(There is this store where if you return five containers that are empty, you can get a free face mask. I’m a customer, watching this happen.)

Customer: *buying a bunch of stuff* “I also finished five containers.”

Employee: “Oh, do you have them with you?”

Customer: “No, I threw them out.”

Employee: *pause* “I’m sorry, but we have to have the five containers, or we can’t give you the mask.”

Customer: “But I emptied them out! I want my free face mask! Won’t you just throw them away if I gave them to you?”

Employee: “Actually, we recycle them into the signs.”

Customer: *looks around, pays for stuff, and leaves in a huff* “Fine, but the next time I come back with the empty pots, I want two free face masks!”

(My husband and I are keen novice birdwatchers. It is spring, and one Sunday we are driving from pond to pond in a quiet rural area, looking at ducks from the roadside. We finish up for the day and start to head home. After a few minutes of driving, we come to a bunch of odd-looking trash scattered across the gravel road. We quickly stop, but not before driving over some of the debris and a certain distance beyond. It seems to be a good number of white, sausage-like objects. Curious, we use our binoculars to get a better look. A cardboard box in the ditch has a brand name and slogan on it that make us think this just might be a bunch of explosives! Since we have been counting ducks all day — and this is far more interesting than ducks — we carefully count how many sausages we see, and make a note of the number along with our bird-watching notes. Since we have no cell phone, we go to a nearby farmhouse and explain the situation. The farmer agrees to call the RCMP and tell them about this, and we head for home. The next morning, my husband phones the RCMP, as he has a question about the incident.)

Husband: “Hi, I’m the guy that found those explosives yesterday.”

RCMP: “What explosives?”

Husband: “The ones by the road in [Rural Area]?”

(After some initial skepticism and confusion, the RCMP finds the likely source of the explosives, a local supplier that sells that brand. There was only one weekend shipment, but we were nowhere near where it was supposed to go. The explosives are recovered from the roadside… but only half the amount that we noted seeing. The missing explosives are found on the property of the farmer we spoke to, and on the property of one of his friends. After a long day spent talking on the phone with the RCMP, my husband finally decides to call the explosives company with his question:)

Husband: “So, about those explosives. I’m just wondering, because I think I might have driven over some of them… Modern explosives are pretty safe, right?”

Explosives Manager: “Well, yeah, they’re pretty safe, but I wouldn’t want to drive over them!”

(The crew driving the explosives truck was fired that morning, and the explosives company was later hit with a hefty fine.)

(A Customer walks up and asks to pick up his order. I ask him for his name.)

Customer: “[LAST NAME], Delta Echo Bravo (Phonetic) Alpha Yankee”

… A Moment’s Pause…I find the order.

Me: “Oh, [NAME]. November India Charlie Hotel Oscar (Phonetic) Alpha Sierra.”

(I have this conversation on an almost daily basis:)

Customer: “Do you have [thing that was produced in very small quantity and became unexpectedly popular, and is therefore sold out everywhere]?”

Me: “No, we sold out almost immediately, and our distributor didn’t have any left by the time we reordered. We’re waiting on it to be reprinted.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you order it?”

Me: “We have. As soon as we drop below our minimum inventory threshold, we order a restock, but since even the manufacturer doesn’t have any we can’t get them.”

Customer: “But why don’t you just order more?”

Me: *inside my mind* “Because we knew infuriating people like you would want them, and we want to be able to tell you, ‘No,’ honestly.” *out loud* “I can take your name and number and wait-list you for when the reprint finally happens, but that will probably be a few months from now.” *our industry is chronically undercapitalized and multi-month stock outages are common* “If you’re in a hurry you can buy it from a price-gouger on Amazon or eBay.”

Customer: “No, that’s okay. I’ll just come back.”

(Repeat entire conversation next weekend because “months” means “days” in customer-land.)

(2-for-1 deal, short and sweet, working at an all-day grill)

Customer: Excuse me? What’s a grilled-cheese sandwich.

Me: (trying to remain in server mode) It’s a sandwich. With cheese…. which is grilled. (unable to keep up the server routine) Seriously dude. It’s the most descriptive name a food has ever been given.

(Story the Second)

Customer: Are these hashbrowns?

Me: Yes…?

Customer: They look like potatoes!

Me: …. sometimes things look like what they’re made out of?

(Apparently he’d never seen a hashbrown that wasn’t a like a patty from McDonalds)