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Your Whipped Got Whupped

| Canada | Rude & Risque

(I’m working the drive-thru at a popular coffee shop when this happens. It’s been a long day and my brain-to-mouth filter is essentially shot.)

Customer: “…and a non-fat pumpkin spice latte.”

Me: “Would you like whip on that, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah. Whip me. Everyone needs a good whipping sometimes.”

Me: *without pause* “Only if you buy me dinner first, sir.”

Customer: *crickets chirping in his car*

Me: “Your total is [total] at the window.”

(At the window, the guy was bright red and couldn’t look at me. Meanwhile, the woman in the passenger seat leaned over, still laughing, to say “I needed that laugh. and thank you. He hasn’t been this quiet since before we got married!” He never spoke a word the whole time.)

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Also Not Eating Toes So Hold The Tomatoes

| Brooklyn, NY, USA | Food & Drink

Customer: “I WANT the breakfast burrito but I’m watching my sodium intake.”

Me: “Well, you can leave off the sausage and bacon and just do the eggs, a low-salt cheese like the low sodium mozzarella, and the fixings — salsa, jalapenos, lettuce, tomatoes.”

Customer: “No, I’m watching my sodium intake, so no salsa. And it’s no good without the salsa.”

Me: “Our salsa IS low-sodium. See?” *I hold up the container*

Customer: “That’s not possible; it’s salsa. It’s, like, mostly salt.”

Me: “Well, this isn’t? This is mostly just the tomatoes and spices and peppers.”

Customer: “No, salsa without salt isn’t possible. That’s why it’s called SALTsa.”

(I laugh, thinking she’s joking but she stares at me.)

Customer: “No, really, that’s why they named it that.”

Me: “Oh… oh, honey, no. It’s not called SALTsa. It’s SALSA. See?” *I show her the label again*

Customer: “Oh, that must be the Spanish version. They don’t have a ‘t’ in their language.”

Me: “I’m going to go slice tomatoes now…”

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How To Make A Vegetarian Fuming

| UK | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(We sell hot jacket potatoes in our shop. These are baked at the start of the day, and then kept in a hot display cupboard. An hour before closing time we turn the hot cupboard off so it can be cleaned safely. Customers who want a potato after this point can have them reheated and served for a lower price. Also note: the hot cupboard also contains breakfast items like bacon and sausages.)

Customer: “I’ll have a reheated jacket potato, please.”

Cashier: *puts potato in a container, then goes to put container in microwave, and while doing so removes a sausage roll that was inside*

Customer: *suddenly shouting* “Excuse me, but I’m a strict vegetarian! I can’t eat ANYTHING that’s been that close to meat!”

Cashier: *confused* “But they haven’t touched at all! The potato is in a box!”

Customer: “But the FUMES will contaminate it!”

Cashier: *looks at hot cupboard, which has bacon displayed prominently* “Really?”

Customer: “Well, if you’re not going to accommodate MY needs, I’ll take my business elsewhere!”

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We’re Living In A Bag Dystopia

| KY, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(I’ve just finished ringing up a customer’s to-go order.)

Me: “Would you like a bag for all that?”

Customer: “Oh, do you have bags?”

Me: “Y-yes. Would you like one?”

Customer: “Ooh, could I have one?”

Me: “Um, sure.”

(I guess it sounded too good to be true.)

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Making A Mug Out Of You

, | Southlake, TX, USA | Food & Drink

(I work at a bakery and cafe that uses regular words (small, med, large) for coffee sizes, but having worked for the Siren in the past, I know their language, too.)

Customer: “…and a tall coffee.”

Me: *repeating back order* “…and one small coffee.”

Customer: “NO. I said TALL. T-A-L-L. I don’t know what words you guys use here, but I need a tall.”

Me: “Oh, sorry, I used to work at [Competitor] so I know that tall is small for them. We make it easy and just use small, medium, and large.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever, a regular then.”

Me: “Okay, so one medium coffee?”

Customer: “YES.”

(We finish the transaction, which ends with me giving her a medium paper cup for the self-serve coffee. Afterwards, I step away from the register for a moment to help run food and bus tables. I return to the register to see the same customer walking up.)

Customer: “I need a cup.”

Me: “Oh, sorry, did I forget to give you one?”

Customer: *holding up the cup I gave her* “No, I need a CUP. C-U-P.”

Me: “Do you need a second one, to double-cup it?”

Customer: “NO, I spent so long telling you what size I wanted that I forgot to tell you that I want a CUP.”

Me: “Oh, do you want a ceramic mug? Let me go get you one!”

(The real kicker is, we only have one size mug so we could have avoided all this if she started with that!)

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