(I just got my food and I’m going to sit down at my table, where our crazy history teacher, who is also a lawyer, is sitting. I overhear the end of this conversation before he leaves.)
History Teacher: “Long story short, if you have the choice between murder and counterfeit, it’s probably best to find someone you don’t like.” *slinks away*
Friend: *picking up a spoon from the cutlery table* “Fork.”
Me: “That’s a spoon.”
Friend: “Fork?”
Me: “Spoon…”
Friend: “I wanted a fork.”
Me: “Well, that’s a spoon.”
(He stared at the spoon for a long time before taking it with him. At the time I remember humorously asking myself how he was supposed to eat his soup with a fork, but we later realised that this was the first sign of his delusions manifesting. After he was in remission I asked him what he thought that day. He just laughed and said he thought he could change the properties of things by describing them as something else. To this day he is still one of my closest friends, but he’s started showing signs of relapse. I showed him these websites once (NAR, etc.), and he goes on them regularly. It keeps him grounded reading how ridiculously people can act, saying some of his delusions seem sane by comparison.)
My school has a cafeteria with high ceilings and windows with ledges about 30 feet up the wall. My classmates have been adamantly practicing the bottle flipping that has been going around the Internet, but as the class clown I know I can’t be outdone by some freshman with a sports drink bottle.
The cafeteria sells special juice bottles that I decide will be perfect for my stunt. I buy one, empty it to about right for bottle flipping, and stand near a wall. Keep in mind I haven’t told anyone what I’m going to do, but soon a couple people see me and the entire cafeteria quickly silences.
I can see the administrator giving me the stink eye, but I don’t let that stop me. I toss the bottle up and by some stroke of luck it lands perfectly on the ledge and the whole room fills with cheers.
I got detention for a lunchroom violation, but each day another food item appeared on the ledge. First there was applesauce, then a box of milk, another water bottle, and finally a sandwich, before the school finally posted an SRO near the ledge to watch for people like me.
(As some of the cafeteria ‘stations’ close earlier than others, my coworker is starting to pack up the extra food for the night. As she is doing this, a student approaches her.)
Coworker: “I’m sorry, we’re closed.”
Student: *points at the food she’s packing away* “Food.”
Coworker: “Um…”
Student: “There’s still food.”
Coworker: “Closed. We’re still closed.”
(The student let out an exasperated sigh and walked away. What, did they think the food just magically vanished the instant that the station closed or something?)
Me: “Bacon and scrambled eggs, please.”
Employee: “Just bacon and scrambled eggs?”
Me: “Yeah, that’s all.”
Employee: “You can come back any time.”
(Which made me think that he had, in his head, told a number of customers to go to Hell this morning.)
