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Those Must Be Some Magic Beans

| Richmond, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography

Customer: “I need a pound of beans. Do you have any Mexican beans?”

Me: “Today all we have are beans from Ethiopia and Sumatra.”

Customer: “Which one of those is from Mexico?”

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Take It On The House!

| Richmond, VA, USA | Food & Drink

Customer: “What is your house blend today?”

Me: “Today our drip coffee is from Brazil. We actually don’t use blends. Everything is single-origin.”

Customer: “So you don’t have house blends?”

Me: “These beans are lightly roasted, which many people prefer for drip coffee. I think you will be satisfied.”

Customer: “But I just want a house blend!”

Me: *handing her a cup* “Try the Brazil. That is the only coffee we have brewed at the moment.”

Customer: “Will you brew a house blend later today?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: *looking at the airpot* “So Brazil is your only house blend today?”

Me: “Yes.”

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Will Have To Gingerly Decline

, | UK | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

(My friend and I have a Christmas tradition of a zoo day together. We always have a coffee half way round as it’s the best in the area. For Christmas, the cafe has limited edition flavours including chocolate orange and gingerbread. We get to the till and this happens.)

Friend: “Ooh, the gingerbread latté is back!”

Cashier: “Sorry, we only have amaretto, hazelnut, or mint available at the moment.”

Me: “Oh, okay, no problem. I’ll have an orange hot chocolate—”

Friend: “—and a gingerbread latté.”

Cashier: *raises hands laughing*

Me: “Oh, god… I’m one of those people today!”

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Your Whipped Got Whupped

| Canada | Rude & Risque

(I’m working the drive-thru at a popular coffee shop when this happens. It’s been a long day and my brain-to-mouth filter is essentially shot.)

Customer: “…and a non-fat pumpkin spice latte.”

Me: “Would you like whip on that, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah. Whip me. Everyone needs a good whipping sometimes.”

Me: *without pause* “Only if you buy me dinner first, sir.”

Customer: *crickets chirping in his car*

Me: “Your total is [total] at the window.”

(At the window, the guy was bright red and couldn’t look at me. Meanwhile, the woman in the passenger seat leaned over, still laughing, to say “I needed that laugh. and thank you. He hasn’t been this quiet since before we got married!” He never spoke a word the whole time.)

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Also Not Eating Toes So Hold The Tomatoes

| Brooklyn, NY, USA | Food & Drink

Customer: “I WANT the breakfast burrito but I’m watching my sodium intake.”

Me: “Well, you can leave off the sausage and bacon and just do the eggs, a low-salt cheese like the low sodium mozzarella, and the fixings — salsa, jalapenos, lettuce, tomatoes.”

Customer: “No, I’m watching my sodium intake, so no salsa. And it’s no good without the salsa.”

Me: “Our salsa IS low-sodium. See?” *I hold up the container*

Customer: “That’s not possible; it’s salsa. It’s, like, mostly salt.”

Me: “Well, this isn’t? This is mostly just the tomatoes and spices and peppers.”

Customer: “No, salsa without salt isn’t possible. That’s why it’s called SALTsa.”

(I laugh, thinking she’s joking but she stares at me.)

Customer: “No, really, that’s why they named it that.”

Me: “Oh… oh, honey, no. It’s not called SALTsa. It’s SALSA. See?” *I show her the label again*

Customer: “Oh, that must be the Spanish version. They don’t have a ‘t’ in their language.”

Me: “I’m going to go slice tomatoes now…”

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