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Making An Asphalt Out Of Yourself

, | Learning | January 26, 2017

(I am a fellow customer, waiting in line behind two guys, when I overhear this conversation:)

Guy #1: “Dude, you got your ID?”

(He is referring to a student ID, which is used to get “swiped” into the dining halls for those who have a meal plan.)

Guy #2: *reaches into pocket* “Aw, no, man… This is not my ID.”

[As he is saying this, he reaches into his pocket, and I kid you not, pulls out a palm-sized chunk of asphalt.]

Guy #2: “All I got is this piece of asphalt…”

Guy #1: “Yo, you gotta call Mikey. Mikey’s got the swipes!”

Guy #2: “Yo, MIKEY!”

(For the record, Mikey did indeed give them “the swipes.” None of them even seemed phased that Guy #2 had mistaken a chunk of asphalt for his student ID. College.)

It’s Payback Time

, | Right | January 19, 2017

(I am working part-time as a cashier in a cafeteria in a large college campus where I am a student. A young man accompanied by a girl approaches my counter. The man starts to order.)

Customer: “Listen, I will pay you later. You can trust me.”

Me: “Sorry, I need payment first before we can serve you the items you ordered.”

Customer: “You can trust me. Everyone on this campus knows me.”

Me: “I still need payment first as I have never met you before and don’t know you. My till cannot come up short. So if I let you have these items without you paying for it then I will have to pay for it out of my pocket. Since you are well known on campus as you said, perhaps you can find someone here in the cafeteria who will let you borrow some money.”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand. You can easily find me in the campus. I will be either in my room in the [Dorm] which is very close by, or in the [Department]. You can ask anyone in the campus.”

Me: “Sorry, but you seem to be suggesting that I just give you the items you ordered now and then I run about the campus to collect payment from you later in your dorm or your department. Obviously I cannot do that. As your dorm is close by, can’t you just get some money from your room?”

(The customer just glared at me for a few seconds, let loose a string of expletives, and stormed out with the girl following behind. If he was trying to impress the girl about how important he was, he went about doing that in a very stupid way. He cannot expect a random person to pay for his date!)

A Tray Slay

| Working | November 28, 2016

Me: “Just this, thanks.”

Cashier: “No tray, no service.”

Me: “But I only want this…”

Cashier: “No tray, no service.”

Me: “I heard you the first time, but—”

Cashier: “NO TRAY, NO SERVICE!”

Me: “FINE!”

(I grab a tray and slam a single apple onto it.)

Me: “JUST THIS, THANKS!”

Cashier: *red faced* “50p, please.”

(Hands over 50p coin and puts tray back.)

Me: “Thank you.”

Don’t Count Your Chickens

| Right | October 4, 2016

(Every summer, a group of young Italian students come over to study English, and they eat dinner everyday at our canteen.)

Girl: “Pasta.”

Me: “Which one? I have chicken and plain pasta?”

Girl: “This.” *points at the chicken pasta* “No chicken.”

Me: “You can have the plain pasta, then?” *points at the plain pasta*

Girl: “No, this. No chicken.”

(Guess who had to pick all the little pieces of chicken out from the chicken pasta?)

Stopped By Your Question

, | Learning | August 8, 2016

(I work at a dining hall on a college campus. We close for an hour so everyone can have a union mandated half-hour break, and so we can clean up and set up dinner. Sometimes students think the rules don’t apply to them. I’m a fairly big guy but actually a giant teddy bear, and my coworkers that work at the cash register are older ladies. A student tries walking right by my older coworker fifteen minutes after we closed.)

Older Coworker: “Excuse me, honey, we’re closed. We open back up in 45 minutes. You can come back then.”

Student: “Come on; I’m hungry. Just let me in.”

Older Coworker: “I’m sorry, honey, but all the lunch food is put away. There’s nothing out to give you and everyone is on their break.”

Student: “Who’s going to stop me if I just walk in?”

Older Coworker: *turns around and points at me and says* “That guy right there will stop you.”

(Having watched her point at me, I smiled and waved at them both. The student looked at me, his face fell, and he did an about face and left. My coworker came over and started cracking up and explained.)