Supply And Demanding

, , , , | Right | August 28, 2018

(I have this conversation on an almost daily basis:)

Customer: “Do you have [thing that was produced in very small quantity and became unexpectedly popular, and is therefore sold out everywhere]?”

Me: “No, we sold out almost immediately, and our distributor didn’t have any left by the time we reordered. We’re waiting on it to be reprinted.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you order it?”

Me: “We have. As soon as we drop below our minimum inventory threshold, we order a restock, but since even the manufacturer doesn’t have any we can’t get them.”

Customer: “But why don’t you just order more?”

Me: *inside my mind* “Because we knew infuriating people like you would want them, and we want to be able to tell you, ‘No,’ honestly.” *out loud* “I can take your name and number and wait-list you for when the reprint finally happens, but that will probably be a few months from now.” *our industry is chronically undercapitalized and multi-month stock outages are common* “If you’re in a hurry you can buy it from a price-gouger on Amazon or eBay.”

Customer: “No, that’s okay. I’ll just come back.”

(Repeat entire conversation next weekend because “months” means “days” in customer-land.)

Unfiltered Story #117765

, | Unfiltered | July 28, 2018

(2-for-1 deal, short and sweet, working at an all-day grill)

Customer: Excuse me? What’s a grilled-cheese sandwich.

Me: (trying to remain in server mode) It’s a sandwich. With cheese…. which is grilled. (unable to keep up the server routine) Seriously dude. It’s the most descriptive name a food has ever been given.

(Story the Second)

Customer: Are these hashbrowns?

Me: Yes…?

Customer: They look like potatoes!

Me: …. sometimes things look like what they’re made out of?

(Apparently he’d never seen a hashbrown that wasn’t a like a patty from McDonalds)

Wait Till He’s Gone

, , , , | Right | July 19, 2018

(I am working customer service at a smaller grocery store. A middle-aged man approaches the desk and slams his receipt on the counter. Note that till number two has always printed the receipts somewhat lighter in colour than the rest of the tills.)

Customer: “I have been to till two for the past two weeks straight, and the ink is always too light on the receipt! I need my receipts for business and they always fade in less than a week!”

Me: “All right, I can pass that message along to my manager.”

Customer: “No, I already asked someone, and it’s been two weeks and nothing is done! Your manager makes millions of dollars a month; he can afford to come down here and fix it himself! Like, b****, get your a** down here and fix it!”

Me: “…”

Customer: *continues yelling and complaining*

Me: “I will pass it on to my manager.”

Customer: “I expect it to be fixed when I come back.” *crumples receipt and stuffs it in his pocket*

(No wonder his receipts fade. Also, he could have just gone to another till…)

Purveyors Of The Night Market

, , , , , , | Legal | July 9, 2018

(I am the night audit supervisor on a quiet night at a four-and-a-half star hotel when I get a call from one of the guests, a pilot with the British Royal Air Force.)

Me: “Good evening, front desk. How may I help you?”

Pilot: “Yeah, I want this girl out of my room.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir? Did someone get into your room?”

Pilot: “She’s in the bathroom; I want her out.”

Me: “Is this woman a guest of yours?”

Pilot: “Well… Yeah, but she won’t come out!”

Me: *rolling my eyes, guessing what type of “woman” is in his bathroom* “Okay, sir, I can ask security to come by and help you to convince her to come out.”

Pilot: “Yeah, okay… but what about my money?”

(I hesitate, as my first instinct is that the guest is asking us to refund his room for the inconvenience, but he cuts me off before I can say a word.)

Pilot: “She’s got my money.”

Me: “The woman in the bathroom, sir?

Pilot: “Yeah, I want my money back.”

(I am smirking silently to myself for having confirmation of the type of “woman” who is in his bathroom. I have a bit of a discussion, back and forth, with the guest, explaining that while security might help convince the woman to come out of the bathroom and leave, he cannot force her to return the money. The pilot then decides to call the police and hangs up. I shake my head to myself, fully knowing what the cops will do. After a while, two police officers get to the hotel and I escort them to the pilot’s room. The female officer walks in very slowly, comes around the corner from the entrance, and sees the woman — who has come out of the bathroom in the meantime — in the corner of the room. She smiles, points to the woman and joyfully shouts out:)

Policewoman: “CINDY!”

(The pilot’s jaw must have been going at Mach-3 as it dropped to the floor from realizing that the cops, of course, would not force a prostitute to return money she got in an illegal transaction with a mark.)

In This Hotel, I Am The Law

, , , , | Legal | June 25, 2018

(I’ve worked in hotels for over two decades now and this is my favorite response to give out, to those guests who for whatever reason get to the point when they blurt out a line to the effect of:)

Irate Guest: “…this is unacceptable! I have a high-price lawyer, you know! And I will sue you, your boss, and your hotel!”

Me: *killing them with kindness* “Please do, sir! [Hotel Chain] has three entire floors of a high rise building in Washington, filled with lawyers who have very little to do but wait for a case to fall on their desk. I’m sure yours will start a real feeding frenzy amongst those piranhas!”

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