Ticketing System, Not Ticket In System

, , , , | Right | May 17, 2011

(Our theater has two methods of buying tickets. The box office outside, and the indoor computerized ticket kiosks, which accept only credit cards.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can you tell me what that machine does?”

Me: “That’s an automated ticket kiosk. You can avoid lines at the box office by either purchasing tickets from it directly, or picking up will-call tickets.”

Customer: “Well, when is it going to give my ticket back?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I saw the machine, and didn’t know what it did. I put my ticket in here.”

(He points to the credit card slot.)

Customer: “Now, I can’t get it out.”

(I am silent as I try to work out how to respond.)

Customer: “So, can I go see my movie now?”

Me: “No, sir. I’m sorry to inform you that you no longer have a ticket.”

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When Bowels Camembert It Any Longer

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2011

Customer: “Can I get a quesadilla with guacamole, but no sour cream? I’m lactose intolerant.”

Me: “You do realize that a quesadilla is just cheese in a flour tortilla, right?”

Customer: “I do. You should pray you never have to live in a world where you can not eat cheese without incurring the wrath of your own bowels.”

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Flipping Around The Store Is A Flop

, , , | Right | April 11, 2011

Me: “Do you need help finding anything, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well, I bought these certain flip-flops ten years ago, but you don’t seem to carry them anymore.” *wistful sigh* “They were so comfortable.”

Me: “You could always check out our website online. You might find them there.”

Customer: “Oh! That’s one of them nifty internet things, right?”

Me: “Sure.”

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Don’t Kick Up A Fuss If Your Heart Isn’t In It

, , , , | Right | April 8, 2011

(We have just landed. One of the passengers has suffered a medical emergency. Paramedics are on the way, and we’ve asked the other passengers to wait until the man has been safely moved from the plane. One of the other passengers speaks up.)

Passenger #1: “What is this? Why can’t we get off?”

Me: “Sir, one of the passengers has just had a heart attack. We need to get him off the plane before everyone else.”

Passenger #1: “This is s***! Why should we have to wait? I want to get off!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You’re going to have to wait like everyone else until we’ve taken care of the emergency.”

Passenger #1: “Let us get off!”

(Another passenger speaks up.)

Passenger #2: “Hey! This man just had a heart attack! His life is in danger. Are you really so selfish that you can’t wait five minutes for him to get medical attention? I hope that if you ever have a heart attack on a plane, they don’t wait for you to receive medical attention. Let’s see how that works out for you.”

(The man sheepishly sits down.)


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I Am The Robot, Goo Goo G’joob

, , , , | Right | April 4, 2011

(I work in the walrus exhibit at the park answering questions about the animals. One of our four walruses has metal caps on her teeth because she scrapes them on the ground constantly.)

Guest: “Hey, I have a question about the walrus with the metal teeth.”

Me: “Ah, yes. That is an interesting story! See, she–”

Guest: “So, why is that walrus a robot?”

Me: “Sorry, what? A robot?”

Guest: “Yeah, that’s the only one with metal teeth. You can tell it is a robot. Why would you put a robot walrus in with the real ones? Or are they all robots?”

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