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Two-For-One Plus Four Years Of School Equals Zero Clue

, , , , , , , | Related | November 5, 2022

My son just graduated college and is living and working at home. I’m working from home when my son comes into my office.

Son: “Hi, Dad! I have a question for you.”

Me: “Okay, what can I do for you?”

Son: “[Girlfriend] and I are going mini-golfing tonight. We have two options: there’s an online deal for two players for the price of one, which is $12. Or we can just go and pay the regular price, which is $7 each. What’s the better deal?”

Me: “Okay, let’s do some math here. What’s seven times two?”

Son: “Fourteen.”

Me: “Right. And what’s twelve times one?”

Son: “Twelve.”

Me: “Good. And what’s larger, twelve or fourteen?”

Son: “Fourteen.”

Me: “Okay. So, what’s your goal here, to save some money or to give them more money?”

Son: “Save my money.”

Me: “Okay. So, since we know twelve is smaller than fourteen, what’s the best option to save money?”

Son: “The two-for-one deal.”

Me: “Yes.”

Son: “Well, thanks, Dad. I appreciate your help.”

Me: “Serious question, was this a troll attempt?”

Son: “No.”

He shows me a text thread where he and his girlfriend are struggling to figure out which is cheaper.

Me: “You’re never living this one down.”

Son: “Living what down?”

Me: “That after four years of college, you still have to ask your dad for help with elementary-school-level math.”

Son: “Oh.”

The W Is For “Why?!”

, , , , , | Right | November 3, 2022

My client is a recent stroke victim. I am asking them for the third time:

Me: “Are you absolutely sure this is the correct password?”

Client: “Oops, sorry, I left out a W. It’s hard to drive and text with only one good arm.”

Someone F***ed Around And Mom Found Out

, , , , , | Related | October 27, 2022

I’m working from home. My brother is getting ready to head back to college at the end of his summer. My mom walks into my room unannounced.

Mom: “Hi. I’m helping [Brother] pack, and we need some more storage containers. Do you have anything we could use?”

Me: “Sure, let me look around.”

She grabs a box

Mom: “Oh, this would be perfect.”

She opens it before I can stop her and gets a horrified look before holding up an unopened and unused condom.

Mom: “Uh, [My Name], what is this?”

Me: “What do you think it is?”

Mom: “Why do you have this?”

Me: “Because I have a girlfriend and I’m being safe, just like you taught me.”

She just stares at me.

Me: “Well, this just got awkward quickly.”

Mom: “Yeah, uh, thanks. I think we have some boxes in the garage.” *Leaves*

On the plus side, she never randomly went through stuff in my room again.

Clear Of Throat And Customers

, , , , | Right | October 26, 2022

I work in the gift shop of an aquarium. We are close to the entrance, so I often end up answering visitor questions. I generally try to be proactive in talking to guests, especially if they look confused or lost.

On this day, it wasn’t all that busy, so I had pulled a couple of boxes from the back and was restocking the shelves. A lady wandered into the store, looking around but basically making a beeline right for where I was, so I stood up as she approached.

Me: “Hello! Welcome to [Aquarium]! How has your visit been today?”

Woman: *Silence*

Me: *After a few moments* “Is there anything I can help you with today?”

She continued to not say anything, looking anywhere in the store but at me.

Me: *After a few more moments* “All right, well, just let me know if you need anything.”

I turned to start stocking again. The moment I turned away, the lady suddenly and abruptly cleared her throat. I turned to look at her, just in time to see her sharply look away and keep looking around anywhere but me.

I turned back to the box, and sure enough, she once more loudly cleared her throat. Now, while I’m more than happy to help people, I’m not really willing to put up with being yanked around, so I simply kept pulling items out of the box.

She cleared her throat three more times before finally flouncing out of the gift shop entirely.

You Just Permanently Ruined My Appetite

, , , , , , , , | Working | October 26, 2022

This takes place early on in the global health crisis, around mid- to late 2020, during a bathroom break on one of my shifts. My boss is using the urinal while my coworker is in the stall. My coworker finishes up and walks out of the stall, but my boss stops him.

Boss: “Flush that toilet, [Coworker], or you’re fired. And remember to wash your hands. We’re in a [health crisis], you know.”

My coworker grumbled, flushed the toilet, and then stormed over to the sink to wash his hands. I then went into the now-vacated stall and closed the door. My boss finished using the urinal at that moment and left the men’s room… without flushing or washing his hands.

I should probably mention at this point that we work in a food distribution warehouse, handling all manner of food products that later get distributed to grocery stores to be sold to consumers.