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Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire And Ice

| Friendly | March 25, 2015

Me: “No Game of Thrones spoilers, please! I haven’t watched it yet.”

Friend: “Someone dies.”

Me: *not listening* “All I know about it is that everyone dies, so that’s not even a spoiler.”

Friend: “Dumbledore dies.”

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BLT, Better Luck Tomorrow, Part 3

, | Working | December 4, 2014

(There’s a cafeteria located on our college campus. Most of the employees, but not all, tend to be enrolled in the culinary school.)

Employee: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

Me: “I think I’ll have a BLT on sourdough, please.”

(The employee gets a baffled look and turns to whisper something to the manager.)

Manager: “Really?! It’s bacon, lettuce, tomato!”


Cherry-Picked That Line

, | Friendly | December 2, 2014

(My friend and I decide to go for ice cream after class one day. We get our sundaes and come back to eat in the cafeteria with friends. Neither of us like cherries and didn’t think to ask for our ice cream without, since we’re both use to eating with others who do like them. After finishing, we sit there with two cherries in between us, when I get an idea. I stand up and hold out the cherries by the stems.)

Me: *practically shouting* “Does anyone want my and [Friend #1]’s cherries?”

(The room goes silent and my friend sits there giggling as at least 10 people are staring at me. I’m well aware that I’ve completely set myself up and just decide to keep going with it. Friend #2 is a girl, and Friend #1 and I often make joking sexual overtures with each other.)

Me: “No one? They have whipped cream on them!”

Friend #2: “Ooh, do I get to pop them?”

Me: *shrugs* “Well, one already has a hole in it, but sure!”

A History Of Petty Crime

| Right | November 17, 2014

(I am working at the register at the time. Our clients often come after they have visited the Museum’s permanent exposition, taking a bite to eat.)

Me: “Hello, sir! Did you enjoy your visit of the exposition?”

Customer: “Incredible! This is my first time here and I just can’t believe how magnificent those antique items are!”

Me: “Yes, I have gone back to the rooms many times myself. They truly are worth seeing.”

Customer: “I really liked the [Important Historical Figure] room. My ancestors served under him, you know?”

Me: “Glad you liked the visit, sir! Your lunch will come at [price].”

Customer: “Sure, give me a minute…”

(After he pays, as he puts money back into his wallet, I notice a familiar object from his belongings.)

Me: “Sir… is this [personal object from Important Historical Figure]?”

Customer: “Oh, yes! I wanted to show it to my mother! Her legs tire so much she had to stay here.”

Me: “You’re aware that’s completely illegal and may get you arrested? You need to go give it back right now.”

Customer: “Don’t worry. It’s part of my heritage! I’ll give it back after dinner!”

(I pressed the emergency button and watched him argue that it was ‘’No big deal’ and his ‘heritage’ with about five security guards. It took the cops to convince him.)

Thinks He’s Getting Chicken Feed

| Learning | October 24, 2014

(I’m a freshman at a private college, working in the school cafeteria as a server to help pay for tuition. Tonight has been really busy and since they are short staffed, I amasked to come in and work. Note: The chicken and pot pies run out the fastest.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, I’d like potatoes and two pieces of chicken.”

Me: “Sorry, we’ve been running out of the chicken pretty quickly and it takes the longest to cook. I’m afraid I can only give you one.” *gives him a large piece*

Customer #1: “Look, I just got out of football practice and I need more food!”

Me: *gesturing to line going out the door on my side* “Look behind you. Most of those people are going to want the same exact thing. If we give everyone a lot then we’d run out faster and hold up the line even more.”

Customer #1: “Just give me another one!”

Coworker: “Sir, we’re not giving you another one. Take your food and leave, please.”

Customer #1: “FINE!” *storms out of room*

Customer #2: “Man, what a jerk. Uh, so I know you told him that you can only give out one, but he had received a very large piece. May I have two since the others are very small?”

Coworker: “You’re right; these are very small. Okay, you can have two small ones.”

Customer #2: “Thank you very much, ladies. Have a good night! Let me know if he comes back, I can deal with him.”

(Surprisingly, Customer #1 never returned. We do allow seconds, but he didn’t even come back for that. Maybe he realized that he was being rude. Who knows?)