About fifteen years ago, I was working in a call center for a Very Big Cell Phone Company. This VBCC had call centers all over the USA. I happened to be working in one in the Midwest on the swing shift.
It was near the end of my shift one night, so almost 1:00 am, and things were winding down. My last call beeped through, but the customer’s account didn’t automatically pop up on the computer screen. This meant one of two things: either this wasn’t an actual customer (yet), or it was a customer with a lost or busted phone. I was hoping for the first but, sadly, it was the second.
So, I girded my loins, steeled myself, and prepared to do what I could to help. I got her cell number so I could pull up her account, and I saw that she had wisely purchased the replacement insurance. I used my best, Compassionate Customer Service Voice™ and assured her that she would get a replacement phone in five to seven business days.
She was not happy about this, and I get it. But there was nothing else I could do.
Customer: “I want my phone now!”
Me: “I understand. And I empathize, but the replacement phones are sent through the mail. It takes five to seven business days for it to arrive. I’m sorry.”
Customer: “No! You will give me my new phone now! I’ll pick it up at the store!”
Me: “Ma’am? You’re in New York. It’s 2:00 am there. There isn’t a store open, and even if there—”
Customer: “Then wake someone up, and make them open the store for me! I need this phone, now!”
This conversation went round and round in circles for about five minutes. It had been a long day, it was the end of my shift, and at that point, my friends were waiting for me so we could all go to a local twenty-four-hour breakfast place and blow off some steam. (It’s Tulsa, Oklahoma; there wasn’t anything else open at that time of night.)
I kept trying to explain to her the simple fact that I couldn’t instantaneously get her the replacement phone, and she kept interrupting me, demanding she get it RIGHT NOW!
I was starting to get pissed, and I was about to sacrifice my job if I heard the word “NOW” one more time.
Customer: “WHY WON’T YOU GIVE ME MY PHONE NOW?!”
And there it was…
I took a deep breath, found my center, and then, with a firm but calm tone to my voice that belied the fury boiling inside of me, I said:
Me: “Ma’am, I sincerely apologize, but all of our transporters have been infected with a computer virus. You don’t want me to beam you a mutated phone that would bite off your ear and then embed itself into your brain, now, would you? No, you do not. So, you’ll just have to wait patiently while we use twenty-first-century technology to get your replacement phone to you in five to seven business days. I am ending this call, now. Thank you, and good night.” *Click*
I logged off, grabbed my coat, and stood up, ready to finally leave…
And there was my supervisor, standing in her cubicle, giving me the stink-eye. She gestured for me to come to her, and like a dog that knew it had done a Bad Thing, I slunk across the call center.
Supervisor: “You do understand that I’m going to have to write you up for that, right?”
I nodded.
She looked around, and no one but my friends were looking in our direction. Then, she reached down and tapped a key on her keyboard. Then, she tapped a second one. Then a third. Then, she looked up at me, and a smile twitched on her lips.
Supervisor: “We’re just going to pretend this never happened, okay?”
Me: “Ma’am?!”
Supervisor: “Yeah, you lasted longer than I would have.” *Chuckles* “And I have to admit, that was a pretty creative comeback.” *Becomes stern again* “But never, ever do that again.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. No problem!”
That was not the first time — nor would it be the last time — that my smart mouth overruled my idiot brain when dealing with an Entitled Jerk. I’m honestly surprised I’ve never been fired for it. I’m retired now, so I beat the odds.
I should’ve used my luck on the lottery, instead.
