Agent: “I sent in the paperwork over a week ago. Why hasn’t this been processed?”

Me: *looking up record* “I don’t see that we’ve received it. What address did you send it to?”

(The agent gives an address in Los Angeles of a company with a similar name we are not affiliated with.)

Me: “Our office is located in San Francisco. We’re not actually affiliated with the company in L.A.”

Agent: “Well, what do we do now?”

Me: “It’s possible that they’ll forward it to our address which is printed on the paperwork, but the fastest way would be for you to submit a new form.”

Agent: “Can’t you just drive over there and get it?”

Me: “Well, no, sir. It’s in L.A. and we’re in San Francisco.”

Agent: “So?”

Me: “It’s at the opposite end of the state.”

Agent: “You can’t just go get it?”

Me: “San Francisco is not near L.A.”

Agent: *angrily* “Well, how far is it?”

Me: “About 400 miles.”

Agent: “…”

Me: “It would take about nine hours in each direction.”

Agent: “You aren’t being very helpful.”

Me: “This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I want a discount on my services.”

Me: “I’d be glad to see if you qualify for a promotion on a new service–”

Customer: “No, I mean on my current services.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any promotions like that; they’re only for new services.”

Customer: “Well, this is bull-s***! I shouldn’t have to pay for Spanish channels that I don’t watch and can’t understand. Let the Mexicans pay extra for those, not me!”

Me: “Ma’am, we cater to our demographic, and California as a whole has a very large Hispanic population including MYSELF and my family.”

Customer: “That’s terrible! I’m on a budget and don’t think I should be charged for these.”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s just how are services are offered.”

Customer: “Well I’ll tell you this… you better watch out, because before you know it, a MEXICAN is gonna take your job!”

Me: “…all right, then, ma’am. Gracias por llamar a [Empresa] que tenga un buen dia.” *click*

(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)

Me: “[Hotel]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”

Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive?”

Customer: “Oh, no, we’re not coming by boat.”

Me: “Okay, helicopter, then?”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s silly.”

Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here?”

Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”

Customer: “You can’t?”

Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”

Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”

Me: *headdesk*

This story is part of our 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

Read the next Terrible At Geography roundup story!

Read the 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

(I’m at the front bar of a certain coffee shop, in the middle of making a caramel macchiato. An old, angry, hovering customer approaches me.)

Customer: “What are you doing? I didn’t ask for caramel; I’m allergic! Are you trying to kill me?! I had to wait in line all this time and I can’t get a d*** coffee made right!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a caramel macchiato. I’m sure this isn’t your drink. What did you have today?”

Customer: “I had a latte. I’ve been waiting for ten minutes!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s a latte right here on the counter right next to your handbag.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m late for my movie!”

Me: “Ma’am, I called the drink out three times; you were standing there the whole time.”

Customer: “You should have called louder!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I was practically yelling. I figured it was loud enough. Well, there you are, have a nice day.”

Customer: “YOU MADE ME LATE FOR MY F****** MOVIE!”

Another Customer: “You get the evilest people here, don’t you?”

Me: “LA’s finest. Here’s your macchiato. Have a nice evening.”

This story is part of our Allergic To Common Sense roundup!

Read the next Allergic To Common Sense roundup story!

Read the Allergic To Common Sense roundup!

(A young man from Fullerton, CA calls to get our address in Rancho Cordova, CA.)

Caller: “Rancho Cordova? What coast is that on?”

Me: “We are in California, just like you.”

Caller: “Oh… So, East?”