My dad is old, Chinese, and an amateur photography fanatic. He uses either somewhat outdated or formal English for a lot of things, and at home, we speak in a mix of mostly Chinese and a little English for words I’m unfamiliar with or words he’s too lazy to use Chinese for.

My dad and I were visiting a museum, and we were sitting in the museum cafe. Somehow, the conversation led to him dropping this particular gem.

Dad: *In Chinese* “We’re here at the museum for one thing only, and that’s—” *in English* “—shooting.”

He paused for a moment; it felt horribly long but was only around two seconds.

Dad: *In English* “… photos.”

I facepalmed and started laughing nervously; a few people had looked our way.

Me: *In Chinese* “Dad, please, in the future, just say—” *in English* “—‘taking photos’—” *back to Chinese* “—or don’t pause in the middle! That sounds horrible.”

No, he wasn’t making a “joke”, and no, his addition wasn’t him realizing how awkward it sounded. He truly just happened to take a pause between the two words.

I work in the kitchen in a tiny cafe that is open every day except for Christmas. Because of some repair work that has to be done in the backrooms, which will shut off electricity and gas to the kitchen but would keep the cafe itself running, the owner decides to actually close for the day of the repair.

I think that’d be the perfect day to do a deep clean of the kitchen and maybe some prep work that doesn’t need the oven or stove, so I have a talk with the owner and she agrees to give me the keys to the cafe and let me get to work. However, two days before, she asks to talk to me.

Owner: “I have a very strange request, and I understand if you say no, but… you know how to use the coffee machine, too, right?”

Me: “Yes, I worked as a barista before.”

Owner: “And you know how to use the register, as well.”

Me: “Where is this going? Do you need me to be a server for a day or something?”

Owner: “Well, you see, we shut down online reservations for the day we are closed, but not soon enough. This senior couple managed to get a reservation via a phone call when I wasn’t in, and I literally could not find any way to contact them to tell them we’re closed.”

This senior couple are regulars who we all love and know.

Owner: “So… they are going to show up when only you are in the building. You can simply send them away, of course, but I was wondering…”

Me: “If they don’t mind sitting in an empty cafe and getting only coffee and cakes, I’ll treat them.”

The old regulars did show up bright and early at 9:00 am — as friendly as we know them, and slightly confused at the empty cafe — and I let them know the details.

The idea that I was willing to serve them was so surprising to them that they actually took me up on the offer. In the end, they had four slices of cake shared between them and two specialty coffees, and they happily chatted with me the whole time. We joked about how they got the best service in the house from the “head chef”. They left a huge tip, and the next time they came in, they actually brought me a little bouquet of flowers as thanks!

I work in a small bookstore’s café.

Customer: “Y’all got any steak?”

Me: “Uh, we have coffee and pastries, sir.”

Customer: “I didn’t ask if you had coffee and pastries. I asked if you had steak.”

Me: “We do not.”

Customer: “But you serve food! All good food places need steak!”

Me: “We’re a café in a bookstore, sir. We only sell a limited range of items.”

He looks around as if noticing he’s in a bookstore for the first time.

Customer: “No wonder y’all don’t serve steak! You’re all a bunch of book-readin’ liberals!” *Marches out*

The board game café and pub I used to work at taught me many things, and one of those was to never mix business with pleasure without some strong guarantees.

The place’s owner had only me, his sister, and two close friends on call, with various flaky part-timers going through revolving doors for various reasons. Somehow, despite being placed fairly in the way of nightlife, and advertised in English, too, this was more than enough.

Then, one day, [Owner]’s sister found herself a girlfriend. Said girlfriend was at first merely invited to hang out at the cafè, but soon enough, she had started to invite friends over… and let them eat and drink for free.

The tales of [Sister]’s generosity soon spread to the extended friend circles, increasing the number of people occupying tables and eating or drinking for free little by little.

Things came to a head when, one Saturday night, the number of [Sister]’s friends and “acquaintances” was enough to occupy all but two seats, and the overall bill, by all accounts, should have been around 1,100€, instead of 0€. This was made worse by the fact that the people got hostile with patrons who did intend to pay to stay there and that [Sister] had forced me and a poor b*****d expecting an easy job to rush around to all the tables while being treated like dirt for not conjuring food out of our behinds.

The next week, the owner saw the expense ledger and demanded an explanation. Let’s just say it’s lucky he didn’t try to bite his sister’s head off.

As soon as [Sister] told her girlfriend that she was going to charge her for food and drink, she got ghosted.

I work in a bubble tea café. In walks a small group of people, with one female customer who is studying our menu thoroughly. I notice she is talking to another member of the group about some of our premium choices, three of which are currently unavailable and have big signs over their pictures saying “sold out”.

Everyone but her orders, and she finally seems to make a decision.

Customer: “Hi. Can I have the [sold-out premium drink]?”

Me: “Unfortunately, that one is sold out, as indicated.”

Customer: “Oh. What about [different sold-out premium drink]?”

Me: “That one is also sold out, sorry.”

Customer: “Hmm. Okay, then I’ll have a classic milk tea, instead.”

Me: “Great! With tapioca topping?”

Customer: “Yes, please. Oh, wait, does the classic milk tea have milk?”

Me: “Uh. Yes, the classic milk tea is with milk.”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. That’s fine.”

I make the drink and hand it to her. She comes back a few minutes later.

Customer: “Excuse me. What toppings did you put in?”

Me: “Tapioca? The ones you agreed to?”

Customer: “Oh, okay. They’re weird.” 

With that, she walked out. I turned to my coworker and asked if we both heard all of this; she was equally as confused as me.