I was on a shopping trip for a party, gathering various decorations and treats, when a complete stranger suddenly approached my cart.

Stranger: “Oh, what do you have here?”

She then reached in and started pawing through the items in my cart.

Me: “Hey, please don’t!”

She gave me an arch look.

Stranger: “I was just looking!”

Unable to help myself, I said the following in the sort of tone I use with my kindergarten students.

Me: “We look with our eyes, not with our hands.”

The lady pulled back, looking gobsmacked, and I pulled my cart away, leaving her staring after me.

I schedule referrals to my employer’s internal case management program. I am required to attempt multiple forms of contact before closing a referral for an inability to reach someone: two phone calls with a message, an electronic letter, and one or two physical letters to the person’s address. Also, if a person doesn’t show up to their scheduled appointment or cancels without rescheduling, I send them a letter asking if they still want to meet with a case manager.

I have some medical issues, one of which often causes me to sometimes say strings of numbers wildly incorrectly if I am not reading them simultaneously. Thus, I have my own phone number and extension in big, clear letters on a bright red sticky note on my phone, and I intentionally read it off when leaving it as a message to a patient.

I hear the following sorts of things dozens of times a month. 

Patient #1: “The phone number you sent in the letter was wrong; it called a restaurant! I couldn’t get ahold of you until I found your voicemail. You need to talk to whoever sends the letters!”

Me: “It’s the same number, [Patient #1]. I’m the one who sends the letters.”

Or…

Patient #2: “You gave me the wrong number in the voicemail. It called some lady in [Town] and she yelled at me.”

Me: “Oh, no! What was the number I gave you in the voicemail?”

Patient #2: “It was [my correct phone number].”

Me: “That is my phone number, [Patient #2].”

Or…

Patient #3: “I couldn’t reach you at first! I called and it never answered.”

Me: “What number did you call, [Patient #3]?”

Patient #3: “[Wildly different number]. It’s what was in the online message someone sent me.”

Me: *Checks the message* “Hmm, that’s not the number I sent you in the message.”

Or my favorite…

I call [Patient #4].

Patient #4: “Finally! I’ve been calling and calling you and no one has called me back.”

I check and see that I’ve called and sent [Patient #4] several communications.

Me: “I have been trying to reach you but haven’t received any phone calls from you. What number have you been calling, my dear?”

Patient #4: “[Wildly incorrect phone number].”

Me: “Goodness, that’s not my number at all. Where did you get it from?”

Patient #4: “One of the ladies in the waiting room said it was the best number.”

Me: “Did you call it instead of the number I left for you?”

Patient #4: “Yeah! She said it was the best!”

I Googled it later. It was for a crematorium.

The company receptionist is out today. I am one of several people whose phone is set up to take incoming calls when the receptionist is unavailable.

Me: “Good afternoon, [Company].”

Caller: “Uh… um… I think I have the wrong… Oh! Hey, it’s [Caller] from [Company #2]. How are you doing?”

I am totally thrown because it’s clear from his tone that he expects me to recognize him, but I have no idea who he is.

Me: “Uh… fine. Um… how are you?”

Caller: “I’m good, glad it’s Friday and almost the weekend.” 

There’s an awkward pause.

Caller: “So, can I speak to [Coworker]?”

Me: “Sure.”

I transfer him, thinking that will be the end of it. A few minutes later, the phone rings again.

Caller: “Hi, it’s [Caller] from [Company #2] again!”

I am once again thrown because it is still clear that he expects me to recognize him, and I still don’t.

Me: “…hello.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…how can I help you?”

Caller: “Uh, yeah, I was just talking to you at the counter yesterday?”

Me: “Uh, I’m a remote employee living in [State 2,000 miles away], so whoever you talked to, it wasn’t me.”

Caller: “OH! Oh, okay, that makes sense. I thought you were [Receptionist]! No wonder you didn’t recognize me! [Receptionist] and I talk all the time. I couldn’t understand how you didn’t remember me; it was like I was in the Twilight Zone! It was clear you didn’t have a clue who I was. It was so weird!”

He continues rambling in this vein for at least a full minute, to the point where it’s becoming more awkward than the original misunderstanding. Eventually, he winds down.

Me: “So, what can I help you with?”

Caller: “Oh, no, I don’t need anything. Thank you!” *Click*

I guess he just wanted to chat with his buddy [Receptionist]?

One day, a friend and I were headed to a game night at another friend’s house and decided to grab something to eat. We decided on a national chain of sub shops once famous for $6 subs.

Usually, I get something loaded down with veggies — not that day. That day, I was craving protein and lots of it.

Me: “Could I get a twelve-inch pastrami and swiss, double meat, lightly toasted, with mayo and extra mustard? No veggies.”

Worker: “Sure!”

I watched as he made my sandwich, and I was practically drooling. My friend laughed at me until I pointed out that I hadn’t eaten since lunchtime the day before.

Friend: “Good Lord, let’s feed you before you take off someone’s arm. You’re mean when you’re hangry.”

Worker: “Extra mustard?”

Me: “Yes, please!”

He picked up the bottle. He squeezed over my sandwich, and then the lid popped off and half the bottle of mustard poured out over my poor pastrami sandwich.

He and I were both staring at it in horror. Then, we looked up at each other. I knew what he saw: a woman with a Let Me See Your Manager haircut and dye job who had been described as being hangry. I saw him brace himself for what he thought was the inevitable.

Me: “Well, I did say extra mustard.”

My friend about keeled over laughing, the sandwich worker looked so relieved, and I couldn’t help but giggle. We managed to save the sandwich by scraping most of the mustard off. I DID ask for extra mustard, and that day, the universe decided to oblige!

I work in the balloon department at an old-time five-and-ten affiliated with a hardware chain. I have a paid balloon preorder ready for pick-up.

I’m working with a new customer when the preorder comes in to pick up. I pause the current customer to hand off the preorder.

Preorder Customer: “I’d like to add a few more balloons to my order.”

Me: “Okay, let me finish with my current customer so I can assist you.”

Preorder Customer: “But I’m just adding to my order.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m currently assisting this customer.”

The current customer was willing to step aside for the preorder… except I was low on helium. I told my current customer that I was low on helium, so I would continue to wait on him and the customer with the preorder would have to wait.

She didn’t want to wait and took her order and left.

Seriously, if you want to add to your order, you don’t get to bump a customer that I’m waiting on!