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Bringing Home The Bacon And Passing It To Your Spouse

, , , , , | Romantic | December 26, 2021

Wife: “I don’t understand the excitement about bacon. I mean, it’s fine as a condiment in small quantities, but as, like, a central part of a breakfast, I don’t like it.”

Me: “Okay, we will be getting a divorce shortly.”

Wife: “Why? You can just have all of mine.”

Me: “Okay, we will be getting a divorce never.”

Better Than A Space Delivery Boy

, , , , , | Friendly | December 26, 2021

This was several years back, after the Mars rover Curiosity successfully landed on the planet, the first Mars rover that could dig up soil samples for chemical analysis. There was excitement about it all over the news.

My sister, parents, and I were out having lunch with our parents’ friends, a very extroverted couple who love to travel and meet lots of people. The conversation turns to the Mars rover.

Friend #1: “You know, we know one of the engineers working on that project! He’s one of the guys in charge of getting the soil samples with the rover.”

Friend #2: “Oh, they were all ecstatic over there when it landed.”

Friend #1: “They were! And you know what? This guy is so brilliant — he works for NASA, after all! — but when he told his dad that he wanted to study engineering back when he was in college, his dad said he’d never be anything but a ditch digger! Can you believe that?”

Sister: *Pauses* “Well… his dad was right. He is a ditch digger. On Mars.”

Everyone froze for a second and then burst out laughing. The friends agreed she was right and that they had to tell the guy what she said the next time they talked to him. We never heard back about a reaction, but I sincerely hope he got to go home and gloat to his dad about landing the best ditch-digging job in the solar system.

I Don’t Think Santa Makes Stops At The Jail

, , , , , | Legal | December 24, 2021

One Christmas Eve when I am working retail in a small computer store, a man comes to our door ten minutes after we close.

Man: “I reserved a video card for pickup online and need to pick it up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the store closed ten minutes ago and all the point-of-sale systems are going through the end-of-day procedures and cannot be interrupted.”

Man: “I really need to get it; it’s a gift for my son.”

Me: “[Large Retailer] is open for another hour.”

Man: “Okay, can I just get a copy of the invoice to show my son what I’m getting him?”

Me: “I can do that.”

I go into the office to get the invoice and make a copy for him.

When I open the door to give it to the man, he yanks the door open out of my hand and charges me, knocking me down.

Man: “Okay, now put the tray from both registers on the counter and lie down on the floor behind it!”

I did exactly what he asked, and he took both tills and took off, forgetting that I had the original invoice with his name, address, and phone number.

I bet that Christmas sucked for both him and his son.

It Was A Christmas Miracle He Wasn’t Arrested

, , , , , , , | Right | December 24, 2021

It’s Christmas and my family is shopping at a big box store. My husband and kids browse the toys while I grab some essentials. My husband whispers to me that he’s found a perfect gift for our oldest and he has stuffed it under his shirt to keep it a surprise.

We head up to the checkout and I unload our cart. At this point, we hear the employees’ walkie-talkies going off with some random code. We ignore it and push up our items. I then grab the kids and announce that we will get loaded into the car while my husband pays. The kids are delighted and skip out. 

My husband then pulls out the toy and pays for all our shopping, making a joke with the cashier about how hard it is to keep gifts a surprise. He looks around and realizes that there are three security guards now stationed at the door and the cashier confirms that they assumed he was trying to shoplift. 

Lesson learned: just come back to buy the gift later instead of worrying security.

Some Customers Have Been Sour About It

, , , | Right | December 23, 2021

I stop by the local ice cream shop to pick up a pint to take home. They are advertising a flavor of the month: Sour Patch Kids, with the actual candy swirled right in.

Me: “Could I try the Sour Patch Kids, please?”

Employee: “Just so you know, it’s sour!”

Me: *Taken aback* “Well, I should hope so.”

He laughed, but I have to wonder how many people asked for it by name and then complained that it was sour! It was very tasty and it’s what I chose for my pint.