Caller: “I need copies of my statements! I need them right away. How do I access them?”
Me: “Are you set up to receive your statements electronically, sir?”
Caller: “Yes, I am. Since November of 2015, I think it was.”
Me: “Then you’re already receiving your statements by email as a PDF attachment.”
Caller: “I get my statements, I look at them, and then I move them to the trash folder. Then, my trash folder empties. I need the statements for my taxes!”
Me: “…”
Me: “Can I help you with anything tonight?”
Customer: “Yeah, are your prices here in dollars or Canadian dollars?”
(Cue several seconds of stunned silence as I try to contemplate what could lead someone to ask this question when the closest border crossing is a three-and-a-half-hour drive away.)
Me: “Well, we are in Canada, so…”
Customer: “Well, I don’t know! I’m passing through from the States!”
(I work in the parts department of a car dealership. As such, we sell our fair share of tires. I know not everyone knows their tire size off the top of their head, but most people know enough about their vehicle for us to be able to easily to figure the size out — things like year, model, and trim level, if need be. Not this caller.)
Me: “[Dealer] parts; how can I help you?”
Caller: “I need to get a quote on a set of winter tires for my [Our Dealer Brand].”
Me: “Okay, do you happen to know your tire size?”
Caller: “Uh… No, I don’t, sorry.”
Me: “Not a problem. What model of [Brand] do you drive?”
Caller: “It’s a 2012. or ’11. I’m not sure.”
(We get this a lot: people answering a different qualifying question than the one we asked. Things are still pretty normal it this point, but then this happens:)
Me: “Okay, but which model is it?” *lists off two or three of our most common models*
Caller: “Oh!” *short silence* “I don’t know.”
(I don’t quite know what to say. I’ve never had a customer that was completely unsure of what they drive. So after a short pause, I ask:)
Me: “Is it a car, truck, or SUV?”
Caller: “I don’t know.”
Me: *head-desking already* “Well, is it a—“ *lists off every model we currently sell, or have sold in the last ten years or so*
Caller: “No, it’s none of those.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but it has to be one of those. Are you near the vehicle? Or do you have a copy of your insurance or registration handy?”
Caller: “It’s in the garage. How can I find out what it is by looking at it?”
Me: “There should be a name badge on the trunk or rear hatch.”
Caller: “Okay.” *short pause* “It’s a—“ *garbles the model badly*
(I’m blown away. The name of the model I decipher it to be is six letters long, and pronounced exactly as it is spelled.)
Me: “You mean an [Automobile]?”
Caller: “No, that doesn’t sound right.”
Me: *head on desk* “Okay, hold on a moment.”
(I throw together a quote for some tires that may or may not fit the car, but at this point, in a matter of thirty seconds, the caller has made me lose any motivation to try and sell them some tires. I give the price and tell them that without knowing what kind of car it is, I can’t guarantee the price will be right. The caller agrees, and hangs up.)
Manager: *hearing my side of the conversation* “Fun one?”
(We never heard from them again.)
(My dad and I go to a popular Canadian fast food chain for breakfast. I’m sick with the flu this morning, so I don’t want any food, but my dad asks me if I want anything to drink. Keep in mind that in Canada, asking for “iced tea” usually means you’ll get a kind of juice vaguely resembling cold tea and loaded with sugar, similar to sweet tea.)
Me: “Can you ask if they have unsweetened iced tea?”
Dad: *to the mic* “Do you have unsweetened iced tea?”
Cashier #1: “You want an iced tea? Lemon or green?”
Dad: “Is that unsweetened?”
Cashier #1: “Sorry?”
Dad: *exaggerated enunciation* “Unsweetened.”
Cashier #1: “I don’t understand.”
Dad: “Never mind.”
(He pulls forward to the window before the cashier can respond.)
Dad: *at the window, to a different worker* “What I was asking for was unsweetened iced tea.”
Cashier #2: “Sure! Lemon or green?”
Me: *suspicious because most brands don’t offer more than one flavor of unsweetened tea* “Is it unsweetened?”
Cashier #2: “Um… hold on let me go check.” *disappears for a few seconds and returns with this gem* “I think so. It says, ‘natural flavours.’ Which one would you like?”
Me: *internally face-palming* “Never mind. Thank you.”
Customer: “I need copies of my statements. I need them right away; how do I access them?”
Me: “Are you set up to receive your statements electronically, sir?”
Customer: “Yes, I am. Since November of 2015, I think it was.”
Me: “Then you’re receiving your statements by email as a PDF attachment.”
Customer: “I get my statements, I look at them, and then I move them to the trash folder, and then my trash folder empties. But I need the statements right away for my taxes.”
Me: “…”
