The overwhelming majority of orders are placed online these days, with a percentage done via email or phone, and a teeny, tiny fraction of people who will still physically mail orders. These tend to be elderly people who either don’t have access to or don’t like to use modern technology.

Me: “[Company], this is [My Name].”

Elderly Caller: *Shouting, in the way of someone losing their hearing* “Did you receive my order?”

Me: “I can check for you. Can I get your name and address, please?”

This turns out not to be an easy task. His last name is very unusual, and it takes many tries to get the spelling out of him because he won’t use or respond to phonetic prompts — “Was that S like ‘Stephen’ or F like ‘Frank’?” — and instead goes off on random, unrelated tangents.

About six minutes in, I get the information I need, and it becomes clear he didn’t place the order through our normal methods. Digging through our system for the mail-in orders takes some time, mainly because it’s used so rarely that I’m not all that familiar with it.

Me: “Please bear with me a moment. I’m going to see if we received that in the mail.”

Caller: “Okay, that’s fine. Did I ever tell you that I was in the army?”

Me: *Searching* “Mmmm? No, sir.”

Caller: “They sent me overseas to shoot Nazis. I was on a special forces detail. I was sent on a secret mission to protect Shirley Temple. I was her personal bodyguard in Europe. I punched Hitler in the face once.”

The story goes on much, MUCH longer than I could possibly ever record, each claim more outlandish than the last. It honestly would be amusing if I weren’t at work. My call is at about seventeen minutes now — our average call time is 180 seconds — and I long ago determined that we have not received his order. However, I am unable to get a word in edgewise with the customer. I have no problem hanging up on rude or abusive callers, but I feel bad hanging up on this clearly lonely elderly guy.

Caller: “—and then one day, I was at a bar and saw Louise Brooks peeing in an alley, and—” 

Me: “Sir, please, I have to go—”

The caller is blathering on. My supervisor has noticed by now that I’m still on the same call and is standing nearby signaling, “What’s going on?” I put the caller on mute. He is still blissfully yammering away.

Me: “I can’t get this guy to shut up, so I can’t disconnect.”

Supervisor: “Just hang up. You have my blessing.”

I let my supervisor know he’s my hero and take the caller off mute. I have to shout over him, as he still hasn’t stopped talking.

Me: “SIR? WE HAVE NOT RECEIVED YOUR ORDER. WE WILL FOLLOW UP IN TWO DAYS AT [NUMBER ON CALLER ID] IF WE STILL HAVEN’T RECEIVED IT. GOODBYE!”

I finally disconnected. The call clocked in at twenty-five minutes and forty-seven seconds. I made notes about the request and sent it off for follow-up in a few days, with the following warning: “The customer is very talkative, mostly about unrelated things. Try not to let him go on tangents.”

I checked back on the request a few days later because I was curious. Turns out we finally did receive his order, but the credit card payment didn’t go through. The follow-up call was recorded at thirty-one minutes and twenty-two seconds.

I honestly felt a little bad; obviously, both times he was relishing the opportunity to speak to a human. I hope he’s found someone to keep him company… but someone who’s not a customer service representative just trying to do their job.

I receive a call from a customer who is having trouble getting his car security system online. He describes an error code I have never heard of.

Me: “Give me about ten minutes to do some research and ask some ‘veteran’ tech coworkers that are known to make miracles happen. I’ll call you back.”

Right around the time I hang up, I look up to notice the department manager motioning me to come with her, as we need to discuss an unrelated pressing issue in her office.

About twenty minutes later after everything is sorted out, I return to my terminal to notice several messages from coworkers who are advising me about a customer calling them repeatedly and screaming that I had flat-out lied to him and said I would call him back but never did. Checking the profile of the customer I had spoken to earlier, I discover that it is indeed him, starting his tirade of phone calls exactly twelve minutes after our conversation had ended.

I receive an instant message from someone in the Spanish language department.

Coworker: “I have an English-speaking customer on the line and I’d like to transfer them to you.”

After I accept the call, the customer goes on a two-minute tirade.

Customer: “It was extremely rude of that other agent to transfer me to someone else!”

Probably because the agents on the Spanish line don’t speak English, idiot!

Customer: “This is the worst customer service I have ever experienced, and I am going to complain personally to the board of directors!”

The moron actually did perform some online sleuthing and somehow was able to find the email address for the company CEO, writing him a rambling email — which was intercepted by his assistant and simply directed to our department manager — and threatening to return his vehicle for a full refund if I was not fired by the end of the week for “blatantly lying to customers.” He further stated that he wanted a copy of my termination letter as proof. 

The manager simply forwarded me the email with a note saying, “Thought you could use a good chuckle.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “I placed an order online and there was a service added to my account that I didn’t order. What the f*** did you do?”

Me: “I’m so sorry for this mistake. I see you haven’t been charged yet, so I’d be more than happy to remove said service for you.”

Caller: “And I’d be more than happy to keep it!”

I’m confused because she seemed irritated it was on there.

Me: “Okay, I can leave it on there if you’d like, but you will be charged for it.”

Caller: “Why would I have to pay for something you f***** up?”

I’d like to reiterate that she placed this order online, and therefore, the only live person who had anything to do with her order was her. I double-check our website order entry; there’s no way to accidentally order this kind of service.

Me: “Because you would be receiving the service, ma’am.”

Caller: “Right, but I didn’t order it. You put it on there. Why should I have to pay?”

Me: “As I said, I apologize that there was a mistake while you placed an online order, but I cannot leave the service on your account unless you are paying for it.”

We go back and forth like this for about ten minutes or so, so if you want a more realistic version of the call, reread every part up to this a couple of times.

Caller: “Then just cancel my f****** order.”

Me: “I can definitely do that. One moment.”

Caller: “YOU AREN’T EVEN GOING TO TRY TO RETAIN MY BUSINESS?!”

Me: “As I’ve stated previously, I can remove the service and you won’t be charged, or I can leave it and you will be; there is no middle ground there. If you would like to cancel instead of one of those options, I can also do that.”

Caller: “Just f****** do it, then.”

She hung up on me, so I cancelled the order and noted the account well. I checked her account today, and guess who tried to pull the same crap with another representative not even two hours later?

Caller: “Why is your company taking money out of my account every month?”

Me: “So, you don’t have a policy with us, but you are being charged every month. And you’d like the charges to stop?”

Caller: “That’s right! I don’t have a policy with you, so stop charging me!” *Pauses* “At least, I don’t think I have a policy with you. If I do have a policy with you, and you’re charging me, then that’s fine. But if I don’t have a policy and you’re charging me, well, I’m just not okay with that!”

One of our callers is pissed, probably for no real reason; that’s usually the case. He calls on and off for weeks. Usually, it’s a string of expletives spoken out entirely devoid of emotion. We just hang up, as he won’t let us get a word in edgeways. He doesn’t get the message, but apparently, we’re powerless to do anything to block him as it’s a withheld number.

Occasionally, he starts instead saying he’s going to bomb the building. Police say they can’t do much as we don’t know who he is.

One of my colleagues who has more patience and is better able to project an attitude of empathy gets his call. She talks to him, asks what she can do to help, and asks for his reference number. He gives it. Instantly, she has his name and address. She hangs up and calls the police!

The guy ends up getting arrested, tried, and convicted.