Totally Estúpido! Part 8

, , , , , , | Right | September 15, 2019

(I am an assistant manager for a grocery chain in one of the most relaxed areas in the state. I’m the only manager on duty when our customer service desk pages over the intercom for a manager to pick up line one. I pick up and say the usual:)

Me: “Thank you for calling your friendly [Street] [Store]. My name is Yezi; how can I help you today?”

(I refer to myself as Yezi in the retail world, easier than explaining that my actual name is Yezirah, which nobody really gets. I have been told I don’t have a Hispanic accent even though I was born and raised in a third-world Hispanic country.)

Customer: “Oh, thank heavens, Angie. I was just in your store and the cashier was speaking Mexican to the customer in front of me at checkout… Mexican!

(They could be talking about me, for all I know.)

Me: “Ma’am, do you mean that the cashier was speaking in Spanish to a Spanish-speaking customer?”

Customer: “No, they were just jabbering in Mexican to each other and I am very upset about that, so upset I don’t want to shop in your store until everyone learns to speak American like the rest of us. We’re in America; everyone should speak American!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am. Next time you’re in our store, please feel free to ask for anyone on our management team to help you feel more comfortable and we will make sure you are spoken to in English, as everyone we employ speaks English.”

(Then, in my full Hispanic accent, I say to her:)

Me: “My name is Yezi Osorio, the store manager is [First Name] Arevalo, and our other assistant manager is [First Name] Galvan. Any one of us will be more than happy to help you in any of your shopping needs.”

Customer: *huffs and just hangs up*

(The language is Spanish, not Mexican, and there are 21 other countries that speak it other than Mexico; be careful who you complain to!)

Totally Estupido, Part 7
Totally Estupido, Part 6
Totally Estupido, Part 5

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The True Joker Origin Story

, , , , , | Related | September 14, 2019

(When I become pregnant with our third child, my husband and I decide to spring for the at-home blood test so we can find out the sex of the baby as soon as possible. Both the blood test and subsequent ultrasound show that we are having a boy. The rest of the pregnancy is spent preparing for our second boy: picking a name, buying cute boy clothes, etc. The day of the birth arrives — I have to have a cesarean — and we are excited and nervous to meet our son. I lay on the operating table, my heart rate accelerating with the anticipation of meeting my new baby. The wail of a newborn fills the air, and I find myself breathless for just a moment. “He’s here,” I think. But then I hear this:)

Doctor: “It’s a healthy baby girl!”

(The best part? She was born on April Fools Day. All I can say is, well played, baby girl. Well played.)

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Karen Has Friends To Stop Her Karen-ing

, , , , , | Right | September 13, 2019

(I am a food runner, which means that I don’t take orders, I just bring food to the table. Because of this, I don’t know who ordered what, so I just name the dish and ask who it is for. Today, I am bringing two women their lunches; one ordered a standard burger and added cheddar cheese, and the other ordered our garlic tri-tip plate with a side of vegetables. Obviously, they’re two very different looking entrees, one being a burger and one being a steak. I approach the table and hold the garlic tri-tip plate out in front of me with the burger behind and underneath.)

Me: “Good afternoon, ladies! Who has the garlic tri-tip plate with a side of veggies?”

Woman #1: *looks at the burger I am holding behind the tri-tip plate and SCREECHES at the top of her lungs* “OH, MY GOD, I thought this was an entree! And I can’t do cheese!*continues screeching and whining indiscriminately, red-faced*

Woman #2: “[Friend], I ordered the cheeseburger. Your food is in her other hand.”

Woman #1: *beet-faced and stammering* “I… well… I didn’t know.”

(I set their food down without another word and walked away. Clearly, she came in that day looking to be angry about something, and the fact that her friend embarrassed her was retribution enough for me.)

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Streaming Into The Future

, , , , | Right | September 13, 2019

(I am picking up a few items at the grocery store on the day of the final game of a championship series featuring a local sports team. The checker is trying to make small talk while ringing me up.)

Checker: “You watching the game tonight?”

Me: “Nope.”

(Surprised, the checker goes down the line asking whether other people are planning on watching it.)

Customer #1: “Nope.”

Customer #2: *shakes head*

Customer #1: “I don’t even have cable, so I can’t!”

Checker: *shocked* “What?!”

Customer #1: “I made her squeak. I think I win!”

Me: “Yeah, I cut the cord about four years ago, myself.”

Checker: “How do you even live like that?”

Customer #1 & Me: *simultaneously* “Amazon!”

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Take Care When Leaving A Message

, , , , , | Working | September 12, 2019

(My wife is a hospice chaplain, meaning she works with people at the end of their lives, visiting them in their homes. As many of her clients are elderly, she often has to deal with senility and dementia in the people she works with. One morning, before she leaves for work, I see her make a work call. A man answers the phone.)

Man: *shouting so loudly I can hear him from across the room without speakerphone* “WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU. LEAVE A MESSAGE!” *click*

Wife: *to me* “He… he just hung up. There was no way to actually leave a message.”

(She calls back.)


(My wife sighs and puts the phone down, then turns back to me.)

Wife: “I’m scheduled to visit them today, and the patient sometimes gets confused. I’m worried about what will happen if I just show up with no warning.”

Me: “Well… is there a caretaker or somebody you can contact to let them know you’re coming?”

Wife: “That was the caretaker!”

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