Customer: “I’m looking for pants for my daughter.”

Me: “Okay, what size is your daughter?”

Customer: “She’s fat like you.”

Me: “Okay, so I’m a medium. Does your daughter wear mediums?”

Customer: “No. She’s fat like you. She needs fat pants.”

Me: “So, would a large be okay?”

Customer: “Fat pants. Large is too small.”

Me: “Large is the biggest size we have.”

Customer: “Give me your pants, then.”

This story is part of the Embarrassing Parents roundup!

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Customer: “Two for [Movie].”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have that film at this theater.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have it?”

Me: “I’m not sure. The decisions on where to play the films are made by corporate.”

Customer: “But I’m here and I want to watch that movie.”

Me: “Well, I can sell you a ticket to another movie.”

Customer: “But I want to see that one! Can’t you just go get it? I’ll wait here.”

(I have just taken the customer’s name, phone number, and credit card info.)

Me: “To finish creating your account, I need an answer to a reminder question. In what city were you born?”

Customer: “That is way too personal.”

Me: “Okay. We have a few other questions. What is your pet’s name? What is your favorite television show? What is your favorite pastime?”

Customer: “Ask me my favorite pastime.”

Me: “What is your favorite pastime?”

Customer: “Making loooooooove.”

This story is part of our customers give TMI roundup!

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(A customer brings in his dog for a spay.)

Customer: “While she’s out, can you trim her nails? They’re getting real long.”

Me: “Of course, sir. We give all patients under anesthesia a complimentary nail trim.”

Customer: “Oh, you do? Would you give me a free pedicure, too?”

Me: “Uhm…”

Customer: “How about a massage?”

This story is part of our Weird Customers roundup!

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Read the Weird Customer roundup!

Me: “Okay, that will be $230.11.”

Customer: “I’ll give you $75 for it.”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “$110.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Our prices are set.”

Customer: “Okay. $159.”

Me: “I am really sorry. I can’t bring it down from $230.11. If you’d like, I can help you pick out something within your price range?”

Customer: “Fine. Throw in that and I’ll get out of your hair.” (Points to a $100 handheld massager.)

Me: “I can’t do that. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “So much for price match! F*** this!” *leaves*