I worked in customer service over the phone for a popular TV company. I went several rounds with one customer who was upset about his bill.

Customer: “I shouldn’t have been charged at all! I haven’t used my TV in nine months because I haven’t had any power!”

Me: “Sir, you should’ve called us to tell us to stop service. Since you didn’t do that, I can only get your service turned off now. I can’t reimburse you for nine months of non-use.”

Customer: “You can see that I haven’t used it! You’ve charged me illegally!”

Actually, we can’t see whether customers are using our service or not. I kept trying to reason with this guy, and he kept arguing. After forty-five minutes, I finally said:

Me: “Sir! We are not the government. We do not track your every move. Would you like to cancel or not?”

He chose to cancel.

I work in a call center for a cable company that also sells digital TV recording boxes so that customers can record programmes on broadcast TV (similar to TiVo in the US).

Caller: *Upset* “My box is only 60GB!”

Me: “Yes, sir, that is the standard size of the set-top boxes. You need to pay extra for an upgrade.”

Caller: “Well, I am running out of space, and I need to record the football tonight! I’ll upgrade!”

Me: “I can process the upgrade, sir, but we would need to send you a replacement box. It would take up to five working days.”

Caller: “Can’t you just send me the extra gigabytes over the phone?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Caller: “You must not be a football fan!” *Click*

I used to work for a technical support call centre for a major satellite TV provider. My role was effectively the “supervisor” you got to talk to when you didn’t like what the original agent told you.

This took place in 2016 when the Chicago Cubs were doing really well and wound up winning the World Series. I wound up talking to this customer who, according to him, wasn’t able to watch the Cubs game… which had taken place three days earlier.

I would expect that most people would call when they’re having the problem to try and get it fixed, which is what I told him to do if it happens again. But not this guy. His solution was to go to the sports bar to watch the game.

That’s all well and good, except he was trying to hold [Company] liable for the fuel cost to get to and from the bar and his bill at the bar, and he probably would have demanded we pay his DUI costs if he’d gotten one. Not only that, but he demanded that we give him a full year of free service — not just what he normally pays for, but all the premium channels (HBO, Showtime, etc.) and the sports packages (NFL Sunday Ticket, MLB Extra Innings, etc.) — and give him his own dedicated on-site tech at his beck and call so he didn’t have to call in for support. His logic:

Customer: “If the game were working on my TV at home, I wouldn’t have gone to the bar, and you need to make it right.”

Me: “Sir, we are not going to reimburse you for your bar tab. And under no circumstances are you getting a better free package than I get as an employee.”

The call started as a conversation and then turned into him yelling and screaming at me, then threatening to come to the centre with his gun collection, then crying about his buddy in the Marines who didn’t come home, and then hanging up.

I noted the account and escalated it to corporate security due to the threats. I wish I’d followed up to see what happened.

I take calls from potential clients wanting to sign up for cable TV before the online streaming era. I have a young lady on the phone, and I am asking some setup questions.

Me: “Do you live in a home or an apartment?”

Caller: “One second. MOOOOOM! Do we live in a home or an apartment?”

Caller’s Mom: “I don’t know.”

Caller: “We don’t know.”

Me: “Well… do you live in a building with numbered doors or do you live by yourself?”

Caller: “I live with my mom, so…”

She says nothing else. I stay quiet for a few seconds.

Caller: “I can’t believe these mofos cannot tell me where I live!” *Click*

My dad was very ill for a very long time, and he recently died. My mum is sorting everything out — getting stuff cancelled or put into her name only.

After a few weeks, only two things are left in his name: the phone and the TV.

She calls her satellite television company and asks to speak to the cancellations department.

Cheery Operator: “I can help you with that!”

Mum: “Oh, that helps. I need to cancel with you. My husband was the only one who watched your service and he died a month ago, so I’d like to cancel the entire thing.”

Cheery Operator: “I can do that for you! So, you’d like to add our sports package for your husband, yeah?”

Mum: “No, my husband died. I’m wanting to cancel the entire thing.”

Cheery Operator: “I can sort that! I’ll add the sports package for your husband now, for only [double what Dad had been paying for just movies].”

Mum: “No. MY HUSBAND DIED. THERE IS NOBODY HERE TO WATCH YOUR STUFF ANYMORE.”

Cheery Operator: “I can help with that! We offer a range of sports packages for your husband. Does he prefer cricket or football?”

Mum: “NEITHER. HE’S DEAD.”

Cheery Operator: “I can do that for you! Is it just Formula 1 he prefers? That costs extra, but I’ll see if I can find a discount if you’ll sign him up for a new contract with us.”

Mum: “PUT. ME. THROUGH. TO. CANCELLATIONS.”

Cheery Operator: “I can sort that!”

Mum: “…”

Cheery Operator: “…”

Mum: “What the f*** is happening here? CAN. CEL. LATIONS.”

Cheery Operator: “I can do that for you! But they can only speak to the account holder.”

Mum: “HE. IS. DEAD.”

Cheery Operator: “I can help with that. You need to put him on the line to talk with them.”

Mum: “So, I can more than double his bill without you talking to him, but you can’t cancel without speaking to him?”

Cheery Operator: “I can do that for you! But we’ll need to speak to him first.”

Mum: “You’re going to need a Ouija board. But before that, you’re going to have to deal with my son and the national newspaper he works for.”

Cheery Operator: “I’ve cancelled your service. Thanks for calling.” *Click*

Spoiler alert: the service was not cancelled, and it did end up with a headline in the very popular Saturday edition of the newspaper I worked for. THEN the service was cancelled. I cancelled mine, as well, because… sheesh!