Time To Hippity Hoppity Out Of There

, , | Working | December 13, 2017

(After tiredly slumping into a booth in the employee lunchroom, I end up accidentally eavesdropping on a group of exhausted workers in the booth behind me. One of them has decided to cheer himself up with the first thing he can think of, rhyming random phrases.)

Employee: “Bippity Boppity, women are property!” *his eyes bulge as he realizes what he has just said*

Female Coworker: *trying to hold back her laughter* “Generally, I say the opposite when trying to cheer myself up!”

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That Line Trumps All Others

, , , , , , | Learning | November 23, 2017

(I’m in my college’s cafeteria and am listening to some conversations going around me as a project for one of my writing classes. I need to hear a few lines of conversation and then fill it in with the rest of the story. I wish I had heard more from this conversation so I could use this, but all I got was this single line:)

Student: “…and it was like Kim Jong-un with giant baby hands!”

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Pop Goes Your Intention

, , , , , , , | Learning | September 16, 2017

(A student walks into the cafeteria. This student’s family owns numerous local pizza restaurants.)

Student: *to cafeteria worker* “I brought this pastry from home. Can you toast it in your toaster?”

Cafeteria Worker: “If I bring a frozen pizza from home into your uncle’s restaurant and ask him to heat it up in the oven, will he do that for me?”

Student: “Well, no.”

Cafeteria Worker: “Then I guess you’re out of luck.”

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This Oven Lives On Bread Alone

, | Learning | July 4, 2017

(I work at a college dining hall with a lot of self-serve areas. One such is the toaster for bread items. The toaster oven is on a rotating grill that flips the bread over when it gets to the end. I go over and see a student put in something that doesn’t look like bread.)

Me: “Excuse me, that doesn’t look like bread you just put in the toaster oven. What is it, please?”

Student: “Oh, no, it isn’t. It’s a hamburger!”

Me: “Really now? Why did you put a hamburger in the toaster oven?”

Student: “It was all wet so I wanted to dry it out! Great idea, right?”

Me: “Well, the burger is covered in grease and what does grease do when it’s introduced to intense heat?”

Student: “The grease melts? Duh!”

Me: “Yes, that does happen, but it also catches FIRE!”

(As I say this it little sparks of flames pop out of the oven.)

Student: “Oh, s***!” *tries to turn it off*

Me: “Yes, turn it off so it stays in a red hot oven and catches fire even more.”

Student: “Well, you should have told me not to do that or posted a sign saying not to do that!”

Me: *as I point to the very big sign saying ‘bread only’* “You mean that sign not a foot away from your face?”

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Getting Away With Fraud Is Murder

| Learning | May 8, 2017

(I just got my food and I’m going to sit down at my table, where our crazy history teacher, who is also a lawyer, is sitting. I overhear the end of this conversation before he leaves.)

History Teacher: “Long story short, if you have the choice between murder and counterfeit, it’s probably best to find someone you don’t like.” *slinks away*

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