Your Nutrition Is In A Vegetative State

, , , , , | Right | October 29, 2017

(I work in a big smoothie shop that is currently promoting fresh juices, so I have to ask every customer if they want to try one.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Smoothie Shop]! Have you tried any of our fresh-squeezed juices?”

Customer: “No, but I’m in the mood for something healthy. What’s the healthiest juice you have?”

Me: “The [Juice] has all-organic juice with a whole serving of [Vegetable Supplement], and you can’t taste the veggies at all.”

(I hand him a sample.)

Customer: “This is really good, but I think I will just get a [Smoothie containing pure chocolate and ice cream].”

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Very Cord-ial

, , , , , , | Right | October 28, 2017

(This takes place when laptops weigh at least 10 pounds and are rather expensive. My parents pull together the money to buy me one for my high school homework. It is a big deal. We also have three cats. One cat is very young and loves all things plastic. She’s also a cord-biter. It was so bad she once bit though the cord of my sister’s alarm clock and took the electrical shock. She was fine, the clock died with a loud pop, and the cat learned nothing. I’m working on my bed with the a/c adapter cord plugged in so I don’t lose power. Because of the cat, I have buried the cord under pillows and run it to an outlet I rarely use as it is mostly covered by the bed. All is fine until the laptop suddenly dulls in brightness and the battery icon turns on. Confused, I check and the cord is still plugged into the laptop. Following it to the wall I discover the cat found it. Somehow, without my noticing it, she has dug out the cord and gnawed on it. The laptop is under warranty, but I doubt they cover kitten bites. I shut down the computer and tell my parents. They take it well and advise me to call in to see how much a replacement will cost.)

Rep: “What seems to be the damage to the laptop?”

Me: “A kitten bit the cord.”

Rep: *pause* “Your cord suffered damage?”

Me: *picking up on her tone* “Yes.”

Rep: “Okay. As you are under warranty, we will be shipping you a new cord, free of charge. Please destroy the old cord.”

(I told my parents about it and they were happy. The $80 it would have cost to replace the cord would have been a stretch for us at the time. Thank you, awesome rep!)

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There Are Prescribed Lunch Breaks

, , | Healthy | October 26, 2017

(I work in a pharmacy as an intern, and on the weekends, we only have one pharmacist on duty. It is company policy that employees have to take their unpaid lunch by the fifth hour on the clock. This happens when our pharmacist is out to lunch.)

Tech: “Hello there. Are you picking up or dropping off?”

Patient: “Picking up.”

Tech: “I’m sorry, but our pharmacist is on lunch. We can’t sell any prescriptions without a pharmacist here.”

Patient: “Why the h*** not?!”

Tech: “I’m sorry, but it is against the law for us to do that.”

Patient: “Just give it to me! I drove all the way here!”

Tech: “I can’t; it’s against the law, and we have to have a pharmacist here.”

Patient: “There should always be a pharmacist here; it’s a pharmacy! Why the h*** aren’t they here?!”

Tech: “She’s on her lunch right now. She’ll be back at 1:30, but I can’t do anything until then.”

Patient: “I want to talk to a manager!”

Tech: *calls manager*

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t do anything until the pharmacist comes back from lunch. She has to take her lunch, too.”

Patient: “I’m complaining to corporate. What is their number? This is ridiculous!”

Manager: “It’s [number].”

(The patient storms off as the manager just shrugs.)

Manager: “Call all you want. What are they gonna do? Fire me for following the law?”

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Doing Away With Niceties

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 24, 2017

(I’m cooking dinner next to my best friend and roommate when she accidentally knocks something over and it falls to the floor.)

Me: “This is why we can’t have nice things, [Friend].”

Friend: “We can’t have nice things because we’re poor, [My Name].”

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Will Be Strung Along Here For A While

, , , , | Right | October 24, 2017

(A customer and her family come in. I assume it’s her son’s birthday since they’ve all brought gifts. During their visit, I have no problem catering to their needs, but right before they leave they have a silly-string battle. They get the stuff all over the floor and on three separate booths. I later find out that the gunk is like cement after it dries, and is therefore almost impossible to get off. We have a prize counter where you can exchange tickets for toys.)

Coworker: “Do we even give out silly-string as a prize?”

Me: “That would be so evil! These people decided to bring this stuff from home.”

Coworker: “Why would someone even bring that kind of thing into a restaurant?”

Me: “Have you seen the people that come in here? Common sense and respect aren’t dominant traits.”

Coworker: “Oh, yeah. Good point. People suck. Have fun cleaning up that mess.”

Me: *sigh*

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