Doing Away With Niceties

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 24, 2017

(I’m cooking dinner next to my best friend and roommate when she accidentally knocks something over and it falls to the floor.)

Me: “This is why we can’t have nice things, [Friend].”

Friend: “We can’t have nice things because we’re poor, [My Name].”

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Will Be Strung Along Here For A While

, , , , | Right | October 24, 2017

(A customer and her family come in. I assume it’s her son’s birthday since they’ve all brought gifts. During their visit, I have no problem catering to their needs, but right before they leave they have a silly-string battle. They get the stuff all over the floor and on three separate booths. I later find out that the gunk is like cement after it dries, and is therefore almost impossible to get off. We have a prize counter where you can exchange tickets for toys.)

Coworker: “Do we even give out silly-string as a prize?”

Me: “That would be so evil! These people decided to bring this stuff from home.”

Coworker: “Why would someone even bring that kind of thing into a restaurant?”

Me: “Have you seen the people that come in here? Common sense and respect aren’t dominant traits.”

Coworker: “Oh, yeah. Good point. People suck. Have fun cleaning up that mess.”

Me: *sigh*

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The Tax Law Has Ore-Gone Crazy

, , , , | Right | October 24, 2017

Customer: “I’m from Oregon, so I don’t pay sales tax. Please remove the sales tax.”

Me: *thinking I heard her wrong* “Um, what?”

Customer: “I’m from Oregon, so I don’t have to pay sales tax. They made it a law that I don’t have to pay sales tax. So, you need to take that off.”

Me: “Well, right now you are in California,and we pay sales tax, so you have to as well.”

Customer: “Isn’t there any way you can take it off?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m afraid even Oregon residents have to pay taxes in the state of California.”

Customer: “What the f***?! This state is f****** ridiculous!”

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Mystery Meat Burgers!

, , , , , | Working | October 24, 2017

(I have a red meat intolerance, and because of this, I’ve been a vegetarian most of my life. I work at a store that also has a food court. All the food is cooked on site. While I normally work hard lines, which is anything that isn’t clothing, every once in a while they have me work the food court to cover a break. This isn’t usually an issue, as breaks are 15 minutes and I normally didn’t get any customers, but one day someone calls in sick and they decide to put me in the food court all day by myself. These are two of my interactions with customers that day.)

Customer #1: “Hi, can I have a ham sandwich?”

Me: *after looking in the fridge and finding two bags of unlabeled meat* “So… I have a pinkish-white meat and an off-white, grey meat. Which one do you think is the ham?”

(And the second interaction…)

Customer #2: “Can I get a hamburger?”

Me: “I will try my best.”

(I put the meat on the grill and watch it intently.)

Customer #2: “Is everything all right?”

Me: “Well, to be honest, this is the first hamburger I’ve ever cooked, and I’ve never had one before. So, this could be interesting. I’m aiming for better than [National Hamburger Chain] but not as good as [Local Hamburger Chain].”

(After I’m done, I hand it over and [Customer #2] makes a big show of inspecting it and then cuts it in half to look at the center. Finally, they take a bite and slowly chew, looking thoughtful.)

Customer #2: “Well, I would say this is equivalent to [slightly nicer National Hamburger Chain], so I think you hit your mark.”

(At the end of the day, as I’m clocking out and talking to a coworker:)

Coworker: “So, how did it go?”

Me: “I’m fairly sure I didn’t poison anyone. I was also able to figure out how to make a [Local Hamburger Chain] grilled cheese sandwich, animal style, so I will call it a win.”

(My manager also thought it was a win, because I ended up there as my regular position after that. On the plus side, I learned to tell turkey apart from ham.)

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About To Make A (Dis)Appointment

, , , , | Healthy | October 24, 2017

(My multi-specialty medical office has an audiologist who does hearing tests for patients. I assist the ENT [Ear/Nose/Throat] doctors so I handle calls from his patients, since he doesn’t have his own assistant. One of our phone operators calls me at the nurses’ station with an audiology patient on the other line.)

Operator: “Dr. [Audiologist]’s 4:00 says she’s going to be ten minutes late. Is that okay?”

(We allow a 15-minute window to show up for appointments, and a check of the schedule reveals she’s the last patient of the day.)

Me: “Yes, that’s fine, as long as it’s no more than 15 minutes.”

(The operator relays the message and I go about my day. Later, I realize it’s 4:45 and the patient isn’t showing up as checked in on the schedule. I’m about to call up to the front desk to see if they’ve forgotten to check her in when the receptionist calls me.)

Receptionist: “Hi… did you tell Dr. [Audiologist]’s 4:00 that we’d ‘just work her in’ when she got here? Because she just got here.” *I can practically hear the air quotes*

Me: “I most certainly did not. I said no more than 15 minutes late. She needs to reschedule.”

Receptionist: “Yeah… that’s what I thought. Okay. I’m gonna go talk to [Audiologist]. Bet he’ll say the same thing.”

(He did. When the receptionist politely relayed to the patient that he was unable to stay 45 minutes late to accommodate her, she threw a hissy fit and ranted at our poor receptionist for several minutes before storming out in a snit. Her best line, as the receptionist later conveyed, was that she’d told our phone operator she was “on 50” and he should have known how far away she was. Highway 50 runs from West Sacramento to Maryland…)

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