(I work Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. My daughter has been having some health issues and recently started having grand mal seizures which require the school to call me to come pick her up. All my coworkers know this. My boss is trying to cover some shifts and asks me:)

Boss: “Can you cover some of the Monday, Wednesday, and Friday shifts?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t think that’s a good idea. My daughter has been having seizures; she had to be picked up Thursday and Friday last week.”

Boss: “So, Friday is the only day you can’t work?”

Me: “No, I don’t have an emergency person to pick her up Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”

Boss: “So, she’s scheduled to have seizures on every Thursday and Friday?”

Me: “No. We don’t schedule her seizures.”

Boss: “Well, can you schedule them, then? We really need these shifts covered.”

(Best part is, we work in healthcare!)

This story is part of our Epilepsy roundup.

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(It’s the middle of January and it’s pouring rain and freezing cold outside. One of the girls in my class is complaining.)

Student: “Mr. [Teacher], I hate today. My jeans got soaked on my way in, my hair and makeup are ruined, and my shoes are all wet. I hate this weather; it’s destroying my life.”

Teacher: “I think it’s funny how in your world, the sky falls when there’s a little rain. In the real world, we call this phenomenon ‘winter.’”

Student: “Well, I like my world better. It’s always sunny there. Why can’t the real world be like that?”

Teacher: “Because we aren’t in Philadelphia. Good thing you go to college next year; move there and it’ll be your dream fantasy world.”

Student: “Now, why would you want me to go to Philadelphia? That town sucks.”

Teacher: “Well, you’ll be 3,000 miles away, and I won’t have to listen to you complain every day about, uh… everything.”

Student: “But I like complaining to you.”

Teacher: *looking at the calendar* “June can’t come soon enough.”

(The girl ended up going to college in Arizona, and still complains every day, even years later.)

(My girlfriend and I are both bi women. She is in the hospital to have a minor operation. I have to work, but I stop by after my shift. She’s woken up already, and I find out she’s had a panic attack — which is apparently fairly normal when waking up from anesthetic — and is recovering from it still. I go to see if I can help, being a friendly face and all. When I get there, she is still having the attack and is clinging pretty desperately onto the male nurse. When her panic does subside enough, I end up taking over so the nurse can do nurse things. My girlfriend is self-conscious over the fact she had a panic attack, so I try to lighten the mood.)

Me: *joking* “Are you being like this because I caught you with a man?”

Girlfriend: *super confused* “What?”

Me: “I mean, getting to cuddle up that real cute nurse. You sly dog.” *I nudge her playfully* “I mean, if you wanted to add a man to us, I wouldn’t be against it.”

Girlfriend: “I don’t understaaaaand!”

(She lightens up after that, and I hang about for a few hours until she’s released. As we’re leaving, we walk by the male nurse, who says goodbye. When he’s out of earshot…)

Girlfriend: “He was so cute!“

Me: “He’s the nurse you clung to when you were panicking!”

Girlfriend: “D*** it! I don’t remember!”

I am a maintenance electrician at a zoo. I’m working in the reptile house installing a new outlet in a tight space between two cages. One of the keepers comes in and squeezes past me, so now there are two of us in this little space. Right as I bend over to pick something up, she starts singing, “We just need to check out your butt; gonna look at your butt.”

Now, I’ve worked with this keeper before, and this is totally out of character for her. I stand up and turn around. She’s singing to the lizard she is doing an examination on.

(I work for a small Internet company.)

Me: “Thank you for calling B-Tape. My name is [My Name]. How can I assist you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I haven’t gotten my order, and I ordered last week. Can you track it?”

Me: “I can help you with that. Do you have the order number?”

Customer: “Yes. It’s [number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, miss, but I can’t find that order. I can try with your email.”

Customer: “Sure, it’s [email].”

Me: “I can’t find it with that email. I can try with your address.”

(I cannot for the life of me find this lady’s information, no matter what she gives me. I am trying for eight minutes because she is so adamant this is an order with us.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I could not find your order or an account. Are you sure you placed it with us? Maybe it was with another company. We are B-Tape.”

Customer: “Look, you took my money. I just want my order. I placed it with you last week. YOU HAVE MY MONEY. So, where is MY ORDER?!”

Me: “I will be more than happy to give you this information, but I do need to find your account. Was it under another email, by chance? Or maybe another shipping address?”

Customer: “My billing address is my shipping address. And I only have one d*** email. I’ll find it; watch!”

Me: “Sure. If you can let me know which department it was sent from, I can confirm the order number on my end, too.”

Customer: “It says it right here, ‘Order [number], placed Tuesday, with T-Stamp.’”

Me: “Oh, I see what happened. We’re actually B-Tape. That’s why I couldn’t find your order. You ordered from another company. I can Google their call center number so you can call them directly after we hang up.”

Customer: “But I already have you on the phone. So, why aren’t you giving me my order. Are you guys a scam? Like fraud?”

Me: “No. We’re B-Tape. B like ‘boy.’ You ordered from T-Stamp.”

Customer: “Yes, T like ‘toy.’ That’s your company. I’m not stupid.”

Me: “There’s some confusion. We both have similar names. But we’re spelled B like ‘Bobby,’ T-A-P-E. You ordered from T like ‘toy,’ S-T-A-M-P.”

Customer: “Oh, wow. If you knew I had the wrong place, why didn’t you tell me?!”

(She muttered about me wasting her long distance and hung up on me after 15 minutes.)