Your Argument Has No Hairy Leg To Stand On

, , , , , | Friendly | November 23, 2016

(In my early 20s I lived with three other women in an apartment. We all got along really well, even though we were from very different places, and would hang out regularly. It’s winter and three of us are hanging out chatting while our other roommate takes a nap.)

Me: “I hate shaving. I’m so glad it’s winter so I don’t have to shave and can just wear leggings and boots or long pants.”

Roommate #1: “You don’t shave in the winter?!”

Roommate #2: “Why wouldn’t you shave?!”

Me: “What’s the point? It’s not like I’m trying to impress anyone right now and no one will see anyways since I’m wearing pants all the time.”

Roommate #2: “You’re never going to find a guy if you don’t shave your legs.”

Me: “What are you talking about? My last boyfriend didn’t care at all.”

(It was my idea to break up. He proposed and I turned him down.)

Roommate #1: “He was probably lying to you. My brother came up to me a while ago and asked me to talk to his wife about how she never shaved. He hated it and didn’t know how to tell her.”

Me: “Dude, that’s totally his problem and something he should have talked to her directly about.”

Roommate #2: “That’s not the point! It’s gross and any guy who tells you it’s not is lying to you.”

Me: “Well, I don’t care! I’m not going to shave!”

(At this point, our other roommate comes into the room, yawns, and curls up on the couch with a blanket. This roommate is very beautiful, extremely sweet, and has a reputation for having guys fawn over her regularly.)

Roommate #1: “[Roommate #3]! Tell [My Name] that she needs to shave her legs and will never find a guy if she doesn’t!”

Roommate #3: “Why would I do that? Shaving sucks. I hate it and any guy who minds isn’t worth our time.”

(I guess they forgot that she was from Alaska.)

Thoughts Suspended

, , , , , | Right | March 11, 2014

(I am in a reserve officer training class at a sheriff’s academy. Enrollment in this class is done through a community college, not the sheriff’s department. When it is time to do the firearms instruction, you have two choices: you can use your own firearm if it is one of the authorized service pistols, or you can borrow one from the academy. If you borrow one, you need a driver’s license for proof of identity in case something happens to the firearm.)

Student: “Well, I don’t have my license.”

Deputy #1: “Then we can’t loan you the pistol.”

Student: “But I need to do this range stuff to graduate, right?”

Deputy #1: “Yes. That is why we tell people to bring their license if they need to borrow a firearm. We cannot lend you one without it.”

Student: “I can’t bring one in. I don’t have a license right now.”

Deputy #2: “What? I saw you drive up here. What do you mean, you don’t have a license now?”

Student: “Well, it was suspended.”

Deputy Sergeant: “Did you just tell us you are driving on a suspended license?”

Student: “Yeah. It sucks.”

(Deputy #1 and #2 share a look.)

Deputy Sergeant: “So which car is yours?”

(The student points it out.)

Deputy Sergeant: “And you drove that here on a suspended license?”

Student: “Yeah. Like I said, it sucks.”

Deputy Sergeant: “Okay, well, let me see what I can do.”

(The deputy sergeant goes to the office, and comes back about 15 minutes later.)

Deputy Sergeant: “When you found out that your license was suspended, did they also inform you that it was for a failure to appear on your drunk driving case and that there was a warrant for your arrest?”

Student: “Uh, let me think… Yeah. There was something like that in the letter.”

Deputy Sergeant: “Well, that warrant is why you are under arrest.”

Student: “What!?”

(The rest of the class was amazed at the idiocy that this guy displayed. His mom came by later to get the car. She was not pleased with her son, and she had no idea he even had a drunk driving incident!)

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Just Got Rid Of His Breadwinner

, , , , | Working | January 22, 2014

(The owners of the bakery I work at recently retired. Our new owner is a kid fresh out of USC whose father bought the business for him to run. It is our first meeting with him.)

Owner: “I’ve been looking at the books and I think I’ve figured out the best way to improve productivity. First of all, due to the recent recession were going to have to implement some cutbacks, starting with salaries.”

(He then announces that most of the employees are getting at least a 10 percent pay cut and the head baker, a man with over 30 years of experience, is seeing his salary cut in half.)

Head Baker: “Why the h*** should we get a pay cut? Business has been improving year after year for a solid decade here and the economic downturn actually lowered our operating costs.”

Owner: “You just don’t understand economics. Now, you can either take the pay cut or find another job.”

(The head baker walked out without a word. It took exactly two days for the new owner to realize that he had fired the only man who knew all of the recipes and who dealt with over half our regular clientele. After a particularly vicious scolding by his father over the phone he was forced to hire the head baker back at nearly double his original pay.)

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Please Let The Coffee ‘Be Good’

, , , | Working | December 12, 2013

(It is the middle of mid-terms week and I am exhausted. I go to an extremely well-known coffee shop for a caffeine boost.)

Me: “Hi. May I please have…”

(I lose my train of thought mid-sentence. I put my index finger up as though to say ‘wait a minute.’)

Employee: “Are you trying to phone home?”

Me: *dazed* “What?”

Employee: “Well, I thought you were like ET… You know, communicating through your finger.”

(The employee mimics me by putting his index finger up, too.)

Me: “Oh… no. I’m just really tired and can’t focus long enough to order. Anyways I’ll have a [Popular Coffee Drink].”

(The employee makes the drink and hands it to me, then waves at me with his index finger.)

Employee: “BYE, ET!”

(After I left, I realized that he had put an extra shot of espresso in, free of charge. The employee put a smile on my face, a pep in my step, and earned that store a regular customer!)

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Studiously Avoiding Responsibility

, , , , , | Working | August 22, 2013

(I am in high school. During lunch, seniors are allowed to go out to eat. Due to not having a class scheduled afterwards, my girlfriend and I can actually take our time to get a proper meal. We go to a fast-food place that is fairly close to the school.)

Me: “Hello. I’d like three chicken sandwiches, a large fries and two small sodas.”

Cashier: “All right, sir, that will be [price].”

(We pay and move to the back of the restaurant to wait for our order. Since the restaurant is fairly crowded, we decide to simply pull out a pair of books and read for a bit. After a while I decide to see how our orders are going.)

Me: “Sorry to bother you, but we’ve been waiting fifteen minutes for our order; are you guys backed up or is there something wrong?”

Cashier: “Don’t you rush us, kid. Can’t you see we have a lot of orders to handle?! You’ll get your food when it’s ready and don’t you bother me again.”

(Not wanting a fight, I simply go back to reading. After another 10 minutes have passed, the restaurant has cleared out of the other students, and my girlfriend and I look up to see the assistant manager.)

Assistant Manager: “Look, kids, we can’t have you loitering around. Now, the [High School] lunch period is almost over, so why don’t you get back to class before you’re truant?”

Girlfriend: “Whoa, were not leaving without our food. How long does it take to make three sandwiches and a side of fries?!””

(My girlfriend hands the assistant manager our receipt.)

Assistant Manager: “Excuse me, miss.”

(The assistant manager goes into the back room and we hear some mumbling, followed by a yell.)

Assistant Manager: “30 minutes ago?! Why hasn’t this order been filled out yet?!”

(After several minutes scrambling, we finally get our order from a rather embarrassed assistant manager.)

Assistant Manager: “I am so sorry for the delay. Apparently one of our cashiers didn’t see you in the restaurant anymore, and figured you had already left and simply cancelled your order in the queue. If you don’t have time to eat, I can easily refund your money and offer you a gift card for $10.00 on any future orders.”

Me: “We actually do have time to eat due to our schedules.”

Assistant Manager: “Well that’s a relief. But I’ll still give you the card. Sadly, one of my employees resents the heavy student lunch rush, and frequently ‘forgets’ orders so he doesn’t have to deal with them.”

(I found out a few week later that the employee in question was transferred to the graveyard shift so he wouldn’t have to deal with ‘annoying students’ anymore. Now he’s stuck dealing with stoners and hangovers.)

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