Spoiled Like The Food On Your Dirty Dishes

| Tempe, AZ, USA | Family & Kids, Top

(I answer phones for a major appliance company. It’s Saturday.)

Customer: “My dishwasher’s broken!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that! Would you like me to schedule a technician to come out for you?”

Customer: “No! [Company] already did that! They told me I have to wait till Monday! I can’t believe you people expect me to go two whole days without a dishwasher. This is inhumane! I can’t do this. I have four kids!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it sounds to me like you have four dishwashers.”

Customer: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids! I can’t believe the nerve of you people!”

Me: “Well, do you give them an allowance?”

Customer: “Yes, but I don’t see how that’s any of your business!”

Me: “Do they do chores to earn it?”

Customer: “My children don’t have to earn their way through life. They’re angels!”

Honest Heisters

| Dublin, Ireland | Criminal & Illegal

Me: “Hi. We are calling from [company]. Would you have some time to take part in a survey about Ireland?”

Customer: “No, I can’t take part. I’m just a burglar here.”

Me: “Oh, okay…we will try again some time.”

An I For An Eye

| Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid

Me: “What’s your name, ma’am?”

Caller: “Miriam.”

Me: “‘M’ as in Mary, ‘I’ as in India–”

Caller: “No! ‘I’ as in the eye in your face!”

So Much Irony That It’s Unheard Of

| East Midlands, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “What was the name of the company you worked for?”

Caller: “Sorry?”

Me: “What was the name of the company you worked for?”

Caller: “Did you ask for the name of the company I worked for?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “They were called ‘The Listening Company’.”

Your Solution May Go Up In Smoke

| Hampshire, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

Caller: “I think I have a gas leak. I’ve been trying to find it with a lighter, but no success yet. Could you send somebody out?”

Me: “Sorry, what? You’re trying to find it with a lighter?”

Caller: “Yes, I thought it would help.”

Me: “It absolutely won’t! Do not use it! Turn off all your appliances and call [emergency gas service number].”

Caller: “Oh, okay…I was only trying to help!”

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