Would Be Crazy For A Therapist To Say That

, , , , , | Right | January 16, 2018

(I’m a patient, wrapping up a session with my therapist. The appointment cards have crisis numbers on the back in case you need help between appointments.)

Therapist: “Here’s your appointment card, and as usual, our crisis stuff is on the back.”

Me: “…”

Therapist: “Er… Well, even if you don’t need it, it’s good to have in your workplace just in case someone needs help in a crisis.”

Me: “Oh, ‘CRISIS!’ I thought you said. ‘crazy stuff!'”

Therapist: “Oh, my God, no!”

Me: “Yeah, I was like, ‘Well, that’s a little insensitive.'”

Therapist: “Oh, my goodness, nooooo.”

This Customer Needs To Be Ghosted

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2018

Cashier: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need a refund for this game!”

Cashier: “Was it defective?”

Customer: “It released evil spirits into my house!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Unless it was defective, it cannot be returned once opened.”

Customer: “MY HOUSE IS CURSED BECAUSE OF YOU!”

(I see the title of the game at this point, Wii Play Plus, and know exactly what she is talking about.)

Customer: “YOU WILL GIVE ME A REFUND OR I WILL SUE THIS STORE FOR EVERY F****** PENNY!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. The ghost mini-game does not actually detect real ghosts.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “The Wii takes advantage of the Wii MotionPlus to detect where it’s pointing even if it’s off the screen. There are no actual ghosts in your house.”

Customer: “Well, I never! Who thought that was a good idea? People could get confused easily!” *flounces out, game in hand*

(The cashier wordlessly handed me a 75%-off coupon.)

Unfiltered Story #103652

, , | Unfiltered | January 14, 2018

(We’re experiencing heavy rain for the first time in over a decade. The hospital I’m working at is understaffed for the flood of patients, and I’m pulling a graveyard ER shift even though I’m a radiologist. A presumably homeless, middle-aged man comes bursting through the ambulance-bay doors; he is drenched from head-to-toe and what I assume to be mud is dripping from his hands.)
Man (shouting loud enough for the whole floor to hear him): The Lord has told me of the endtimes and told me to bury His seed so His world can grow anew! He said I must find Saviors for His new world!
(He approaches me)
Man: You, child, have the Glow of a Savior. Join me in His mighty world!
(Again, I usually don’t deal with crazies; I’m just here to help with the X-rays, MRIs, and CTs)
Me: Uh, sure?
(He grins, displaying rotting teeth and draws a cross on my forehead. A nurse manages to get a syringe to pierce through his coat and administers a sedative)
Man (fading into unconsciousness): Bless you, child.
(The nurses load him onto a gurney and take him to a bed. They check him over and find that he’s fine. Once he’s conscious again, he’s released.)

Unfiltered Story #103648

, , | Unfiltered | January 14, 2018

A little bit of background: I work at a coffee shop where the customer receipts and the food order ticket both print out right next to the register. The cashier is then supposed to take the order ticket and give it to the worker at the food station. Without this ticket, we don’t know what food to make.

One morning we are SLAMMED! I clock in and am immediately put on register. My store manager is working on food right behind me. She hands me two croissants to hand out.

Me: “Two croissants to go!”
(Customer approaches and I go to hand them over)
Customer: “I’d like those in a bag with the rest of my order.”
Me: “Ok, not a problem. What else did you order?”
(Customer mumbles something about a bagel and walks away. For the next 15 minutes my manager and I are trying to figure out what else he ordered. This is hard to do since I don’t have enough time between ringing out customers to look at the previous sales on the register. Finally the customer and his wife come back up.)
Customer: “Where’s my food?! We’ve been waiting a long time!”
Me: “Yes, sorry about that. We’re just having some trouble figuring out what else you ordered. What did you get?”
Customer: *mumbling while looking at his wife* “We got two bagels.”
Customer’s Wife: *also mumbling* “And an avocado toast.”
(At this point both my manager and I are exchanging looks as we don’t have any orders matching that description. Finally I decide to just ask for the name.)
Me: “What was the name?”
Customer: “It’s [customer’s name]!”
(He proceeds to pull the order ticket OUT OF HIS POCKET to show me. I’m dumbfounded at the point trying to figure out how best to explain the situation without letting the customer know that he was a complete idiot for taking that in the first place.)
Me: “Sir where did you get that?”
Customer: “From there!” *points at the printer next to the register, meaning our cashier did not mistakenly hand it to him. He had reached past our cashier while she was distracted and taken it.*
Me: “Well, the reason we haven’t made your food yet is because you’ve taken the order ticket. Without that we don’t know what to make.”
(Customer proceeds to stare at me as if he doesn’t quite understand. I try to explain it again before he cuts me off.)
Customer: “Ugh, alright! Here!
(I give the order ticket to my manager, who then makes it as quickly as she can before throwing everything in a bag and handing it off. Once they leave we just shake our heads in disbelief. This guy was a regular so there was no excuse for him not knowing how our system works! Needless to say we spent the rest of the day telling our coworkers and laughing at him.)

Have You (Bapho)Met?

, , , , , , , | Right | January 13, 2018

(I wear a pentacle necklace with Baphomet, the “Satan” goat, every day. Today I’m in a craft store looking at nursery fabrics. I visit this store a lot and I know the basic layout. Two middle-aged women wearing crosses approach me.)

Customer #1: “Excuse me, where are your Velcro strips?”

(I don’t work there. I’m wearing jeans, a Slipknot t-shirt, and arm warmers with belts on them. It couldn’t be farther from the store’s uniform.)

Me: “Oh, do you see the big racks with the big rolls of foam on them? The Velcro should be on a shelf right across from them.”

Customer #1: “Oh, thank you, sweethea—” *notices my necklace, crosses herself and the forehead of her companion, and shuffles away*

(I ignore them and continue looking at the fabric. The manager is manning the cutting counter a few feet away and I overhear them talking to him.)

Customer #1: “Excuse me, ma’am, but I want to file a formal complaint about your employee over there.” *points to me*

Manager: “Uh… Which one, ma’am?”

Customer #2: “That one, right there! The fat one!”

Customer #1: “She’s wearing the ugliest, most sinful necklace. She’s obviously a heathen that’s going to burn in the deepest depths of Hell, and I refuse to shop here while a servant of the Devil is here.”

(The manager stands there, confused and disturbed.)

Customer #2: “Are you just going to stand there staring at her or are you going to tell her to leave?”

Manager: “Well, ma’am, she… Uh…” *pause* “Well, if you continue with your shopping, we’ll handle the situation.”

Customer #1: “Good! I would expect that from a God-fearing Christian.”

(The women moved on happily and I never heard a word from the manager, even after having him cut some fabric for me. The cashier even complimented my necklace!)

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