Unfiltered Story #135175

, | Unfiltered | January 1, 2019

Years ago, my grandparents decided to join a country club. As they were being shown around the guide talked about what they have…….. and what they don’t have.

Guide: and as you can see. There are no Jews or any person of of color. We do not allow that sort in here.

He was all ready to sign up my grandparents when…

Guide: So, what denomination are you.

Grandpa: Lebonies Jew.

They weren’t. Did I forget to mention that they had serious plans to join a famous march they made a movie about?

Stripped Of The Opportunity

, , , , | Right | December 30, 2018

(My print shop has a lot of regulars, and also a lot of wide open counter space for assembling large orders. One day, one of our regulars, an elderly man, comes in and seems to be noticing the counter space for the first time. He says loudly…)

Customer: “OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT ALL THAT COUNTER SPACE! I could do a striptease up there!”

Me: “Er… not sure the management would appreciate that, sir.”

Customer: *sighing dramatically* “Well, there goes my debut!”

(And he collected his copies and marched out!)

Their Brains Have Been Liquidated

, , , | Right | December 29, 2018

(I work in a nonprofit store that specializes in Christian/Catholic products. Much of our customer base are actually non-religious people, or “on the fence” believers, looking for gifts. Due to a bankruptcy years earlier and everyone buying online, the company can no longer stay afloat and we’ve started liquidation. Here’s just some of what I’ve dealt with so far:)

Customer #1: *brings in a $40 book* “So I bought this for a gift and I know she’ll give it away and I’m not wasting my money on it. Can I return it?”

Me: “Well, ma’am. The company is closing down so we can no longer take returns; however, I can do an even exchange so if you want to find something for yourself—“

Customer #1: “No! Why can’t you just return it?”

Me: “As I’ve mentioned, the company is closing…”

Customer: “That’s not MY problem!”

(She ended up buying $38 worth of stuff twenty minutes after the ordeal.)

Customer #2: *brings up two hand baskets of merchandise and has me price check half of the items and ring up the total for everything* “I’m just so sad you’re closing. I just don’t understand how this is happening.” *I tell her the total and she pauses, taking two of the cheapest things from a basket and pushes the baskets away from me* “Actually, I’ll just take these two.”

Customer #3: *walks in* “You guys are closing?! Why?”

Me: “We can’t keep up and compete with the online market.”

Customer #3: *pulls out cellphone* “Well, are you guys still honoring the five dollar coupons?”

Me: “You means the rewards? I’m sorry, but those have expired as well. The liquidation company immediately made coupons invalidated the moment the stores’ closing was publicly made known. They held keeping rewards already earned but the deadline was March 1st.”

Customer #3: *getting more agitated* “But I spent [amount needed to earn one]!”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am, but the liquidation company only agreed to keep them valid for the first week.”

Customer #3: “Well, I was in here maybe a day or two before you decided—“ *yes, she said ‘decided,’ and gestures to all of the signs* “—to do all this.”

Me: “Well, we’ve had updates and even posts here in the store that the deadline was March 1st.”

Customer #3: “Why didn’t they tell me when I was here then?! They should’ve told me!”

Me: *inside my head* “Yes. We should’ve magically predicted the future just to warn you specifically.”

The United Kingdom Of America, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | December 28, 2018

(I’m visiting family in the US and stopped by a local bookstore that has a large manga selection. I am buying a couple of books when the cashier asks about my accent.)

Me: “Oh? I’m English. I’m visiting family.”

Cashier: “Wow, your English is really good! When did you start learning?”

Me: “Umm, when I was born?”

Cashier: “You’re bilingual? What language do they speak in England?”

Me: “English…”

(Suffice it to say, she was extremely confused. A person born and bred in England speaking English… Madness!)

The United Kingdom Of America

Making A Lot Of Fake Noise

, , , , , , | Legal | December 28, 2018

One of my neighbors bought a large truck a couple of months ago and apparently decided that three in the morning was a reasonable time to work on it, revving it up and leaving it idling, often waking up several of the neighbors in the process. He never drove it anywhere at that point; he just went out, turned it on, and made a bunch of noise. This led to a few of us going over to ask him to refrain. He blew us off, and we ended up submitting noise complaints to the city about him, as he was disturbing our sleep.

This led to him spamming the noise complaint website with dozens of complaints about every house on the block in retaliation, all of them bogus. He made complaints about dogs barking at houses that didn’t have dogs, or people playing instruments late at night. The police ended up coming out several times to investigate, and the complaints were proven to be false each time.

The last time I saw my neighbor he was being put into a police car after having a screaming match with the police on his front lawn.

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