My dad was very ill for a very long time, and he recently died. My mum is sorting everything out — getting stuff cancelled or put into her name only.

After a few weeks, only two things are left in his name: the phone and the TV.

She calls her satellite television company and asks to speak to the cancellations department.

Cheery Operator: “I can help you with that!”

Mum: “Oh, that helps. I need to cancel with you. My husband was the only one who watched your service and he died a month ago, so I’d like to cancel the entire thing.”

Cheery Operator: “I can do that for you! So, you’d like to add our sports package for your husband, yeah?”

Mum: “No, my husband died. I’m wanting to cancel the entire thing.”

Cheery Operator: “I can sort that! I’ll add the sports package for your husband now, for only [double what Dad had been paying for just movies].”

Mum: “No. MY HUSBAND DIED. THERE IS NOBODY HERE TO WATCH YOUR STUFF ANYMORE.”

Cheery Operator: “I can help with that! We offer a range of sports packages for your husband. Does he prefer cricket or football?”

Mum: “NEITHER. HE’S DEAD.”

Cheery Operator: “I can do that for you! Is it just Formula 1 he prefers? That costs extra, but I’ll see if I can find a discount if you’ll sign him up for a new contract with us.”

Mum: “PUT. ME. THROUGH. TO. CANCELLATIONS.”

Cheery Operator: “I can sort that!”

Mum: “…”

Cheery Operator: “…”

Mum: “What the f*** is happening here? CAN. CEL. LATIONS.”

Cheery Operator: “I can do that for you! But they can only speak to the account holder.”

Mum: “HE. IS. DEAD.”

Cheery Operator: “I can help with that. You need to put him on the line to talk with them.”

Mum: “So, I can more than double his bill without you talking to him, but you can’t cancel without speaking to him?”

Cheery Operator: “I can do that for you! But we’ll need to speak to him first.”

Mum: “You’re going to need a Ouija board. But before that, you’re going to have to deal with my son and the national newspaper he works for.”

Cheery Operator: “I’ve cancelled your service. Thanks for calling.” *Click*

Spoiler alert: the service was not cancelled, and it did end up with a headline in the very popular Saturday edition of the newspaper I worked for. THEN the service was cancelled. I cancelled mine, as well, because… sheesh!

I work as a supervisor for a company that provides television service in the United States and a few other countries. The company that owns mine also owns a few others, including a “sister” cell phone service company that we have no direct communication with.

Today is a busy day, so all hands are on deck. This means that supervisors are taking calls until the queue is knocked out. On my third call, I encounter a woman who angrily begins by saying:

Customer: “My cable bill is too high! I want to sign up for cell phone service so I can get a discount!” 

We have no direct connection with the cell phone provider, nor have we ever offered a discount on our services for customers who use said provider.

I ask her to clarify, and she snaps back:

Customer: “I want to get a cell phone through [TV Provider] so I can save on my bill!” 

Since some television providers do offer cell phone service, I first verify that she is, in fact, our customer.

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t offer cellular service, but I can give you the number for [“Sister” Cell Phone Provider].”

Customer: “No, I don’t want cellular service from them; I want it from you so that I can save on my television service!”

I advise her again that we do not offer any phone service directly, but I add that if she wants to lower her bill, I can go over her service with her and see if there are any savings to be had. 

She then starts yelling, claiming that we do offer cellular service and that she wants to talk to a supervisor.

Me: “I am a supervisor, ma’am. I’m willing to dial the number for [“Sister” Cell Phone Provider] to save you time.”

She becomes outraged.

Customer: “You’re lying! I’ll just call back; someone else will give me cell phone service. You’re losing a sale because you’re stubborn!”

Me: “You are welcome to call back anytime and we will always try to help, but, again, we do not offer cell phone service.”

At this, she screamed at me and ended the call. 

I sighed, made notes on her account about the encounter, and went on to my next call. I REALLY hope that no one else has to deal with her level of stubbornness anytime soon.

I am a senior manager in the business class division. I work for a company that offers Internet, cable, and phone services. I take an escalation from a church that has our services. The following is my summary of our discussion.

Me: “So, to recap, your lawn service — who has no affiliation with our business — cut your cable line and disrupted your services. Within twenty-four hours, at no cost to you, we sent a truck and crew to replace the line and restore your service. We then issued a seven-day credit for a one-day outage which was, again, due to no failure or negligence on our part. Now you have climbed the customer service ladder to the senior manager because you believe we have somehow not done enough for you. Is my summary accurate?”

There is a long pause.

Customer: “You have a blessed day!” *Click*

I moved and had new cable and Internet service turned on at my new place. The struggle of getting it installed is its own story for another time; this story is about trying to pay the bill.

When I first started service, I got a welcome email. It invited me to sign up for an online account. I attempted to do that, but the online system required me to provide a PIN. This PIN is printed on your bill. Obviously, I had not yet received a bill, so I could not create an online account. There was no alternate workaround.

Time goes by, and I get an email notifying me that my first bill is due. Apparently, by default, you are enrolled in paperless billing. The email invites me to pay my bill by creating an online account… which I cannot create because I’ve never received a copy of my bill.

I call customer service, and there is a $5 fee if you pay your bill through the phone system. I select the option to talk to a representative. The first thing she asks after confirming my name and address is for is the PIN printed on the top of my bill.

Me: “That’s why I’m calling; I’ve never received a bill and thus don’t have the PIN and cannot create my online account to pay my bill.”

Representative: “No problem. You can pay your bill with me, but I do need to notify you there will be a $5 convenience fee.”

Me: “I shouldn’t be penalized for never receiving a bill or a way to set up an online account.”

Representative: “You did receive an email with your bill.”

Me: “No, they emailed me a notification, but no bill is attached.”

Representative: “There is a link in the email to pay.”

Me: “Yes, and the link takes you to the website to set up an online account.”

Representative: “Yes, that’s what you need to do.”

Me: “The online system asks for the PIN number to create an account.”

Representative: “Yes, it’s printed on the top of your bill.”

Me: *Long pause* “That. I. Never. Received.”

Representative: *Long pause* “So… I can waive that $5 fee for you to pay your bill today if you would like.”

I paid my bill, and she switched me to paper billing for the next cycle. We shall see if I’m ever able to set up that online account.

Related:
PIN-Headed, Part 22
PIN-Headed, Part 21
PIN-Headed, Part 20
PIN-Headed, Part 19
PIN-Headed, Part 18

I am working tech support at a cable company back in the day.

Caller: “What’s the name of that Adam Sandler movie that was on TV last night?”

Me: “I don’t know. I work in technical support. You’ve come through to the technical support line.”

Caller: “Yes, and I technically need support! What was the movie?”

Me: *Naively thinking I can quickly help* “What channel was it on?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “What time?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay… what was it about? Who else was in it?”

Caller: “It was with him and a girl.”

Me: “That’s not a lot to go on.”

Caller: “Oh, also while I have you, who was Julia Robert’s third husband?”

Me: “I can’t help you with any of these. Please call back if you have a technical support question.”

Caller: “Y’all Hollywood, aren’t you?”

Me: “No… this is technical support for [Cable Company].”

Caller: “Yeah, but aren’t y’all all in Hollywood? Go get somebody who knows.”

I explained one more time and then politely hung up. I told my manager about the call, and he wasn’t surprised. Apparently, a lot of callers think the movies shown on the cable channel are made right next door to the call center. Crazy.