H2-Slow, Part 19

, , , , | Friendly | August 27, 2018

(I am chatting with friends when I notice the “best before” date on my friend’s bottle of water.)

Me: “Oh, look at that; you’re lucky to get millions-of-years-old water right before it goes out of date.”

(The man next to us bursts out laughing.)

Friend: “Huh? I only bought it today, so of course it’s in date.”

(The man laughs louder.)

Friend: *turns to man* “What’s so funny?”

Man: “Did you not hear what she said? She was talking about the age of the water… Oh, just forget it. It’s no longer funny if I have to explain it.” *shoots me a grin*

Related:
H2-Slow, Part 18
H2-Slow, Part 17
H2-Slow, Part 16

Getting Ahead Of This Slip

, , , | Right | August 17, 2018

(For work experience, I spend a week as a barista at a small cafe. About three days in, this happens:)

Regular Customer: “Hey! Who’s this, then?” *referring to me*

Supervisor: “This is [My Name]! He’s with us for the week. I’ll leave you to it. Trust me; he makes great coffee.”

(I try not to gush, and ask the customer — a fairly burly man — what he’d like.)

Regular Customer: “I’ll have a single shot of espresso.”

Me: “Just a single shot? You’re the first to order that, actually.”

Regular Customer: “Well, I’m actually Italian! Most of my family just has espresso shots, sometimes double. Not a fan of the milk ones.”

(I carry on making the espresso shot, easily the simplest task I’ve had all week. The crema — also called the head; the brown layer on top of the coffee — is absolutely perfect, and I hand it to the customer.)

Regular Customer: “Wow, you do great head!”

Me: “…”

Regular Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Regular Customer: “You, er, know what I mean.”

Manners Maketh Them Mad

, , , , | Friendly | August 10, 2018

(I have been a part of my school’s annual musical for a number of years now. We rehearse at the theatre we own, which is attached to a private cafe that has a great relationship with our school, considering we provide most of their business. During late rehearsals we pre-order dinner from this cafe, and then collect it on our break from the pickup counter — a separate place from where orders are placed. Tonight when I arrive there is a long line up of other people at the register and a number of my friends hanging out in a group by the pickup counter. One woman with some young kids is also waiting by the pickup counter, and we assume she is waiting for them to call out her number, as she has probably just ordered. We tell a cashier our names and they bring us our orders. As I am saying my name, the woman speaks up.)

Woman: *angrily* “Hmm, I thought that we were at the front of the line, but I guess I must have thought wrong.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but the line to order is over there.”

(I point to what is obviously a line to order.)

Woman: *cutting me off* “Nope, I don’t care. I just thought kids had better manners than this. I’m going.”

(She grabs her kids and drags them towards the door. I cannot resist the urge to say something.)

Me: *overly positive* “Have a nice day!”

(I found it funny that she was complaining about manners when hers were absolutely atrocious!)

A Drink Order To Leave You Shaken

, , , , | Right | August 2, 2018

(I work at a popular cafe in the mall. We were across the hall from a theatre showing a newly-released summer blockbuster, on Mother’s Day weekend, during a half-off promotion, so we’re quite busy. We’re making good time despite being understaffed. The wait for the line-up to getting drinks is easily twenty minutes, and the customer has waited the entire time. I am the only person making drinks.)

Me: *passes out her first drink* “Shaken tea lemonade for [Customer #1]!” *rinses out shaker and starts to prepare customer’s second, identical drink*

Customer #1: “That’s me.” *grabs drink*

(I begin to quickly prepare the next drink.)

Customer #2: “I really like your tattoo!”

Me: *smiling, still preparing drinks at top speed* “Thank you!”

Customer #1: “Excuse me! We have a show to get to! Please hurry up and do your job and stop wasting time!”

Me: *handing out finished drink* “Shaken tea lemonade for [Customer #1].”

Customer #1: *grabs drink, storms out*

Customer #2: “Geez, high-pressure job.”

(Here’s a thought: if you’re in such a hurry to get to your show, don’t get in the clearly very long line at the last minute and then take it out on the person busting their butt to keep up.)

A Nice Dungeon Wedding

, , , , , | Friendly | July 22, 2018

(The cafe I work at has a group of regulars who play Dungeons & Dragons at a corner table in the weekend. It’s generally funny to listen in on the game when it’s quiet.)

Dungeon Master: “The thugs attack you. Congratulations; it’s a bar fight. Initiative, please.”

Girl Playing Wizard: “I will hide under the table and plug my fingers into my ears.”

(The rest of the players give her this slightly amused look.)

Girl Playing Wizard: “My character is a bookworm and a coward. Deal with it.”

(Every time she routinely hides during combat — in a wardrobe or a bush, polymorphing into a tree or turning invisible and stomping her feet in place to simulate running away — the group loves it. Later on in the campaign:)

Dungeon Master: *sighs heavily* “The innkeeper’s daughter, charmed and fascinated by your stories, is now in love with you.”

Guy Playing Bard: “Nice!”

Dungeon Master: “She’s sixteen. Her father calls the town guard.”

Guy Playing Bard: “Wait… Oh… What?”

(Cue a twenty-minute discussion about whether the age of consent applies in a largely medieval fantasy setting, before putting it up to vote with us and the patrons listening in. The bard is sent to jail with all votes — jokingly — against him. The adventure moves to breaking the bard out of jail.)

Dungeon Master: “The cell door is locked.”

Girl Playing Rogue: “I try to pick the lock.” *fails*

Girl Playing Wizard: “I think I have a spell for–”

Guy Playing Fighter: “I stuff my stick of dynamite in the lock to blow it open.”

(Total table silence.)

Guy Playing Fighter: “Hey, if it works!”

(Much later in the campaign:)

Girl Playing Wizard: “I cast…. uh… Charm Person on the warlord?”

Dungeon Master: “He throws his axe down and grasps your hand, proposing to you on the spot.”

Girl Playing Wizard: “I try to politely reject him!”

Dungeon Master: “He’s charmed by you, and his behavior hasn’t changed. He grapples you…” *rolls dice* “…and carries you off. That ends today’s session; we’ll pick up next week for the wedding.”

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