I rent a room and my landlady has a humorous “no soliciting” sign that is basically a flow chart for who should ring the bell: friends, family, emergency services, and children selling for fundraisers. It does not include the words “no soliciting” in big bold letters, but it does count as a “no soliciting” sign.

They are laying new cables in our neighborhood and the local telecoms are out in force trying to sign people up for new services.

One day, my landlady answers the door.

Employee #1: “Hello, I was reading your sign. It is very funny.”

Landlady: “Yes, we think so. How can I help you?”

Employee #1: “I represent [Telecom Company] and would like to talk to you about—”

Landlady: “You do realize that is a ‘no soliciting’ sign?”

Employee #1: “Well, yes, but since we are already talking—”

My landlady closes the door in his face.

This exact conversation happens five other times with employees from the company and others, to the point that my landlady no longer opens the door and calls their companies to complain multiple times. Basically, she is told in no uncertain terms that until she signs up with one of the companies, they will keep coming by.

The next day, the doorbell rings and since I am expecting a package, I go to answer it. There is a man in a polo with the logo of [Telecom Company that hasn’t visited yet]

Employee #2: “Hello, I’m sorry. I rang the bell before I read the sign. I didn’t want to doorbell ditch you; I’ll just be leaving now. Have a good day.”

Me: “Wait, hold on. Can I get your card?”

Employee #2: “No, ma’am, you have a ‘no soliciting’ sign, and I would get in so much trouble if you called and complained. Take care.”

I’m sure you all know which company my landlady decided to sign up with.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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A customer calls in wanting to discuss his cable bill.

Customer: “So, next month I will have ten years of history with you guys?”

Me: “Yes! Ten years on May eleventh.”

Customer: “Okay. I am going to need ten years of credits for all the foreign-language channels you’ve been sending me for a decade.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our channel bundles don’t work that way. Only premium channels are a la carte. The rest are in bundles so we can’t credit for what you are asking.”

Customer: “Okay. I’ll speak to an attorney.” *Hangs up*

(I’ve been told I have a sultry phone voice since I was seventeen. Working as a dispatcher for a cable company, I call multiple customers during the day to let them know a technician is coming to their home, or to verify that service is working again.)

Me: “Ma’am, this is [My Name] with [Company], calling to let you know the tech is ready to come out to your home.”

Customer: “Oh, no, it’s working fine now; he doesn’t need to come out.”

(As I’m closing out her trouble ticket and entering the information on her account, we make small talk. At the end of the call.)

Customer: “Can I tell you something without offending you?”

Me: “Well, there’s only one way to find out!”

Customer: “Your voice is completely wasted on this job.”

Me: *laughing* “I don’t know whether to thank you or not.”

Customer: “You should be working for one of those 900 numbers. Your voice is fantastic!”

(It should be noted that I’ve been a phone sex operator for three years now. Thanks for the career advice, ma’am!)

I have cable and Internet services with a well-known company infamous for its garbage customer service. My previous encounters with their customer service have varied from fair to wanting, but up to this point they haven’t been truly awful. This time, though, I got the experience that’s emblematic of their reputation.

Without warning, my cable/DVR box goes on the fritz — the power button flashing on and off, just not working at all. I do my due diligence to try to fix it without success, and then I call the provider. I explain to them what’s going on, and proceed to spend twenty minutes going through every single action I’ve already taken, because the agent will not accept that I have already done them. The only thing she does that I haven’t done is send a restart signal, which predictably fails. At the end of this, she tells me she has to transfer me to a local center to get a service appointment. I’m a bit annoyed at this point, but there’s not much I can do without getting a service appointment, so I agree.

The call transfers, and another agent picks up and starts asking me for my basic details. I interrupt and say I was just transferred from another customer service agent. That’s when I learn there was no actual transfer; the first agent sent the call to someone else without giving them a single detail about me, or even telling them that I had been on the line with someone else! And [Agent #2] either doesn’t believe me or doesn’t care because she spends another 20 minutes going through the exact same tests I have already done with [Agent #1]. I’m at less than my best when it’s all done, as it’s late and I just want to get a tech out there to help me, but finally, the appointment is made.

Or so I think, because the scheduled window comes and goes without any sign of the tech. Cue another call up, where it’s taking everything I have not to yell at [Agent #3], who tells me that no appointment was ever made. I make a point of demanding a credit to my account at this point because I’m very fed up with how this has gone, but finally, the appointment is confirmed for the next day. The tech takes one look at the box and deems it toast, and sets me up with a new one.

The kicker? The new box dies in less than a week. When I call up, they don’t waste any time telling me to go to the local shop; apparently, someone has their head on straight and sees what I’ve been through and realizes I am not in the mood for BS. At least the second replacement box works fine.

(My mom has been on hold with our cable company, trying to figure out why they have started charging her over 30% more. Apparently, we’ve been paying for premium channels, which we never asked for or use. She has been put on hold again when this happens.)

Mom: *on hold* “Why are they charging me for stuff I don’t want?!”

Woman: *on the other line, picks up* “Hello?”

Mom: “Hello.”

Woman: “I’m trying to find out why my [Channel] isn’t working?”

Mom: “Um, I’m actually a customer, too.”

Woman: “What? How did that happen?”

Mom: “I don’t know. I’m trying to get my bill reduced and they put me on hold again.”

Woman: *laughs*

(My mom ended up having some laughs with another random customer about how weird and screwed up cable companies are. And we’re still trying to get our bill reduced.)