Me: “This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I want a discount on my services.”

Me: “I’d be glad to see if you qualify for a promotion on a new service–”

Customer: “No, I mean on my current services.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any promotions like that; they’re only for new services.”

Customer: “Well, this is bull-s***! I shouldn’t have to pay for Spanish channels that I don’t watch and can’t understand. Let the Mexicans pay extra for those, not me!”

Me: “Ma’am, we cater to our demographic, and California as a whole has a very large Hispanic population including MYSELF and my family.”

Customer: “That’s terrible! I’m on a budget and don’t think I should be charged for these.”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s just how are services are offered.”

Customer: “Well I’ll tell you this… you better watch out, because before you know it, a MEXICAN is gonna take your job!”

Me: “…all right, then, ma’am. Gracias por llamar a [Empresa] que tenga un buen dia.” *click*

(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)

Me: “[Hotel]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”

Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive?”

Customer: “Oh, no, we’re not coming by boat.”

Me: “Okay, helicopter, then?”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s silly.”

Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here?”

Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”

Customer: “You can’t?”

Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”

Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”

Me: *headdesk*

This story is part of our 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

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(I’m at the front bar of a certain coffee shop, in the middle of making a caramel macchiato. An old, angry, hovering customer approaches me.)

Customer: “What are you doing? I didn’t ask for caramel; I’m allergic! Are you trying to kill me?! I had to wait in line all this time and I can’t get a d*** coffee made right!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a caramel macchiato. I’m sure this isn’t your drink. What did you have today?”

Customer: “I had a latte. I’ve been waiting for ten minutes!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s a latte right here on the counter right next to your handbag.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m late for my movie!”

Me: “Ma’am, I called the drink out three times; you were standing there the whole time.”

Customer: “You should have called louder!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I was practically yelling. I figured it was loud enough. Well, there you are, have a nice day.”

Customer: “YOU MADE ME LATE FOR MY F****** MOVIE!”

Another Customer: “You get the evilest people here, don’t you?”

Me: “LA’s finest. Here’s your macchiato. Have a nice evening.”

This story is part of our Allergic To Common Sense roundup!

Read the next Allergic To Common Sense roundup story!

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(A young man from Fullerton, CA calls to get our address in Rancho Cordova, CA.)

Caller: “Rancho Cordova? What coast is that on?”

Me: “We are in California, just like you.”

Caller: “Oh… So, East?”