!”

Me: “This is Mary from [call center].”

Caller: “No! No! I don’t know any Mary and I don’t know any [call center]. Why did you call me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I did not call you. Were you intending to call someone else?”

Caller: “I didn’t call anyone! You called me! I’m done with you!” *click*