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Dealing With Racists Can Be Ownerous

| Right | May 21, 2013

(I am eating dinner at a cafeteria. I see a waitress being incessantly berated by an elderly woman.)

Waitress: “May I help you to your table, ma’am?”

Customer: “Just listen to that redneck accent!”

Waitress: “I grew up in Texas, Ma’am. Many of us—”

Customer: “It’s still WHITE TRASH TALK!”

(The waitress keeps her composure, and helps the elderly woman to her table. The customer starts talking to her grown-up children at the table.)

Customer: “She is a no-class nothing! White trash! That’s all she is!”

(The waitress finally takes a deep breath, and walks up to the elderly woman’s table.)

Waitress: “You’re calling me white trash. Do you know that I own this franchise?”

(The elderly woman’s eyes narrow at her, as though trying to figure out if she is lying or not.)

Waitress: “If you’ll look at that plaque, that’s mine. It says I own this franchise. And, ma’am, you need not come back here again.”

What You See Is What You Frat

, | Learning | April 30, 2013

(I’m in the cafeteria, eating lunch with my fraternity. I am completely, 100% blind, and my fraternity and I often joke about it in good fun.)

Fraternity Brother: “You should totally put on my glasses so we can see how they look on you.”

Me: “Sure.”

(My fraternity brother hands me his glasses and I put them on.)

Me: “Oh my goodness! I can SEE!”

Several Fraternity Brothers: *excitedly* “Seriously!?”

Me: “No. Just kidding!”

(The entire table erupts in laughter.)

Putting The Egg In V-egg-ie

, | Learning | April 26, 2013

(The dining hall where I work encourages vegetarian students to let staff know they’re vegetarian so that we can switch utensils when preparing food. I’m working the omelette bar.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you to—”

Student: “Change your utensils.”

Me: “Oh, are you a vegetarian?”

(I turn to grab the pan and spatula reserved for vegetarians.)

Student: “I’m not a vegetarian! I’m a vegan! Where are your vegan utensils?”

Me: “Uh, ma’am, this an omelette bar. We don’t have vegan utensils.”

Student: “WHAT!? Why don’t you have vegan utensils?”

Me: “Like I said, this is the omelette bar. Sometimes we’ll saute vegetables from the salad bar, but we don’t have any pans that haven’t touched eggs.”

Student: “That’s ridiculous! I want an omelette! How am I going to eat an omelette if you don’t have vegan utensils?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t even have egg substitute. We only use real eggs. I can’t make you a vegan omelette.”

Student: “Well what’s that?” *points at egg whites*

Me: “Those are the egg whites.”

Student: “Well those are vegan! Egg whites are vegan!”

Me: “No, they’re not. They’re still an animal product.”

Student: “Shut up! I’m a nutrition major! I know what vegan is! I demand to see your manager!”

(Suddenly, my co-worker, who is on break, walks by on his way to the drink machine.)

Me: “[Coworker’s name], can you get a manager over here?”

Co-Worker: “Sure. I’ll go find someone.” *walks off*

Student: “Stupid burger flipper! Make me a vegan omelette! I’m a nutrition major! I know vegan!”

(This rant continues in the same vein until my co-worker returns — without a manager.)

Co-Worker: “Sorry, [my name]. They’re in a meeting. You need me to stay, or can I finish my break?”

Me: “Uh, do you know how to make a vegan omelette?”

Co-Worker: *laughs* “Seriously, did someone just ask you for that?”

Student: “Yeah! I did! Tell her to make me a vegan omelette! I’m a nutrition major! I know that vegan means healthy!”

Co-Worker: *looks the girl up and down* “Look, that’s not possible. We don’t have any egg substitute. We only have eggs. Now you can let [my name] make you an omelette using the vegetarian utensils, or you can go to the salad bar. I’m going back to break. They don’t pay us enough to deal with this crap.”

Student: “Ugh! I can’t believe you’re being so rude. I’m never eating here again!”

Me: “Well if you’re not on the meal plan, maybe you can get a refund?”

Student: “I’m on the meal plan!”

Me: “You purchased the meal plan, but you’re never eating here again?”

Student: “Yeah!”

Me: “That would mean you’ll lose money, though, if you bought the meal plan and you never use it.”

Student: “Oh, just make me a f****** omelette. Egg whites, peppers, spinach, tomato, and extra cheese.”

Me: “Um, it’s not vegan cheese.”

Student: “F*** you. Just put cheese on it.”

Granny Get Your (Grandson’s) Guns

, | Learning | April 5, 2013

(In my high school’s cafeteria, there are two cash registers where you pay for your food. One is run by a middle-aged man, and the other by an elderly woman. The following takes place in the elderly woman’s cash line as she is giving Customer #1 his change.)

Customer #1: “God, can you be any slower? We only got twenty minutes to eat, lady!”

(The elderly woman continues to count out the change, ignoring him.)

Customer #1: “Come ON! I mean, why haven’t they fired you yet?! You’re way too old and slow to be even working!”

(At this point, the rest of us in line, as well as the man running the second register and a couple of teachers, have had about enough. The guy in front of me, who happens to be this woman’s grandson and the captain of the wrestling team, taps Customer #1 on the shoulder.)

Customer #2: “What’s that you’re saying about my granny, punk?”

(Customer #1 goes ghost-white when he sees the muscle-bound kid behind him.)

Customer #1: “Uh, I—”

Customer #2: “She has been nothing but sweet to you this whole time. You have absolutely no right to speak to her that way.” *raises fist* “Apologize. Now.”

Customer #1: “I’m sorry, lady! I’m sorry!”

Customer #2: *fist still raised* “Now take your food and your change and don’t even think about insulting my granny again. Got that?”

(Customer #1 grabs his things and runs to a table, where the vice principal is waiting to take him for a little walk. As he and Customer #1 walk out of the cafeteria the rest of the student body explodes into cheers for Customer #2, who exchanges a quick hug with his granny and goes to sit down. Even champion wrestlers love their grannies!)