Trying To Go Above Her Stations

, | SD, USA | Money, Movies & TV

(I work in sales in a call center for a cable company. We are converting cable channels to digital format, so customers that don’t have equipment are losing their signal. A customer calls tech support because a lot of her channels stop working, and the tech support rep transfers the call to me. All she is paying for is basically local stations, but before she is getting the entire expanded basic lineup that was apparently leaking through. She wants to get her channels back, therefore the following conversation ensues.)

Me: “This is [My Name] from sales. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m not getting my stations anymore.”

Me: “Okay, to assist, what channels were you looking for?”

Customer: *names stations in higher package*

Me: “Okay, so it looks like those stations are in [X package]. Right now, you are paying for [Y package]. To upgrade, you’re looking at about $40 more per month.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want to pay for that. I just want my stations back.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, in order to get those channels, you will need [X package].”

Customer: “Why can’t you just give me my stations back?”

Me: “Since you are only paying for [Y package], you will only get those channels from now on. I apologize about any confusion. If you would like to upgrade to [X package] and get the channels included, the price is [price]. We can go ahead and upgrade you now and get that back for you. Also, we won’t even back-charge you for the free cable you have been getting for the last three years.”

Customer: “You guys are crooks.” *hangs up*


Xandra The Great

| ON, Canada | Bizarre, Religion

(I work in a call center in Canada as a customer service agent for a well-known online bank located in the States. I am supposed to be doing some comparison testing for new programs so my trainer is listening to my calls with me while I am using the older systems. At this job, I go by Xander, short for Alexander. I’m also a mid-twenties, white male with no religious following.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. My name is Xander [Last Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Oh, my! What a lovely name you have! I’m [Customer]. How do you spell your name?”

Me: “X-A-N-D-E-R.”

Customer: “Oh, X-A-N-D-R-A! Well, Xandra, it’s such a lovely name! Is it Asian by any chance? I don’t know if you are Asian or anything, but don’t you find it funny that most Asian names start with the letter X?”

(The customer goes on for about five minutes about Asian names as I mute my microphone, and my trainer and I are laughing to tears. She later reveals that she does think I’m Asian. Eventually, I unmute my mic and proceed to continue with the call, authenticating her and helping her with banking needs. While waiting for systems to load, she creates small talk, then she randomly asks.)

Customer: “My dear Xandra, have you heard of Billy Graham? He’s a wonderful person who follows the acts of God! You can buy his CDs online! He can help you, you know? I can give you a 1-800 number that can save your soul.”

Me: “No, thank you, Ms. [Customer]. While I do appreciate the thought, it is considered soliciting with providing me with a number like that. However, I will look it up the moment I get home.”

(I have to mute my mic while she is still talking about another topic so that I and my trainer can laugh again. I compose myself, unmute, and continue the call. At the end, I give the ending speech I’ve memorized so well and before I hang up, she asks me this.)

Customer: “Xandra, before you go, are you going to Heaven or Hell?”

Me: *stifling laughter* “I’m going to where the fun people are.”

Customer: “Is that Heaven?”

Me: “Yes. Yes, it is, Ms. [Customer]. Have a great day!”

(The call ended. So, I went from Xander the mid-twenty white boy with no religious following, to Xandra, the Asian Evangelist. Considering the fact that I was constantly confused as a woman (my voice pitches high when I talk), I am unsure if this is an upgrade from the other phone calls I’ve had.)


Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 29

| VA, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

Customer: “Fix it!”

Me: “Fix what, ma’am?”

Customer: “My Internet connection. Can’t you tell why I’m calling?”

Me: “No, ma’am, the technology doesn’t work that way.”

(I apologize for any inconvenience, and then check her connection. Everything is fine. I even test with ping and packet testing; again, very strong signal to the Internet.)

Me: “Ma’am, are you using a router?”

Customer: “I don’t know. You guys installed it all”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t install routers. Do you know the name of the router you’re using?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “We can test the modem to make sure it’s working. Can you take your laptop into the room with the modem and unplug the modem from the rou—”

(Before I could even finish asking her to connect the laptop to the modem directly.)

Customer: “No. I couldn’t possibly do that! You just need to fix it.”

Me: “Ma’am, are you suffering from an illness or injury preventing me from helping you today?”

Customer: “No, and I couldn’t possibly be bothered with that. The modem and the laptop are on different floors. I called you to fix it. Why can’t you just fix it?”

(Eventually the customer was charged for a technician to come out and educate her on the use of her technology.)

Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 28
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 27
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 26


A Shocking Request

| WI, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Popular, Technology

(I work at a call center for a cell phone company. A customer has called in to see what her options are as her son’s phone was stolen by someone at his school. She is also at the police station while the call is going on. A supervisor happens to be listening to my call as well. By this point , I’ve explained her options and am working on putting a hold on the line so no calls, texts, or data can be used.)

Caller: “Can you tell me who has his phone? I want to make sure they are punished.”

Me: “I’m afraid we have no way of tracking the phone. At best we could see what tower it was connected to last but that covers a broad area. I see it’s an iPhone; I could give you the information for the “Find my iPhone App” which should help in the future. You already in contact with your local police, which is also good.”

Caller: “Just get into the camera!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Caller: “You know, just get into the camera on his phone and take pictures of the boys who stole his phone and send them to me.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid there is no way to do that.”

Caller: “Okay, fine. Just shock them, then.”

(At this point I look over at my supervisor, who looks just as confused as I do.)

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “You don’t have to shock them hard; just make the phone shock them a little.”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no way for me to shock someone.”

Caller: “Well, can’t you make the phone squirt blue paint on them so we can find them?”

(I’m trying to keep it together, which isn’t helped by the fact my supervisor is laughing quietly next to me. I regain my composure.)

Me: “I’m sorry but that technology doesn’t currently exist. I have given you all the options we have available at the present time. Your son’s line has a hold put on it so it can’t be used in anyway which would impact your bill. Please let us know if you recover his phone.”

(Somehow I managed to end the call before I burst out laughing. My supervisor didn’t even care I took myself out of the queue for a few minutes. Neither of us could quite believe the customer was dead serious the entire time.)


A Weighty Issue

| Canada | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Family & Kids

(I work in a call centre that offers customer support for an outdoors-activity company.)

Me: “Hi, you’ve reached [Company]. How can I help?”

Customer: “Hi, I wish to book some tickets for the wild-water rafting”

Me: “With pleasure, how many people will be attending?”

Customer: “Five adults and my son.”

Me: “Great! Could I please verify the weight of your son?”

Customer: “He is about 80 pounds.”

Me: “I am sorry, we have a weight-minimum of 90 pounds for the wild-water rafting. But can I interest you in the lazy-river tour? This is a more family-friendly activity and many people like it a lot.”

Customer: “No, we really want to do the rafting. Why does he need to weigh so much?”

Me: “Children need to weigh at least 90 pounds so they are not thrown too easily out of the boat. We do offer life-jackets, but wish to prevent an incident.”

Customer: “That’s ok. You know what? I will put some rocks in his pockets until he weighs 90 pounds. Can I buy the tickets now?”

(I am stunned and hope silently the lady will realize by herself how crazy the idea is of putting stones in the pockets of your kid and then putting him on a rubber boat in the middle of a very wild river with rapids of class R-III to R-IV +. After a couple of seconds of silence I realize she does not see the issue.)

Me: “I am sorry, but we do not allow stones to weigh down the children.”

Customer: “I just don’t understand why not. Can I please talk to your supervisor?”

(I put her through, turned around to my supervisor, and explained the situation. She turned a bit white and then burst out laughing.

During the next 10 minutes she tried explaining to the lady why it was a bad idea, but the customer wouldn’t have it. The call was closed with the customer stating she would buy tickets at our competitors.)

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