Dumb As A Rock

, , , , , | Learning | January 11, 2018

(I hear this stupid conversation between two classmates sitting next to me.)

Classmate #1: “We’re going some geology!”

Classmate #2: “Do you even know what that means?”

Classmate #1: “No.”

Classmate #2: “I think it’s the study of life.”

Lesbians Versus The Devil

, , , , , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

(My husband and I work at a religious supply shop that caters to multiple faiths. Because of this, we often get phone calls that would be considered strange anywhere else.)

Me: *answering phone* “[Store], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Would you pray with me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s not something I feel comfortable doing. There are so many different faiths and practices, and, in my opinion, prayer is best when personal.”

Customer: “I’m a Satanist.”

Me: “That doesn’t matter to me, sir. I have no problem with Satanists, but am not one myself.”

(Just then the other phone line rings.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir; I have another call coming in. Can you please hold?”

(He says yes, and I end up transferring him to my husband. The caller on the other line has a quick question about whether we have an item in stock, so I get to hear my husband’s side of the conversation.)

Husband: “I’m sorry, what were you looking for?!” *pause* “We don’t carry anything like that here.” *pause* “Oh, you want to pray that you’ll find it?” *pause* “Okay, sir, good luck on your search.” *hangs up phone*

Me: “What was that all about?”

Husband: “He’s going to [Nearby City]’s flea market tomorrow, and he was hoping to find ‘big booty lesbian DVDs.’”

Me: “Wait, so he called us to ask if we would be willing to pray for him to find lots of porn at the flea market?!”

Husband: “Big booty lesbian porn!”

Me: “We get the best calls!”

Scheduling Your Own Termination

, , , , , , | Working | January 9, 2018

The office supply store where I used to work had a high rate of turnover for management. The store manager had horrible luck finding competent people to fill roles and refused to promote from within. One of the managers she hired was absolutely convinced that, as assistant manager, she was exempt from such tasks as helping customers, operating a cash register, or doing anything other than sitting all day long in the front office.

One day we were shorthanded by two or three employees — due to her scheduling failure — and she was the only manager in the store when there were usually two. This meant we were constantly requesting her to pull items from lockup, handle returns, do price overrides, etc., and at some point during the afternoon rush, she vanished.

We were so shorthanded, we couldn’t even spare an employee to try and find the woman, so we managed the best we could while constantly calling for her on the walkie-talkies, the store PA system, and even her personal cell phone. Then, we noticed that one of the store supervisors, who has limited authority in the store but no keys for lockup, was gone, too.

Customers who were waiting for items from lockup were getting angry and leaving. Lines were building up because we had only one cashier and the salesperson was busy assisting people on the floor. The print center was swamped because I was the only person working in that department. We were all repeatedly calling for either the assistant manager or the supervisor.

Finally, there was a lull in business, and the salesperson ran to the back for a stock check, only to find the assistant manager and the supervisor sitting on desk chairs, chatting it up like they were at home instead of on the clock! Furious, he demanded to know why they had left us high and dry out there and caused us to lose business, and what was her reply?

“I turned off my walkie because I got tired of everyone bugging me all the time!”

The employee herded the assistant manager and supervisor back out onto the floor, and the rest of us requested a formal sit-down with the store manager to discuss the incident. This wasn’t the only time she’d pulled a stunt like this one, but it was the last straw. After confirming the event on the security footage and watching the two employees kick back and chat in the warehouse, the manager was let go. Thank goodness.

It’s Not Always Quitters Who Quit

, , , , , , | Working | January 9, 2018

(I have graduated from high school early, and I’m starting college. I’m barely 16 years old, and my mom is a broke single mother. For my graduation, she buys me a $400 used car, and I apply for financial aid so I can go to college. Part of my financial aid is a work-study job in the college cafeteria. My shift is supposed to be from 6:00 to 10:00 in the morning, but since I have a 10:00 class, the manager moves my shift to 5:45 to 9:45 so I can make it to class on time. Serving breakfast to surly college students is NOT fun, and almost every day, the boss gives me too much to do, so I’m late getting out of work. Now, I am in danger of being dropped from my class for excessive tardiness. I ask my mother for permission to quit my job and look for another one, and she says yes. I go to my boss.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I need to quit this job. It’s interfering with my schoolwork and I need to get good grades.”

Boss: “You really need to stay and finish the job. Otherwise, all your life, you will feel like a quitter. I don’t accept your resignation.”

Me: *is stunned into silence*

(I go home and told my mom what happened. She gives me permission to stop going to work, so I go to class instead. Two days later, my boss calls me.)

Boss: “I’m sorry, but due to your attendance, I’m going to have to let you go.”

Me: “I can’t say I’m sorry about this. I quit two days ago, remember?”

(It took me years to get over feeling ashamed of losing one of my first jobs, but now when I think back on it, I’m proud that I stood up for myself.)

You Have Been Rejected For This Scam

, , , , | Working | January 8, 2018

(I work from home, so I used to get a lot of scammers and telemarketers on the land line. Ever since the land line phone was canceled, I’ve missed them. Every once in a while, I’ll get them on my cell phone, but the industry seems more disjointed and glitchy than ever. One afternoon, I get a call…)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: *obviously a recording* “Hello! You’ve been pre-approved for a small business loan! Press ‘one’ now to speak with a small business specialist.”

(I press one. The recording surprisingly continues, twice more requesting that I press “one,” so I do so in an attempt to mess with a scammer. Then, the call disconnects after once again stating options for touch tones.)

Me: “I guess they come self-rejecting now.”

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