Avocado Hand, Cousin Of Salad Fingers

, , , , , , | Healthy | September 16, 2020

My grandma calls my mom to tell her she has just had a minor fall, so my mom and I rush over to help her right away. We notice that she has bumped her head and it is bleeding slightly. Even though she is in a good mood and says she feels fine, we decide to take her to the emergency room to get it checked out.

At the hospital, my grandma is shown to a bed in a large open room with several other patients. In the bed closest to hers is a man in his twenties or so who looks really nervous, so we decide to start up a friendly conversation while we are all waiting.

Man: “Yeah, I’m here because of an avocado.”

Grandma: “Wow, must have been some avocado! How did you manage that?”

Man: “Yeah, man, avocados are like, really dangerous! I was just gonna make some guacamole — it’s so good, you know? So, I opened the avocado, and I went to take the pit out with a big knife like chefs do on TV. I hit the pit really hard, but the knife bounced and got my finger instead. I’m really afraid of blood, and so is everyone else in my family. It’s just, like, really gross and everything. So, I barely managed to call 911 before I passed out, and they brought me here.”

Grandma: “I had no idea avocados were so dangerous! Don’t worry, though; you got to the right place, and I’m sure they’ll have no trouble patching up your hand.”

Man: “I hope so because I’m starting to feel kinda woozy again.”

Just then, the man’s doctor arrives and starts getting ready to stitch up his hand. We chat amongst ourselves for a bit and then glance over to see how he is doing. The doctor is sitting in a chair beside the man’s bed, facing toward the foot of the bed, and bending over the man’s hand while he works on it.

The doctor is so focused on his work that he isn’t paying any attention to the man’s face, but from our side of the room, we can clearly see that all the color is draining out! I thought people only turned shades of green in cartoons, but let me tell you, it really happens to this guy. As he is getting paler and greener, we try to get the doctor’s attention, but he is concentrating really hard and doesn’t hear us.

Finally, we see the man start leaning to the side as if he were in slow motion, and then he starts to tip over!

Mom, Grandma, & Me: *Shouting* “Doctor! Your patient passed out!”

The doctor looks up for the first time, surprised.

Doctor: “Oh, well, would you look at that.”

He calls for a nurse, who arrives immediately and takes care of the poor guy. She stays with them the rest of the time to make sure he doesn’t pass out again!

Shortly after, another doctor arrives to take care of my grandma. After doing some tests, they find that, fortunately, her injury is minor and will cause no lasting damage, so they are able to give her a few stitches and then send us home.

As we are getting prepared to leave, the same nurse who helped the man earlier comes to check on us, and we ask her how he is doing.

Nurse: “Don’t worry; we got his hand all stitched up and he’ll be just fine. It was actually a pretty small cut. I’ve seen much worse avocado injuries before.”

Mom: “Really? Are people that bad at opening avocados?”

Nurse: “Oh, yeah, avocado injuries are really common, especially here in California where people eat them so often. Our nickname for the ‘syndrome’ is Avocado Hand.”

It was hard to keep from laughing at the man with the Avocado Hand! We’re just glad he ended up okay, and fortunately, my grandma made a full recovery, too. For years afterward, the story of meeting the Avocado Man at the hospital was one of our family’s favorites. Moral of the story: just take the pits out of your avocados with a spoon, people!

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His Loss As It Just Became Boxed Wine

, , , , | Right | September 15, 2020

I’m working the express lane during the tail end of the lunch rush. I see the customer is purchasing four bottles of wine, which means he gets a free wine bag, so I get one before starting his transaction.

Customer: *Rudely* “Can I get a wine carrier?”

I hold up the wine bag.

Me: “That’s what this is, sir.”

Customer: “No, they’re usually cardboard.”

He looks around and spots one of our old boxes that was brought in by a customer earlier in the day and snatches it from the other register.

Me: “Sir, we’ve changed over to these new ones now; we don’t use those anymore.”

The customer begins loading wine into the box before I’m able to even scan them. He is pissed off.

Customer: “Can I just buy these and get the one I want?”

Me: “Uh… okay.”

We finished out the transaction and I offered him a new bag, which was free, despite his rudeness. He leaves and I turned to help the next customer. The next two customers tried to cheer me up, one suggesting that I should’ve carded him just to piss him off.

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This Is As Awkward As Mayonnaise On White Bread

, , , , , | Working | September 15, 2020

In the mid-1990s, “diversity” became an important buzzword in our company. As used by human resources, it meant that having persons of varying backgrounds, genders, and ethnicities together lead to better solutions in groupthink situations. The team I supervised, however, almost never made group decisions. Instead, we all acted as individual contractors, working alone on technical problems for clients. Diversity to me meant hiring the person who had the best demonstrated technical abilities and being sensitive to cultural differences when interacting with them one on one. It did not mean going out of my way to ensure that we all looked different.

As a supervisor, I had to attend a Diversity class. The problem was that getting the instructors to define the word was like nailing jello to a wall; it kept changing all the time. After repeatedly telling us that Diversity was more than counting noses and that it was deeper than that, I gave them an example. In a previous job, I had been in a small group with two other workers. One of us was a Catholic from mid-America suburbia, one was a Jew from a large rust belt city, and one was a Protestant from a small town in rural New England. I called this group diverse by their definition, but suddenly, things changed and the fact of our all being white males trumped the rest.

The fun part came when we were asked to describe what made us diverse individually. We were in the central valley in California, so there were a lot of stories about Latino immigration, working on farms, and the like. Then, it was my turn.

I am a glow-in-the-dark straight white male WASP. My father’s family traces back to the Mayflower — at least nine lineal ancestors on the boat — and other migrations from England and Scotland in the 1600s and 1700s. I was raised in an upper-middle-class household and went to exclusive private schools for high school and college. I went over this in detail. 

Surprisingly, that wasn’t what they were looking for.

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Unfiltered Story #208053

, , | Unfiltered | September 15, 2020

( I work at a gag gift store in the mall, I’ve only been working here for a few months but I love it! No dress code, all the managers are relaxed people and the things we sell range from baby’s clothes to sex toys and all other things in between. Strange as it is, as a introvert I actually really enjoy retail. This happens while our store is having a ‘buy one get one half off!’ on all our jewelry. I’ve just sold a young man and his mother some fake earrings, something he needs for a play in his high school. And a few minutes after I ring them up, I hear this… )

Co-worker: I’ll help you in a minute after I take care of my current customers! *is in the middle of a long looking transaction*

Me: I got it! Don’t worry, [co-workers name]! *I go to help the customers whom I immeditately realize as the customers I just rang up* Oh, is everything okay?

Customer’s mother: My son just dropped one of the magnets for his earring! And we can’t find it anywhere!

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible. I’ll help you find it, it can’t have gone far, right?

( For what is only five minutes, I move displays, get on my knees and look behind our merchandise on the floor we stock and even grab a flashlight. )

Me: In the event we can’t find it, I’ll speak to my manager about doing a exchange, let me check if we have another pair. May I see the remaining earring?

Customer’s Mother: Oh- [son’s name], get the packet!

Customer’s Son: OK. ( as he reaches into his pocket he grabs it and realizes that it was in the back of the packet with the other one. I’m just simply amused by his expression! He tells his mother and she sighs but otherwise looks happy to have it. She gives me a hug and thanks me profusely, honestly it was a shock but it reminded me why I do love working with people! )

Unfiltered Story #208022

, , , | Unfiltered | September 14, 2020

(I’m a customer in this story, and I overhear two other customers behind me in an outdoor theatre.)

Viewer 1: But where IS he?

Viewer 2: He’s over there, by that pillar.

Viewer 1: By the WHAT!?

Viewer 2: The pillar?

Viewer 1: *snidely* You mean CATERpillar.

Viewer 2: What? No, I don’t! Why would I tell you he’s standing by a caterpillar? A pillar is the tall thing holding up the balcony! Haven’t you ever heard of a pillar before!?

(I worry for our future when stuff like this happens.)