Needs To Be Tutored In The Art Of Giving A D*mn

, , , , , | Learning | June 12, 2017

(I work as a freelance math tutor. One day, I meet my client for an appointment and have the following exchange:)

Me: “I see you’re going to [Local Community College]. Which class are you taking?”

Student: “I don’t know.”

Me: *assuming maybe he forgot the name of the class* “Ok, do you have the book?”

Student: “No.”

Me: “Well then, do you happen to have the syllabus?”

Student: “No.”

Me: “Then why did you set up this appointment?”

Student: “No, that was my uncle.”

(I just left at that point.)

Completely Estúpido

, , , , | Right | June 12, 2017

(It is my first day working at the store. I am Mexican and have dark skin. I speak Spanish, but I don’t speak to customers in Spanish unless they have already spoken Spanish to me.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Store]—”

Customer: “Stop. No Spanish. We don’t speak Spanish.”

Me: “I was speaking English.”

Customer: “Good, no one in this family speaks Spanish!”

Me: “…”

Shut Down Your Brain

, , , , , | Romantic | June 11, 2017

(I’m on a Skype phone call on my laptop with my ex-boyfriend. He just got done helping me finish a character for a Dungeons and Dragons game I’m trying to make. I start to talk about something when the Skype call drops and a second later my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Ex: “So, I am not a smart man.”

Me: “What happened?”

Ex: “Since we were done with your character and your voice was coming through my headphones I shut down my computer, which in turn ended the Skype call.”

Me: *cracking up for the next five minutes*

Try Some Phish Food Instead

, , , , | Romantic | June 10, 2017

(My husband and I are trying to figure out what to have for dinner.)

Husband: “I mean there’s seafood… or breakfast food. Breakfast fish?”

Me: “I’m not so sure breakfast fish is a thing.”

Husband: “Well you never know. I mean, there’s fish candy.”

Me: “You mean Swedish fish?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Me: “Those aren’t fish flavored.”

Husband: “Oh.”


Me: “Did you really think they were fish flavored?”

Husband: “Little bit.”

(After some more thought, we realized there ARE breakfast fish dishes: kippers, smoked salmon, and fried catfish and eggs, among others.. But Swedish fish still aren’t fish flavored.)

Expand Your Mind, But Not Your Wallet

, , , , | Friendly | June 10, 2017

(I’m in one of the social areas of a large scale online RPG. Out of the blue I get a request from a random player who just runs up to me.)

Player: “Hey, I see you’re wearing some gear from [Area in Expansion Pack #1]. Interested in doing a raid there together?”

Me: “Sure. I need to go back there and grab some additional stuff anyway.”

(We team up to do the raid; however, when I click on the given area, the game throws up an error message saying one or more members of my party doesn’t have the necessary expansion pack.)

Me: “Uh, there seems to be something wrong. Do you have [Expansion Pack #1]?”

Player: “Oh, no. Do I need it?”

Me: “Yeah, kinda?”

Player: “Sorry. Okay, what about a raid in [Expansion Pack #2 Area]?”

(I set up the raid, and get the same error message.)

Me: “Do you have the pack for that area?”

Player: “No, I don’t. Let’s try [Expansion Pack #3 Area].”

Me: “Wait. First, how much of the game content do you have?”

Player: “Just the base game.”

Me: “Well, you’re not going to be able to go to any of these areas without the packs that add them.”

Player: “But I’m in your party and you have the expansion packs! Won’t that allow me to bypass that? I don’t want to have to pay more to get the new loot!”

(I tried to explain that no, you can’t go to areas that you don’t have the content for installed on your computer, and joining up with someone else who does will not allow you to sidestep the issue. He then left my party and I later saw him complaining on the forums about how no one would let him do a raid with them in the areas for which he adamantly refused to buy and install the needed content.)

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