Because You’re Not People Until You’re Eighteen

, , , , , , | Right | November 2, 2019

Like most restaurants, we accept reservations. I overhear in the kitchen that a group — or family — of six wants to make a reservation. Not a problem. Shortly after, the server dealing with the reservation comes into the kitchen and says, “They made a reservation for six, but brought a kid along, making the reservation for seven. They thought it wouldn’t be a problem, and that we could make room for him.”

I just shake my head and laugh, because in what universe does that make sense?

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All The Other Kids Will Be Green With Envy

, , , , | Related | October 31, 2019

(I have Asperger’s syndrome, which is a form of autism. When I was a kid in the 90s, both were not very well understood. One of the aspects of Asperger’s is that those with it tend to focus exclusively on their interests and likes, such as video games. It’s getting close to Halloween, and while watching TV I see several commercials for M&Ms. I know what I want to be that year.)

Me: “Mom, I know what I want to be for Halloween!”

Mom: “What do you want to be?”

Me: “An M&M! The red one!”

(My mom is confused, as my favorite color is green. If I can get it in green, I get in in green. I am the kind of kid who only eats his breakfast in one specific bowl — the green one in my case.)

Mom: “Why do you want to be the red one? Wouldn’t you want to be the green one?”

Me: “I can’t be the green one. She’s a girl.”

Mom: “How can you tell?”

Me: *straight face* “She has eyelashes.”

(That was good enough for Mom, who was a little surprised the green one was a girl and made me a really awesome — red — M&M costume.)

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Unfiltered Story #174548

, , , | Unfiltered | October 31, 2019

(Sadly, this happens much more often than you’d expect.)

Costumer: How long until the warranty runs out on (product)?

Me: Um… 1 year…

Costumer: Oh. You guys should put that on the box. Or make a sign.

Me: Uh… We’ve already done both.

Costumer: ( Looks around) Oh.( Walks off)

Honey, I’m Home!

, , , , , | Related | October 29, 2019

(It is 1996 and I am ten years old. My friend and I are hanging out in my room. My dad has been gone for a long weekend with his friends on a trip riding dirt bikes. My dad gets home Monday evening and parks our motorhome in the driveway without any of us realizing he is home. He also manages to come inside without anyone hearing him. Getting to the kitchen where my mom is, he realizes that she still has not noticed his arrival. He walks up behind her and leans his head over her shoulder. Very quietly, my dad whispers one word into her ear.)

Dad: *quietly* “Boo.”

(My friend and I were able to hear my mom’s scream through the kitchen door and up the stairs.)

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, , , , | Romantic | October 28, 2019

(I’m at a house party when a long-time acquaintance walks up. I’ve known him since I was 15, and he’s been wanting to have an inappropriate relationship with me. I’m in my mid-40s when this conversation takes place. He is wearing a lifting brace with the logo for Snap-On Tools on the back.)

Me: “Is your back bothering you?”

Acquaintance: “Yes.”

Me: “I hope your back will get better real soon.”

Acquaintance: “I’m the only guy here who can say I have a snap-on tool.”

Me: *in a really loud voice* “[Acquaintance]! I didn’t know it was that short!”

(He left the party shortly after that.)

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