Gonna Be Some Dracarys Up In Here…

, , , , | Friendly | December 13, 2017

(I see a trailer for the show “Game of Thrones”, which I have never seen, nor read the book series off of which it is based. I turn to my elder brother.)

Me: “Hey, didn’t you watch Game of Thrones? Why is it popular?”

Brother: “I never watched it. I think it’s because of the nudity.” *pauses* “And dragons.”

Brother’s Girlfriend: “It’s for nerds.” *pauses* “It’s for nerds who can’t get laid.”

Me: “…”

About To Have A Coronary

, , , , , , | Working | December 13, 2017

(I walk into the break room one morning to fill my coffee cup. Coworker is preparing a fresh pot of coffee. She empties a bag of regular coffee grounds into the basket, then puts an orange decaf pot under it. The regular pot is sitting a foot further away. Coworker just grabbed the closest one.)

Me: “Hey, that’s regular coffee. You need to use a regular black pot.”

Coworker: *laughing* “Oh, it doesn’t matter! Do those wimpy decaf drinkers good to wake ’em up a little!”

Me: *swapping in the correct pot, then dumping and washing out the decaf pot* “How do you know that none of our coworkers has coronary issues and isn’t allowed to have caffeine? Or whether it could trigger a migraine for someone? Would you like to be responsible for someone ending up in the hospital or dead from drinking that?”

Coworker: *alternating between shocked and huffy* “What? Well, but… but… nobody told me!”

Me: “Nobody should have to, because other people’s health issues are no one else’s business. The orange isn’t a fashion statement; it’s a warning. Messing with people’s food and drink isn’t a joke.”

(I finished getting my (caffeinated) coffee and went back to my desk, while Coworker kept repeating “Nobody told me!” Note that I’m not in HR, nor do I have food allergies. I just really have a problem with people risking someone else’s health and well-being because they’re lazy or because they think it’s funny.)

Can’t Vouch For That Scam

, , , , , , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

(I’m a two-month employee at a popular sandwich store in an outlet mall’s food court. I am the only one in the entire store during the lunch rush. A middle-aged woman in a unicorn shirt and tattered jeans comes up to the line for her meal. She orders a half a ham sandwich, and the process goes through as normal. I’m very stressed, but trying my best to be as polite as I can.)

Me: “That’ll be [total], ma’am. Cash or card?”

Customer: “I have this coupon.”

(The coupon is clearly fake. It’s some Google images put together in Paint, with plain text on the front that says “ONE FREE SANDWITCH.”)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; I don’t think I can accept this.”

Customer: “Why the h*** not?”

Me: “I would need my manager’s approval for a coupon of this type, and she’s not in right now.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s bulls***. The management for the mall gave me that coupon because I am a bus driver and I drove 100 people here. That’s a lot of business!”

(The woman begins to yell obscenities at me, including telling the line of now over 30 people to leave because the service isn’t worth it. I am flustered, embarrassed, and on the verge of tears. The mall does give bus drivers of 500 or more people food vouchers for the food court, but they look completely different, and they include the mall’s official seal. They also require the manager’s approval.)

Customer: “I cannot believe this. My daughter would have your head! Who the hell do you think you are, refusing this?”

Me: “I-I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t—”

(The woman suddenly lunges over the counter and takes a swing at me, trying to punch me in the face. I’m skittish and timid by nature and quickly dodge under her fist. She grabs her sandwich and sprints away. I am completely in tears at this point, but people have been patiently waiting. I void the transaction, then run to the next customer in line to begin his order, drying my eyes with my shirt. A few orders go through as normal and nobody says anything about my tears or the violent lady. One of the last customers in the long line asks my favorite type of cookie, orders three, pays for his meal, and then hands me the cookie bag.)

Customer: “These are for you. I think you’re very brave, and I’ve never seen someone tough through service in tears after something like that.”

(Those were the most delicious cookies I’d ever tasted, especially after that kind of day. I quit not long after that incident. I never saw the lady again, though.)

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Taking Advantage Of Some Crappy Sales

, , , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

(A semi-regular customer I’ve helped a few times in the past comes up to my register with only a toilet plunger.)

Me: “Well, I was going to ask how your day was going, but now I feel like I don’t want to know.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s been pretty s***** — pun intended — for sure.”

Me: “I feel like I should let you know that the plumbing gloves happen to be on sale this week! The ones that go up past your elbow, you know?”

Customer: *pauses, thinking* “I’ll be right back.”

The FDA Is Truly Evil

, , , , , , | Working | December 11, 2017

(I work for a company that makes products with laser scanners in them. This means annual inspections by the FDA’s department of devices and radiological health. After the inspector finally leaves:)

Me: “Darn, that guy was here all day, and I forgot to say, ‘Frickin’ laser beams!'”

Coworker: “I’m sure he’s heard it before.”