Asking On The Cuff

, , , , , | Right | August 8, 2017

(The phone rings.)

Manager: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [Manager]. How can I help you?”

Female Caller: “A man is going to call you and ask if you sell handcuffs. Tell him you don’t.”

(About two hours later, the phone rings again.)

Male Caller: “Hey, um, do you sell handcuffs?”

Manager: “Yes.”

Male Caller: “I’m parked in the back. If I give you my card, could you bring me the handcuff keys?”

(My manager went into the back parking lot to find that this guy had been handcuffed to his steering wheel. Instead of making him pay for handcuffs, my manager pulled out his key and unlocked them. Not only had this woman gotten mad enough to handcuff him to the steering wheel, she called every adult store in the area to tell them not to sell him keys. Hell hath no fury…)

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Some Jokes Never Die

, , , , | Romantic | July 30, 2017

(I’m working as a cashier at a grocery store and ringing up a male customer. After greeting him, I ask him if he needs any bags.)

Customer: “No, mine divorced me years ago.”

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Puns That Make You Weak

, , , , | Romantic | July 19, 2017

(My husband and I are at my parents’ for dinner tonight and came early to help set up. Mom had eye surgery last week so we’re not letting her do anything so she recovers well. She’s one of those people who always likes to have something to keep her busy so she keeps trying to pitch in anyway.)

Dad: “[My Name], if you could set the table. [Husband], we’re using disposables so we won’t have to worry about dishes — they’re in the cabinet. [Mom], sit down and relax and stop trying to help!”

Mom: “But I need to do things! Or all my muscles will turn into Jello!”

Dad: “That’s okay! Then you’ll be what they call… Atrophy wife.”

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Dad Enjoys Making A Boob Of Himself

, , , | Related | July 17, 2017

(My dad is… not known for having much shame. So when I go to a mall lingerie store, Dad joins me. He’s talking and joking with the cashiers while I shop for a new bra. As I come out of the changing room with my selection, Dad has unleashed his classic brand of humor:)

Dad: *with bra tied around his head so the cups point upward* “Look! Mouse ears!”

(The store employees lose it, laughing hysterically at Dad’s cheesy grin and unexpected silliness. He grabs another pair and puts them up to his face:)

Dad: “Bug eyes!”

(It was several minutes before I could purchase, but I think he brightened their day so it was all good.)

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Making A Bobe Of Yourself

, , , , | Romantic | July 16, 2017

(My wife and I are in bed, using her laptop to write thank-you cards for our recent wedding.)

Wife: “I have to use the bathroom. And after that I’m going to move to my desk, which means I’m going to put on panties.”

Me: “Noooo, no more naked times. But will I still get to group your bobes?”

Wife: “…What?”

Me: *rearranging the vowels in my head* “Grope your boobs?”

Wife: “Yes… you can still do that.”

Me: “But you’ll be wearing underwear, so I can’t play with your pants-parts.”

Wife: “I’m not sure WHAT new language you’re writing over there… but I want in.”

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