(I notice a customer looking at the Passover cards, looking frustrated, so I go over to help her.)

Me: “Can I help you find anything, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for Christian Passover cards.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t carry any Christian Passover cards. Were you maybe looking for the Easter cards?”

Customer: “No, I need Passover cards for a Christian.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but Passover is a Jewish holiday. We don’t carry Christian Passover cards because Christians don’t celebrate it.”

Customer: “Jesus did!”

This story is part of the Easter roundup!

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Customer:  “Gimme one tall coffee.”

Me: “Okay. Would you like room for cream?”

Customer: “No, d*** it! I just want American coffee; no ice cream, mayonnaise, whipped cream, or any of that crap! Can’t I just buy a d*** cup of American coffee!?”

Me: “Sorry, sir.  What flavor would you like today?”

Customer: “Sumatra.”

This story is part of our Ironic Customer roundup!

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Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Vet Clinic]. How can I help you today?”

(Note: the caller sounds around four years old. )

Caller #1: “Hello, is Aunt Betty there?”

Me: “I’m sorry, would you mind repeating that?”

Caller #1: “Can I speak to Aunt Betty?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”

Caller #1: “Oh. Okay.”

Me: “Bye!”

(I hang up. Ten seconds later, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Vet Clinic]. How can I help you today?”

Caller #2: “My niece just called here and must have got the wrong number.”

Me: *chuckling* “Yes, she thought–”

Caller #2: “Well, next time don’t hang up on her!” *hangs up*

This story is part of the Children-Behaving-Better-Than-Their-Parents roundup!

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Customer: “Hi, do you have any diet soda water?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think that exists.”

Customer: “Yeah it does. I’ve bought them here before.”

Me: “Well, diet soda water is pretty much diet water.”

Customer: “That’s okay, too. Do you have that?”

This story is included in our impossible requests roundup!

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Me: “Hi, I’m calling from [Company] verifying that you are looking for information on a loan modification.”

Caller: “I was, until I found out you couldn’t help me.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not sure why you think that. We have been able to help lots of people. If you would like, I can connect you with a counselor who will be able to let you know what can be done.”

Caller: “You can’t do anything for me.”

Me: “I can assure you that there is something we can do. At least we can provide you with some information.”

Caller: “You can’t do anything unless you are able to invade the Chinese.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “The only way you can help me is by invading the Chinese.”

Me: “Well, sir, I think you are right. I don’t think there is anything we can do for you. Have a nice day.”

This story is included in our impossible requests roundup!

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