Gladiatorial Combat Is Kosher

, , , | Learning | September 26, 2017

(I am in an upper-division theatre history class that is primarily for drama majors, no first-year students. One of the professor’s favorite sayings is, “The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask.” On this day he is lecturing about popular Roman entertainments: gladiator vs. gladiator, gladiator vs. lion, lion vs. Christian, and so on. One student raises her hand.)

Student: “Were the Romans still mostly Jewish at this point?”

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Women Being Bad With Technology Is An Old Wives’ Tale

, , , | Right | September 26, 2017

(I work in a photo center in a retail store. Older customers often need help with our clearly-labeled touch screens.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. Did you need help?”

Customer: “Do this for me.” *hands me a camera*

Me: “I can show you how to use our machine.”

Customer: “No, my husband is sick.”

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Unfiltered Story #95700

, | Unfiltered | September 26, 2017

I’m standing behind another customer who’s trying to pay for her hair cut at the counter. There’s a big sign on the counter: “We’re sorry, but our card reader is broken! We can only accept cash. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

Customer: <takes out a credit card and hands it to the clerk>

Clerk: Oh, I’m sorry, our card reader isn’t working right now. We can only take cash,

Customer: Oh, okay. How about debit?

Clerk: Our card reader is broken. We can’t take any cards, only cash.

Customer: Well, I don’t know how to pay you then!

Elevating Their Expectations

, , , , | Related | September 25, 2017

(My grandmother’s house is built right on the side of a steep hill. Because of this, some of the architecture is a little strange. For example, in order to get down to the level backyard, you have to take three flights of exterior deck stairs from the top floor all the way down, instead of just heading out a back door that’s level with the yard. One summer, my cousins, siblings, and I are visiting grandma, and all of us older kids decide to hang out in the backyard. My youngest sister, four years old, comes out onto the top floor deck and yells down at us, while standing immediately to the right of the stairs.)

Sister: “HEY! HOW’D YOU GUYS GET DOWN THERE!?”

Me: “WE TOOK THE ELEVATOR!”

Sister: “THE ELEVATOR!?”

Me: “YEAH! YOU GOTTA FLIP LIGHT SWITCHES IN THE HOUSE UNTIL THE ELEVATOR APPEARS AND THE DOORS OPEN!”

(My sister excitedly runs indoors while my middle sister and cousins laugh hysterically. Minutes later, my mom storms out onto the deck and hollers down.)

Mom: “WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU TELL YOUR SISTER?!”

Me: “I ONLY TOLD HER HOW TO FIND THE ELEVATOR TO GET DOWN HERE!”

(Mom marched back inside, and minutes later my little sister came out and found the staircase down to the yard. Apparently, she’d been running around the house flicking the lights on and off, getting more and more frustrated each time an elevator didn’t magically appear. Later, when I explained the whole story to Mom, we had a good laugh… but my cranky old grandma pretended she didn’t think it was that funny, while trying to keep the corners of her mouth from quirking up.)

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There Is A Burning Need To Leave

, , , | Right | September 25, 2017

(There is a fire next door, and I have just been notified. I am about to go around alerting the guests in the building next to the one that is burning. Thankfully, only one of the rooms is occupied.)

Me: *knocks on the door, and the guest opens up* “Hi! There is a fire next door, and I have to ask you to evacuate immediately.”

Guest: “What?”

Me: “The building behind your room is on fire, and we are not sure if the fire will come this way, so we are asking that you leave the room.”

Guest: “Leave my room? I have to take a shower! I need to go somewhere and get ready!”

Me: “Well, the building behind you is burning, and has smoke coming out of the roof!”

(The guest closes the door. I can’t get her to leave, so I go find my manager to help me. I am unable to find her until I look on our roof. She is up there, spraying water with a hose on our roof, so the fire won’t be as dangerous if it comes over to our building. She tells me to get a key to another room and ask the guest again to leave.)

Me: *knocks on the door, and the guest’s husband opens up; all the while you can hear the fire trucks approaching* “Hi, there’s a fire next door—”

Guest’s Husband: *he cuts me off* “Yeah, I know. I opened up the bathroom window and immediately smelled the smoke. I had to show her so she would get dressed.”

Guest: *fully dressed and with a “just got yelled at” expression on her face* “I’m ready. Where do we have to go?”

Me: “Here’s a key to room [number]. It is in the other building, and you can keep it for the rest of the night. You can finish getting ready in there.”

(I may not have had a building full of guests, but the only two that I had sure caused me some trouble.)

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