My Spidey-Friendly Sense Are Tingling

, , , , | Friendly | April 5, 2018

(I am living by myself for the first time in my life. I have a really close friend; we’ve known each other since we were 12 and are like family. We also work together and have keys to each other’s houses. This takes place at 4:00 am while I’m showering to get ready for work. I hear the bathroom door open and the unmistakable sound of someone using the restroom.)

Me: *from the shower* “Good morning, [Friend]!”

Friend: *in a very much not-awake voice* “I’m sorry, [My Name]; I didn’t realize you were already in here.”

(They finish, wash their hands, and leave. I keep showering. A few minutes later, they are back.)

Friend: *sounding more awake* “Wait a minute! This is my bathroom! Why are you in my shower?”

Me: “Sorry, I needed to shower.”

Friend: *as if this explains everything* “Spider?”

Me: *because it does explain everything* “Spider.”

Friend: *sighs* “I’ll go over before work and save your bathroom from the big scary spider.”

Me: “Thank you! Now, can you go away, so I can finish getting ready for work?”

You And I Can Write A Grammatically Correct Romance

, , , , , , | Romantic | April 5, 2018

(My wife and I kiss farewell before we head off to our respective cars and our respective jobs.)

Wife: “I love you.”

Me: “I love you. You are the best wife who ever wifed.”

Wife: “You are the best husband who ever husbanded.”

Me: “Not as best as your wifing… That sentence was grammatical!”

Wife: *pause* “I’m out of here.”

H2-0 Calories

, , , , | Right | April 5, 2018

(I’m a smoothie maker for a chain store on the west coast.)

Customer: “Do you have anything that is zero calories?”

Me: “Um, no. We make smoothies. Fruit has calories in it.”

Customer: “What the hell? You guys are in California. You need to make a smoothie with zero calories.”

(My manager comes in, and the customer turns to her:)

Customer: “Do you have anything with zero calories?”

Manager: “Water.”

(The customer left rather quickly.)

Some Teachers Are More Bear-able Than Others

, , , , , | Learning | April 5, 2018

When I was in high school, we had this eccentric teacher that pretty much did his own thing, to the point that he raised a few million dollars to buy the property adjacent to the school and build a fish hatchery, which also served as his class room. He was beloved by the students and hated by the administration.

One of his yearly traditions was called the “Bear Test,” a 72-hour “test” for his senior wildlife biology class. The idea was that the students were stuck in the wilderness and had to find their way home while being hunted by a bear. The test included, among other things, the teacher dressing up as a bear and “hunting” the students. He would go to their homes and wake them up, go to their work, and hunt them during school. Nowhere was safe. If you saw him, you had to curl into a ball, and he would come poke you a few times and then wander off.

To make sure he only hunted the right students, he had his students wear these horrible-colored shirts. It was a color that most people don’t normally chose to wear. He was color-blind, and for him, the color stood out like a neon sign.

I was in my junior year and it was the first day of Bear Season. I was leaving my first class of the day and going to my second. The Bear Test kids were in small groups of two to five, for safety, darting quickly around campus, hugging the walls and peeking around corners to make sure it was safe. In the middle of the quad was a large grassy field that one of the kids was just brazenly strolling across like he hasn’t a care in the world. Then we heard it: the loud roar of The Bear. He came charging across the quad, gleefully screaming, “I’ve got you!” as he tackled the kid a few feet away from me.

The Bear then looked down into the screaming, terrified face of a freshman who had never heard of the Bear Test before, and just happened to have very poor choice in clothes.

The kid was okay, and after that, they made sure to make freshman aware of what was happening. I heard from my little sister that, in his senior year, the kid took his Bear Test and went hunting the Bear to take his revenge via water pistol.

Nailing Their Security In Their Masculinity

, , , , , | Working | April 4, 2018

(I work in an auto shop. The talk of the town at work is that one of the admins is going to see her boyfriend in person for the first time in months this weekend, and has been laboriously planning every little detail to make things perfect. Discussions lead to a small cluster of mechanics around her, offering their input — totally unsarcastically — about how she should get her nails done.)

Admin: “I want to do black and pink to match my outfit, but I’m having trouble deciding.”

Mechanic #1: “Maybe French tips?”

Admin: “That’s not really my style, though. I’m thinking all black and one pink nail, or all pink and one black. What finish? Do you think I should do matte or not matte?”

Mechanic #2: “I think you should get satin. Or eggshell.”

Mechanic #1: “All pink and one black nail, though. The other way around is too heavy; more pink is more fun!”

(It was definitely one of the more sweet, adorable moments you’ll see in an auto shop.)

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