Take A Breath And Think About It

, , , | Healthy | March 9, 2019

(I work at a sleep clinic work with people who have sleep disorders such as apnea and Hypopnea. These disorders, in a nutshell, make a person stop breathing or breathe so shallowly the oxygen in their blood is affected like with apnea. And I get this almost every time I’m working when I put CPAP on a patient!)

Patient: “Excuse me, miss? I can’t breathe with this thing on!”

Me: *after seeing them stop breathing for almost a minute* “Well, you aren’t breathing with it off, either.”

They Were All In A Vegetative State

, , , , , | Working | March 8, 2019

(I go to a popular fast food place for a burger and soda, and I decide I’m hungry enough for a side salad, too. I place my order at the kiosk, get my drink, and wait. I’m the only person in the lobby, so I expect it to go quickly, and my burger is finished in a minute or so. Then, a problem:)

Worker #1: “Hey, [Worker #2], can you check if we have salads?”

Worker #2: “What’s a salad?”

Worker #1: “Ha.”

([Worker #1] goes on to another task and [Worker #2] heads back to where I assume salads are stored. He comes back empty-handed and starts looking at posters above the food station that seem to have instructions on how to make various sandwiches. A drive-thru order comes in, and he starts working on that. I note the time, because I’m curious how long this will take. After seven minutes, [Worker #1] looks over, and then looks at the completed food.)

Worker #1: “Where’s the salad?”

Worker #2: “No one ordered a salad.”

Worker #1: “Yeah, I told you. Look.” *points to order display*

Worker #2: “I’ve never made a salad.”

Worker #1: “You don’t make them; just go get one.”

([Worker #2] disappears again, and then once again reappears empty-handed when a drive-thru order comes in. Both workers studiously avoid looking at me the entire time. At the twelve-minute mark, the manager comes out.)

Manager: “Hey, what’s this lady waiting on?”

Worker #1: “Uh…”

Worker #2: *shrugs*

Me: “Just a side salad.”

Manager: “Go get her a side salad!”

Worker #1: “I don’t know where they are.”

Worker #2: *shrugs*

Manager: “Oh for the love of— They’re in the fridge right there!”

(I finally got my salad, and my burger was still warm. I probably should have been annoyed it took so long, but it was the funniest thing I’d seen in a week. I get that people probably don’t get salads at this fast food place often, but, “What’s a salad?” killed me.)

Dumb As A Post

, , , , , , | Working | March 8, 2019

(We live in a townhome complex where we have community mailboxes. Usually, if you get a package, it’s placed in a larger mailbox and the key to access it is placed in your personal mailbox. Our mail carrier is already notorious for mis-delivering mail in our neighborhood, so when we don’t receive several packages, we think he’s given them to the wrong home again. We’re outside one day and we manage to see him while he’s at the mailboxes. We grab his attention and have this conversation:)

Husband: “Hey, we’ve had three packages that tracking says were delivered to us, but we never got them. Is there any chance you put them in the wrong box?”

Postal Worker: “I doubt it. What’s your address?” *checks our address and starts opening the package-sized mailboxes* “See? They’re all right here.”

(Sure enough, they are all together in one package-sized mailbox.)

Husband: “Okay, but then why didn’t you put the key to it in our mailbox? We never got the key, so we didn’t know they were there and had no way to get them!”

Postal Worker: “Oh, the key for that box is missing. It got lost a couple weeks ago.”

(Yup. He put our packages into a locked mailbox, didn’t tell us, didn’t give us the key, and didn’t understand why we had no idea our stuff was there.)

A Close Shave With Judgment

, , , , | Friendly | March 6, 2019

(I’m 21 years old and have been living on my own for just over two years. I am female, and I have one side of my head shaved to help keep my super thick hair manageable. I have had my hair this way for over a year. I got to my usual hair salon to get the shave touched up. As I am checking out, an older woman, waiting to be called up for her haircut, approaches me.)

Lady: “Does your mother know?” *referring to my haircut*

Me: “Uh, yes.”

Lady: “I can’t imagine what would happen if you came home and your mother didn’t know.”

Me: “Well, considering I live on my own, that isn’t a problem.”

Lady: “Oh! You look like a teenager. I just couldn’t imagine what your mother would say.”

(What I should have said is that I have two moms, and not only do both of them approve, one of them also has her head shaved.)

Canada: America’s Hat, Part 10

, , , , , | Friendly | March 6, 2019

(I can’t help but overhear the following conversation between two girls sitting behind me in math class.)

Girl #1: “So, I guess [Guy] is going to visit this summer from Canada.”

Girl #2: “Oh, when’s he flying in?”

Girl #1: “I think he said he was driving, but wait, that can’t be right. How could he be driving in from another country?”

Girl #2: “No no, Canada is connected to America over, like, New York. I have cousins there in Ontario.”

Girl #1: “But [Guy] said he was coming through, like, Washington and s***.”

Girl #2: “Hey, yeah, that can’t be right. That’s on the west coast with us. Canada’s not there! That’s like Alaska and Montana and s*** above that. What part of Canada is he in?”

Girl #1: “Um… Albertia, or something, but that’s not Canada… is it?”

Girl #2: “No, that’s not Canada. I don’t know what that is but it’s not Canada. Canada isn’t over on this side… Wait. Is it?!”

Girl #1: “So, if we’re in the west… and Canada’s in the east like New York… Wait, yeah, how could it be over here, too?!”

Girl #2: “I think [Guy] is f****** lying to us!”

Canada: America’s Hat, Part 9
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 8
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 7

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