Out To Extinguish A Dog’s Fun

, , , , | Working | November 23, 2017

(I am checking out with just three items: a dog toy, a fire extinguisher, and a compost aerator. It is Halloween.)

Cashier: “Looks like you’re making a really interesting costume!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s actually my dog’s birthday, so I had to get her a toy to rip apart.”

Cashier: “Ah, and for when things get out of hand…” *gestures toward fire extinguisher*

Elevating The Chances Of That Happening

, , , , , | Friendly | November 23, 2017

(I’m in a large high-rise building, waiting for the elevator. I realize that, out of the multiple elevators, only one is working for the whole building. I get in on the 11th floor attempting to get to the lobby. The elevator quickly goes up, first to the 12th floor, the 14th, the 15th, etc, with one or more people getting on at most floors. It starts to get crowded, and I’m certain we’re about to hit the weight limit. The elevator starts to go down, with even more people squeezing in along the way. People are starting to shift and look nervous. Finally, towards the bottom, with around 15 people crammed into a tiny elevator that is creaking from the weight, the last three get on.)

Woman: *in the elevator* “Ooh, three more now….”

Man: *who has just entered* “Man, I hope they fix this elevator soon, because it is about to break!”

People: *in the elevator* “Anything but that!” “Don’t wish it into existence!” “Don’t even say that!”

(With perfect timing, at that exact moment the elevator dinged, and the doors opened to the lobby. Everyone started laughing. Really lightened up what had become a pretty tense ride. I hope they fix the elevator soon.)

Thankful For Gender Stereotypes

, , , , , , | Right | November 22, 2017

(It’s just before Thanksgiving and I stop by to pick up my pre-ordered 12-pound turkey. This brand comes in a box, with handles on each side. The guy behind the counter looks up my order, then looks over the counter.)

Cashier: “Where’s your cart?”

Me: “This is all I’m buying, so I don’t need a cart.”

(He looks dubiously at my 5’4″, 125-pound frame.)

Cashier: “Are you sure? It’s pretty heavy.”

Me: “Since I regularly lift more than this in the gym, yes, I’m sure I can carry it.”

Cashier: “I really think you should get a cart!”

(Quashing my frustration, I assured him that it would be fine. He shook his head and finally brought out my turkey. It just burns me that no one would have thought twice about me carrying a 15- to 20-pound toddler, but a mere 12-pound turkey is “too much.”)

Dry Wit Runs In The Family

, , , , , , , | Related | November 22, 2017

(My thirteen-year-old daughter has just told me she’s feeling under the weather.)

Me: *feeling her forehead* “Ah, wow, why are you so hot?”

Daughter: *deadpan* “Genetics.”

It’s Gonna Be One Of Those Years

, , , , | Learning | November 21, 2017

(I am on the phone with the local elementary school to find out what the cut off date is for kindergarten, so I can send my twins to school.)

Receptionist: “I am sorry, but [Twin B] can’t be enrolled until next year; his birthday is after the cut off. [Twin A] is able to start though.”

Me: “How is that possible?”

Receptionist: “Because January comes after December.”

Me: “Not in the same year. December 2006 comes after January 2006. Besides, if [Twin A] is old enough, then [Twin B] has to be old enough because they are twins and share the same birthday.”

Receptionist: “I don’t know what to tell you. [Twin B] can be enrolled next year because January comes after December.”

(This goes back and forth for about 15-20 min.)

Me: “Look, this is how a calendar works. January 2006, February 2006… November 2006, December 2006, January 2007. My kids were both born in 2006.”

Receptionist: *quiet as if thinking about this* “Oh, they are TWINS! Why didn’t you say so?!”

Me: “Seriously?”

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