The Century Will Be All Downhill From Here

, , , , , | Romantic | January 18, 2018

(It’s January 2, 2001, and it’s the start of a new year, a new decade, and a new century. My wife and I have just finished enjoying “marital relations.”)

Me: “So! Best sex you’ve had this century?”

Wife: “You bet!”

Only Has One-Topping Brain Power

, , , , , , | Working | January 17, 2018

(I’m sitting beside my husband at home when he calls the nearby pizza restaurant to place an order. I can hear the whole exchange. It goes as follows.)

Husband: “Hello, I’d like to place an order for carry-out.”

Employee: “Okay. Is that for delivery?”

Husband: “No, I said, ‘Carry-out.’”

Employee: “What?”

Husband: “CARRY. OUT. You know, I’m going to place my order, go to your store, pay for my food, and CARRY IT OUT WITH ME!”

Employee: “…”

(My husband stares at me in disbelief. I try to whisper to him to tell the employee that it’s take-out, pick-up, or some other variant, but he can’t make out what I’m saying. Finally…)

Employee: “OH! You want to do take-out!”

(Predictably, the rest of the phone call doesn’t go much better.)

Husband: “Okay, so, for the first pizza, it’s your two-topping deal. I’m wondering if I can do double pepperoni for that.”

Employee: “And what do you want for your second topping?”

Husband: “No, listen. I’m asking you if I can do pepperoni for both toppings. So, put extra pepperoni. Lots of it. We want tons of pepperoni on the pizza.”

Employee: “But you get two toppings—”

Husband: *rolling his eyes* “You know what? Fine. Pepperoni and mushroom.”

(Unfortunately, there wasn’t another nearby pizza place we could switch to, so my husband went ahead and completed the order, but we haven’t gone back to that place since. Having worked in pizza myself, I’m not sure what was so difficult for this employee to grasp!)

Unfiltered Story #103838

, , , | Unfiltered | January 17, 2018

(I work at a coffee shop/cafe/bakery and I am training a new employee on register. We also happen to sell bread we make in house daily. There are a lot of different types and daily specials which have a different cost than the regular $10 we charge. It is quite busy and the line is long. I am overhearing this exchange from the espresso machine.)

Customer: “Can I get a loaf of sourdough bread?”

(This happens to be a special loaf sold for $6, and my coworker doesn’t know that. She clicks “bread loaf- $10” and walks to the shelf where it is kept.)

Coworker: *when she gets back with bread in hand* “Okay, sir. That will be $10.88 with tax. Will you be paying with cash or card?”

Customer: “$10?! It’s supposed to be $6!” *my coworker realizes her mistake*

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir; that is my fault. This bread is a special and costs less than the regular loaf. I will change that immediately.”

Customer: “This is supposed to be a professional business! If one thing says $6, it should be $6!”

Coworker: “I agree, sir, and I apologize for my mistake. I would be happy to get you a free coffee for any trouble.”

Customer: “I don’t want anything for free, but I certainly don’t want to be charged extra for something not even worth $6!”

(My coworker is clearly getting flustered although she is handling it very well. I stop the drink I am making and step in.)

Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I was buying this loaf and she tried to charge me extra! Then she refused to change it!”

Me: “Sir, from what I heard that was not the case. The loaf you ordered was a special and she was unaware, so she thought it was normal priced. When this was brought to her attention she apologized for her mistake and offered you a free coffee. We are very busy right now; please either buy the bread or leave.”

Customer: “I’ll buy the d*** bread but I sure as hell am not paying $10.88 for it!”

Coworker: “Sir, we aren’t asking you to. We are asking you to pay the regular price of $6.53 with tax.”

Customer: “Fine! Get me the f****** bread! And here’s your f****** money! That’s what you get for hiring a woman!”

(The customer grabs the bread and throws his money at us.)

Me: “That is very unusual, [Her Name]. I’m sorry about that. You handled it very well.”

Coworker: starts laughing really hard* “That guy was crazy! Oh my god, ok, I’m good.”

(The day continued nicely and now she is one of our best employees and one of my good friends. We joke about it to this day!)

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 73

, , , , , , | Right | January 16, 2018

Cashier: “Is that going to be a debit or credit?”

Guest: “I don’t know; it’s the card for your store!”

Cashier: “We offer both a debit and credit card. Is it attached to a checking account at a bank, or do you have a line of credit with the store?”

Guest: “Well, how am I supposed to know that?”

Cashier: “It’s your card. Does it come from a bank account, or are you paying it off at the store?”

Guest: *looks at her husband* “Why are people so stupid these days? I guess it’s a credit.”

 

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 72
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 71
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 70

Would Be Crazy For A Therapist To Say That

, , , , , | Right | January 16, 2018

(I’m a patient, wrapping up a session with my therapist. The appointment cards have crisis numbers on the back in case you need help between appointments.)

Therapist: “Here’s your appointment card, and as usual, our crisis stuff is on the back.”

Me: “…”

Therapist: “Er… Well, even if you don’t need it, it’s good to have in your workplace just in case someone needs help in a crisis.”

Me: “Oh, ‘CRISIS!’ I thought you said. ‘crazy stuff!'”

Therapist: “Oh, my God, no!”

Me: “Yeah, I was like, ‘Well, that’s a little insensitive.'”

Therapist: “Oh, my goodness, nooooo.”

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