(I am working at an office supply store. My job is very simple: stand in the front of the store where all the printer ink is, sell it, and show customers where other items are. The ink we sell is made using recycled cartridges. Otherwise, it’s the exact same thing as new printer ink; just we refilled it, instead, and put our logo on it. A man walks in who looks like he might be a Nordic giant.)

Me: “Hello, sir. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need ink for my printer.”

(I show him the ink cartridges.)

Me: “Here we have the new cartridges, but over here we have our brand of ink. It’s the exact same thing as the new cartridges, just a lot cheaper.”

(The customer takes the ink and looks at it, a little confused. His expression never changes from a blank stare this entire time.)

Customer: “All right, I’ll take it. But if it breaks my printer, I will come back and break your face.”

(The customer left with the product and I immediately told my manager. He never came back, so I’m guessing it worked fine. Thank goodness.)

(I’m a hostess at a restaurant. It’s been a pretty quiet day until a female customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Hi! I’d like to talk to a manager?”

Me: “Of course. One moment.”

(The manager walks over, as well as her server.)

Customer: “I’d like to make a complaint about my waitress; she gave me too many French fries!”

Manager: “I’m… sorry?”

Customer: “You should be! She should know I’d never be able to eat that many fries! She’s a b****!”

(My manager apologizes and reminds the woman that we have takeout boxes she could have, and that her server doesn’t make the food and has no control over how many fries she got. After it’s all over and the woman leaves, her server comes up to me.)

Server: “I don’t understand customers. She asked for extra fries!”

(I work at a middle school office, and parents need to bring in a doctor’s note if their student missed school because of an appointment. One day, a mother walks in with a note.)

Mother: “I’d like to clear my child’s absence. He had a dentist’s appointment.” *makes no move to hand me a note*

Me: “Sure thing! However, to verify your child was at the dentist, we need a—”

Mother: *interrupting* “That’s fine! I know the date! It was January 8th, 2015!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but… Wait. Did you just say, ‘2015’?”

Mother: “YES! What, are you deaf or something?”

Me: “That was four years ago. There’s only three grades in middle school. Your kid doesn’t even attend this school anymore, ma’am.”

Mother: *now nearly shouting* “BUT I KNOW THE DATE! YOU NEED TO CLEAR THIS! I CAN’T LET THIS GET ON MY SON’S PERMANENT RECORD!”

Me: “Ma’am, even if your child still attended this school, I could not excuse it, because it’s long after the gradebook closed for the year. You don’t need to worry about his permanent record; that’s only for—”

Mother: “AGH! FORGET IT! YOU’RE JUST BEING UNREASONABLE!” *storms out of the office*

(Federal law requires that before administering any vaccine or prescribing any medication, there must be a current DCPR — doctor-client-patient-relationship. Basically, the doctor must have examined the pet within one year of the date. I have been called up front to help a new coworker with a client who doesn’t seem to understand this.)

Client: “I don’t need an exam. He’s healthy. Just give him the shot.”

Me: “But federal law says we have to.”

Client: “But he had an exam in January.”

Me: “Yes, January of last year, so we could have given him the shot this January, but it is now April.”

Client: “Well, what can I do? He needs the shot.”

Me: “We can examine him.”

Client: “But I don’t want to do that. Could my friend Benjamin Franklin convince you?”

Me: “Are you asking me to accept a bribe?”

Client: “Maybe.”

Me: “You realize that the exam is only 50 bucks, right?”

Client: “Yeah, but I don’t want to have him examined.”

Me: “So, you want me to break federal law, make the doctor lose her license, and all my coworkers and me find new jobs in new career fields. Yeah, that’s going to be more than $100.”

Client: “So, how much?”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand.”

Client: “What?!”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand to break federal law; I think that’s cheap. Or 50 bucks for an exam.”

Client: “What times do you have on Tuesday?”

(After the client is scheduled and leaves…)

Coworker: “What would you have done if he said yes to the $750,000?”

Me: “Insisted he bring cash, and check all the bills for counterfeiting, then administer the vaccine. Tell the doctor, and split the money evenly among the whole staff.”

Coworker: “What?!”

Me: “Official company policy says that if someone wants to give you 15,000 times more than the price of the service, in cash, you are not to expected to turn them down. But accepting anything less, not getting cash, not checking it for fakes, or not splitting the bribe are all offenses that will get you fired. We’ve had that option for 30 years now; so far, nobody has ever taken us up on it. Can’t imagine why.”

(Just as Girl Scouts sell cookies, Boy Scouts sell popcorn. We sell many different kinds, including caramel and chocolate. One day, we are selling chocolate popcorn to the people entering and exiting a popular supermarket. Our Scoutmaster is away checking on another popcorn stand.)

Me: “Hello, sir! Would you like to help support—”

Man: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, just give me two packages of the mint ones.”

(We don’t sell mint popcorn, so I am confused.)

Me: “But we don’t—”

Man: “Hey! I just want my cookies! Bring me my cookies and stop ignoring me! Do you want to lose my business?”

(Luckily, there is another Boy Scout at our stand.)

Fellow Boy Scout: “Look, he was trying to say—”

Man: “JUST GIVE ME MY COOKIES! IS THAT SO HARD? HUH?”

(My Scoutmaster arrives.)

Scoutmaster: “Is there a problem here?”

Man: “YES! THESE F****** GIRL SCOUTS WON’T GIVE ME ANY F****** COOKIES!”

Scoutmaster: “They aren’t Girl Scouts. They are Boy Scouts. And we’re selling popcorn, not cookies.”

Man: *turns to me* “And why exactly didn’t you tell me this? Are you trying to lose business? Maybe I would have bought the popcorn, instead, if I wanted it! Ever thought about that?”

Fellow Boy Scout: “He’s been trying to tell you that! You’re just interrupting him!”

Me: “Yeah!”

Man: “You’re making me confused! I demand two packages of each popcorn for free!”

Me: “No! You insulted us and now you want free popcorn? I don’t think so!”

Man: “FINE! I’ll leave! Idiots! You’re all idiots!”

(None of us ever saw him again.)

Related:
Popcorn Forlorn

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