(I work as a sales associate at a store that sells a lot of home furnishings, as well as furniture. I work with smaller items like vases and dinnerware. I’m currently working with kitchen products. A customer approaches the counter.)

Me: “Hi there. How are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’ve got a complaint.”

Me: “Okay, I’m sorry to hear that, but how may I be of assistance in handling this complaint?”

Customer: *takes out an ice cube tray* “I have a complaint about this product.”

Me: “Okay. What is wrong with the ice cube tray?”

Customer: “I’ve been using it for about a year and a half and it’s taken on an odd smell.”

Me: *warily picks up the tray and sniffs it to discover that it’s the smell of frozen food bags and general “freezer” smell* “I think this is what it’s supposed to smell like. That’s what mine smells like.”

Customer: “Well, then, something is very wrong with you because it shouldn’t smell like that.”

Me: “I… Would you like to buy a new one?”

Customer: “I’d like to return this one.”

Me: “Well, you just said that you have been using it for over a year, and it smells normal to me. Maybe if you clean it and then clean out your freezer, you can continue using it.”

Customer: “No. I want a refund because it doesn’t smell right.”

Me: “Our policy is ninety days in unused and unwashed condition, with receipt, for a full cash refund, and not only have you used it and washed it, but it’s also been over a year since you bought it.”

Customer: “I demand to speak to your manager.”

Me: “About an ice cube tray that smells normal? I’ll get her, but I generally wouldn’t bring back items that cost $10 after a year of use.”

(The customer was so grumpy she had me pull my manager, who reluctantly gave her store credit for the product so that she could keep good faith with the customer.)

(I’m taking a class on sustainability. We’re currently talking about the footprint humans leave on the earth and how damaging it is.)

Professor: “So, our current way of life would only be sustainable if we were able to inhabit 1.5 Earths.”

Student: “Is that a problem?”

Professor: *upon realizing she’s serious* “Uh, yeah, it is, actually.”

Student: “Why? I don’t see a problem.”

Professor: “Well, do you have another half-Earth lying around somewhere?”

Student: “No.”

Professor: “Well, then, there’s a problem.”

Student: “Can’t we just make another Earth?”

(I’ve heard lots of dumb things said over the years, but I think that takes the cake.)

Me: “Hi. How may I help you?”

Lady: “Hi. I’ll have the nacho strips with guacamole, and a large [soda].”

Me: “The guacamole is an extra fifty cents. Is that okay?”

Lady: “Yeah, fine.”

Me: “All right, your total is $4.50.”

Lady: *hands me her card*

Me: *rings her up, hands her the large soda, and since there aren’t any other customers I get her order right away* “Here you go, ma’am.”

Lady: *looks at her food then back to me with a frown on her face* “What is this? I didn’t ask for guacamole on this.”

Me: “Huh? Yes, you did.”

Lady: “No. I didn’t.”

Me: “Ma’am, the strips don’t come with guacamole. I can’t physically put some on your food unless you ask for it.”

Lady: “Well, I didn’t ask for it, and I don’t want it. I want new strips without guacamole on them.”

Me: “One moment, ma’am.”

(I don’t want to try to argue this with her so I tell my manager who pretty much says the same thing — that no one would’ve given her any guac unless she asked for it. I shrug. She tells me we can replace the order, but since we haven’t had customers we don’t have any strips ready. She’ll have to wait.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, I can replace those for you, but it’s going to take at least ten minutes to make a new batch of strips.”

(I admit I said this a bit too cheerily.)

Lady: “What? I don’t want to wait that long!”

Me: “Unfortunately, that was the last of the strips we gave you before. So, in order to replace your order, we will have to make more, and it will take at least ten minutes.”

Lady: *huffs* “Fine.”

(I conveniently forgot to refund her fifty cents for the guac on her previous order. And I took more pleasure than I ought to have, watching her wait for her food. When her new order was ready I set them out on the counter and she just took them and left without a thank-you. But that was fine because, in all honesty, she wasn’t welcome.)

So I worked at an international retail chain known for having rather large stores and cheap prices. This particular store though is a bit small for its chain(80,000sq feet compared to the 315,000sq feet of the next nearest store 10 miles away) and as such doesn’t carry all of what everyone usually associates our chain for having on hand across the USA.

Confused looking customer: “Excuse me young man, can you direct me to your RV supplies?” (we get this question all the time)

Me: Sorry Ma’am but we dont carry those supplies here. The next [STORE] 10 miles away has a huge section there.

Customer: (gives me a dumbfounded look) “You dont carry RV supplies? How can you not carry RV supplies!?!” (She has started to scream at this point and is waving her arms around for dramatic effect.) “This is False advertising! This aint no [STORE]!! im going to sue you and the Managers here for False Advertising!! This aint no [STORE] this is a false [STORE]!!!

The Customer turns away, face a shade of purple reserved normally for beets, screaming and ranting the whole way out through the front door about how “This aint no [STORE]!!

It was all I could do to not burst out laughing.

(The supermarket in my area closes at midnight. I’ve just finished my late-night shopping and am exiting the store with my cart. It’s 12:01 am. A man parks his car and starts walking towards the store.)

Employee: “We’re closed.”

Customer: “[Supermarket]s don’t close.” *continues walking*

Employee: “This one closes at midnight. It’s not a supercenter.”

Customer: *continuing to approach* “Bulls***. [Supermarket]s don’t close.”

(Two other, rather burly employees block the entrance/exit door.)

Customer: *to them* “Outta the way!”

Burly Employees: “We’re closed.”

Customer: “[Supermarket]s don’t close!” *tries to get past them, but can’t*

Me: “This one does, you ignorant motherf*****!”

(He finally turns away and starts heading back to his car, but pauses to yell one more broadside over his shoulder at the employees.)

Man: “You’re all idiots! [Supermarket]s DON’T CLOSE!”