Not The Breast Choice Of Words

, , , , , | Right | March 4, 2010

Me: “Please keep all hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the boat, and remember, pirates, no flash pictures!”

Guest: *takes flash picture*

Me: “Ma’am, please refrain from taking flash photographs on the ride.”

Guest: “I didn’t take a flash picture!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you did. Please turn your flash off or do not take pictures. It disturbs the other ride-goers.”

Guest: “I didn’t take a flash picture! My shirt is still on!”

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Brings New Meaning To Hot Food

, , , | Right | March 1, 2010

(My stall gives away free home-made fire starters made of small wood chips and wax. We have many signs stating this.)

Customer: “Hi. How much are these?”

Me: “Free, ma’am. Just giving them away to anyone who wants one.”

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(She takes a big bite out of it.)

Customer: “These are disgusting! How could you give away such gross snacks?”

Me: “These aren’t actually snacks. They’re fire starters.”

Customer: “Not snacks? Then why do they have a sugar glaze on them, smart guy?”

Me: “That’s not a glaze, ma’am. It’s wax. It helps keep the fire starter going.”

Customer: “Not a snack?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Then why is the glaze brown? Brown means chocolate!”

Me: “Brown is just the color of the candle we melted.”

Customer: “Not a snack?”

(At this point I called over a colleague to set up a demonstration burning in the fire-pit. The woman watches amazed.)

Customer: “They start fires and they’re snacks! Holy s***!”

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The Wisdom To Know The Difference

, , , , , , , | Right | March 1, 2010

(I’m with my wife at a well known fast food place, and they employ a young man with special needs who we both know and are very friendly with. An angry customer accosts him at the register.)

Customer: “S***, they’re taking so f***ing long with my food!”

Employee: “Just a sec, sir…”

Customer: “You’d better!”

(Not three minutes later, the employee comes with the customer’s food.)

Employee: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “Where’s the f****** ranch?”

Employee: “Right away, sir!”

Customer: “No, forget it! You’ll probably slobber all over it!”

Wife: “Excuse me, sir, but this young man is doing his job. He’s not doing anything to hurt you, so how about you shut the f*** up!”

Customer: “F*** you, fat a**!”

Employee: “She’s a nice lady! There’s a baby inside her, and she’s not fat!”

Customer: “F*** you!” *storms out, upsetting some chairs*

Wife: *to the employee* “People are so mean to you, honey. I’m so sorry, I can’t believe he said that to you, that a**hole!”

Employee: *grinning* “Don’t worry about it, Jesus and my mama still love me!” *walks away, the happiest man on earth*

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Bananas Can Taste Of Bitter Disappointment

, , , , | Right | February 27, 2010

(We sell bananas next to the cash register with a sign fixture that reads: ‘Bananas – 90 cents!’.)

Me: “Here’s your tall coffee, sir.”

Customer: *looking at bananas* “Oh, so that’s what you call them! ‘Tropical Paradise Bars.’ I’ve been calling them bananas my whole life!”

(I see the banana sign has accidentally been flipped over to read ‘Tropical Paradise Bars – $2.25.’)

Me: “Oh, that’s the wrong sign.” *flips sign back over*

Customer: “Oh. Never mind, then.” *walks away looking disappointed*

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Scents & Senseless Abilities

, , , , | Right | February 23, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me! Hey, I need to buy a perfume!”

Me: “All right, what kind of fragrance were you looking for?”

Customer: “No, you aren’t listening. I need to buy a perfume and I don’t see them anywhere. You’re supposed to sell perfume here!”

Me: “Well, there are a large selection of perfumes on every shelf in the store.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “Everywhere.”

Customer: “But I don’t see them!”

Me: “If that’s true, then I’m not sure how I can help you.”

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