Life Is Stranger Than Fiction-Writers

, , , , | Friendly | March 16, 2018

(I’m at a retreat, in the cafeteria, eating lunch at a table with a dozen people I’ve only met today. Eventually, our conversation comes around to me, and they ask me where I’m from and what I do for a living. I explain I’m in college, majoring in creative writing with a fiction concentration, and that I’m from [City #1] but living in [City #2] for school. A few people at the table want to know what living in either place is like, so a lot of their questions revolve around that. When it’s time to go to our afternoon lecture, our group breaks up. I’m on the way out the door when I pass someone who was at my table.)

Group Member: “Where are you from, exactly?”

Me: *surprised to be asked, especially after talking to him about it for at least five minutes* “[City #1], although I’m living in [City #2] for school.”

Group Member: “Wait… You weren’t just saying that? I thought you made that up.”

Me: “What? No. Why would you think that?”

Group Member: “Well, you’re a fiction writer.”

Me: “…”


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What Happens When You’re Spoon-Fed Religion

, , , , , | Right | March 15, 2018

(I work at a canteen inside an office building. I have served a woman who has gone to pick up the cutlery for her meal. She returns with a fork in hand.)

Woman: “This is a fork. I want a spoon.”

Me: “Spoons are right next to the forks.” *points at the table she was just stood at*

Woman: “But I want this to be a spoon.” *grabs my arm tightly* “Let’s pray.”

(She closes her eyes and starts muttering. I think it’s Hebrew, but as I have never been religious, I’m not 100% certain. She opens her eyes and glares at the fork in defeat before shouting at me:)

Woman: “YOU DIDN’T PRAY HARD ENOUGH!” *throws fork at me and leaves*

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It’s Either Too Early Or Too Latte

, , , | Right | March 12, 2018

(I’m working a weekend shift at the hospital. It’s early and I need a coffee, but I’m pregnant so I opt for decaf.)

Me: “Can I have a small decaf?”

Barista: “Cappuccino? Latte?”

Me: “Latte.”

(Pause.)

Me: “Wait! No! Flat white! Flat white, sorry. Flat white. Sorry.”

Barista: “Are you sure you want decaf?”

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Job Hunters Know Good And Bad Prey

, , , , | Working | February 1, 2018

(I’m living at home for a summer before I head to university, in need of summer employment. I apply for a job in a kitchen and manage to score an interview. Over the phone, they tell me they are impressed with my qualifications and are looking to fill the position straight away. The job is for a pretty basic canteen inside an office building. The manager who shows me around seems friendly enough but has a big air of self-importance to her. At the end of the interview, comprised mainly of her talking with few questions, the manager turns to me with a serious look.)

Manager: “Now, I have a big question to ask you.”

Me: “Okay.”

Manager: “Would you be willing to wait one month for us to make a decision?”

Me: “Err… I’m sorry. Over the phone you said you wanted this position filled immediately.”

Manager: “Well, this is a very important decision for our company; we need to make sure we have the right person for the job!”

(I hold back my laughter; this is a very small and not particularly impressive canteen. It’s hardly rocket science.)

Me: “Then, why say you were looking to fill it right away?”

(The manager then puts on what is clearly her most dashing smile.)

Manager: “So, are you prepared to wait? I think you have a lot to offer us, and I think you have the right attitude for this job.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. I need a job to start saving for university, and I really cannot wait around for you guys to maybe hire me. During this time, I will be looking for work and if anything comes up then I’m going to take it. Sorry, but I need to get working.”

(Almost instantly her demeanour changes and she becomes icy and unfriendly.)

Manager: *abruptly* “Well, then, thanks for coming in. You know the way out, right?”

(Quickly she turned on her heel and walked away. Luckily I got a job a week or so later and promptly forgot all about them. Finally, TWO MONTHS LATER, I got a voicemail on my parents’ home number stating I hadn’t got the job due to my “lack of qualifications.” That made me giggle because I’m qualified to work in hospitality and this was the complete reverse of what they told me. It made me wonder how organised they actually were and who was desperate enough to wait around for them?)

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Not A Very A-Peeling Attitude

, , , , , | Friendly | January 31, 2018

(My group of college friends has one fellow who is from a wealthy family in Panama. One day in the cafeteria he gets an orange with his lunch. When it comes time to eat it, he can’t figure out how to get it open. Baffled, we ask:)

Me: “Have you ever peeled one before?”

Friend: “No! That’s women’s work!”

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