Brings New Meaning To Hot Food

, , , | Right | March 1, 2010

(My stall gives away free home-made fire starters made of small wood chips and wax. We have many signs stating this.)

Customer: “Hi. How much are these?”

Me: “Free, ma’am. Just giving them away to anyone who wants one.”

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(She takes a big bite out of it.)

Customer: “These are disgusting! How could you give away such gross snacks?”

Me: “These aren’t actually snacks. They’re fire starters.”

Customer: “Not snacks? Then why do they have a sugar glaze on them, smart guy?”

Me: “That’s not a glaze, ma’am. It’s wax. It helps keep the fire starter going.”

Customer: “Not a snack?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Then why is the glaze brown? Brown means chocolate!”

Me: “Brown is just the color of the candle we melted.”

Customer: “Not a snack?”

(At this point I called over a colleague to set up a demonstration burning in the fire-pit. The woman watches amazed.)

Customer: “They start fires and they’re snacks! Holy s***!”

1 Thumbs
3,940

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

, , , , , , , | Right | March 1, 2010

(I’m with my wife at a well known fast food place, and they employ a young man with special needs who we both know and are very friendly with. An angry customer accosts him at the register.)

Customer: “S***, they’re taking so f***ing long with my food!”

Employee: “Just a sec, sir…”

Customer: “You’d better!”

(Not three minutes later, the employee comes with the customer’s food.)

Employee: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “Where’s the f****** ranch?”

Employee: “Right away, sir!”

Customer: “No, forget it! You’ll probably slobber all over it!”

Wife: “Excuse me, sir, but this young man is doing his job. He’s not doing anything to hurt you, so how about you shut the f*** up!”

Customer: “F*** you, fat a**!”

Employee: “She’s a nice lady! There’s a baby inside her, and she’s not fat!”

Customer: “F*** you!” *storms out, upsetting some chairs*

Wife: *to the employee* “People are so mean to you, honey. I’m so sorry, I can’t believe he said that to you, that a**hole!”

Employee: *grinning* “Don’t worry about it, Jesus and my mama still love me!” *walks away, the happiest man on earth*

1 Thumbs
13,319

Bananas Can Taste Of Bitter Disappointment

, , , , | Right | February 27, 2010

(We sell bananas next to the cash register with a sign fixture that reads: ‘Bananas – 90 cents!’.)

Me: “Here’s your tall coffee, sir.”

Customer: *looking at bananas* “Oh, so that’s what you call them! ‘Tropical Paradise Bars.’ I’ve been calling them bananas my whole life!”

(I see the banana sign has accidentally been flipped over to read ‘Tropical Paradise Bars – $2.25.’)

Me: “Oh, that’s the wrong sign.” *flips sign back over*

Customer: “Oh. Never mind, then.” *walks away looking disappointed*


This story is part of our Wrong Names roundup!

Read the next Wrong Names roundup story!

Read the Wrong Names roundup!

1 Thumbs
3,308

Scents & Senseless Abilities

, , , , | Right | February 23, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me! Hey, I need to buy a perfume!”

Me: “All right, what kind of fragrance were you looking for?”

Customer: “No, you aren’t listening. I need to buy a perfume and I don’t see them anywhere. You’re supposed to sell perfume here!”

Me: “Well, there is a large selection of perfumes on every shelf in the store.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “Everywhere.”

Customer: “But I don’t see them!”

Me: “If that’s true, then I’m not sure how I can help you.”


This story is part of our Fragrance roundup!

Read the next Fragrance roundup story!

Read the Fragrance roundup!

1 Thumbs
2,781

Those Who Definitely Can’t

, , , , , | Right | February 20, 2010

Customer: “Hi, can you tell me about your Educator Appreciation Weekend?

Me: “Sure! Teachers normally get 20% off on things they buy for their classroom.”

Customer: “Okay, so how do I prove that I’m a teacher?”

Me: “Do you have a pay stub from your school?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a school ID?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a card from a teacher’s union?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a medical insurance card that shows that you’re on an educator plan?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Maybe a vision or dental insurance card?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a business card?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have any letters from the school or district to you?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Is there a number I could call to verify your employment with a school?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have anything, anything at all, with both your name on it, and the name of some kind of school or educational organization?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Well, I’m stumped. I can’t think of any other way that you could show that you’re a teacher.”

Customer: “Wow, you really don’t make this easy for us, do you?”

1 Thumbs
5,000