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Will Be Fixed In A Flash

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Popular

(I am surfing on my laptop at home when I suddenly lose connection to the Internet. After determining that everyone else in the house is having the same problem, I call our ISP.)

Me: “Hi, I can’t connect to the Internet. I guess you probably want me to test my modem and all that, eh?”

ISP Guy: “Actually, no, we’re pretty sure we know what caused the problem. There was a lightning strike a few minutes ago that took out our server.”

Me: “Bummer! No ETA, I guess?”

ISP Guy: “I’m afraid not.”

Me: “Okay, thanks. Have a good night.”

ISP Guy: “…That’s it? You’re not going to yell at me?”

Me: “Why would I do that? You can’t control the weather, man.”

ISP Guy: “THANK you!”

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A Scrambled Sense Of The Law

| ME, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Popular, Technology

(Working for the local cable office we often get questions about services that are connected to TV, but not necessarily a service we provide.)

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys rent cable descramblers?”

Me: “Oh, do you mean antennas to get over-the-air channels?”

Customer: “No, cable descramblers for the people that want TV stations but don’t want to pay for them.”

Me: “No, ma’am. That’s not how business works. I can either set you up for TV or you can get an antenna.”

Customer: “Well, why can’t I get a descrambler?”

Me: “Because they are illegal, ma’am.”

(The customer went wide eyed and immediately changed the subject.)

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Trying To Go Above Her Stations

, | SD, USA | Money, Movies & TV

(I work in sales in a call center for a cable company. We are converting cable channels to digital format, so customers that don’t have equipment are losing their signal. A customer calls tech support because a lot of her channels stop working, and the tech support rep transfers the call to me. All she is paying for is basically local stations, but before she is getting the entire expanded basic lineup that was apparently leaking through. She wants to get her channels back, therefore the following conversation ensues.)

Me: “This is [My Name] from sales. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m not getting my stations anymore.”

Me: “Okay, to assist, what channels were you looking for?”

Customer: *names stations in higher package*

Me: “Okay, so it looks like those stations are in [X package]. Right now, you are paying for [Y package]. To upgrade, you’re looking at about $40 more per month.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want to pay for that. I just want my stations back.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, in order to get those channels, you will need [X package].”

Customer: “Why can’t you just give me my stations back?”

Me: “Since you are only paying for [Y package], you will only get those channels from now on. I apologize about any confusion. If you would like to upgrade to [X package] and get the channels included, the price is [price]. We can go ahead and upgrade you now and get that back for you. Also, we won’t even back-charge you for the free cable you have been getting for the last three years.”

Customer: “You guys are crooks.” *hangs up*

Don’t Read, And Pay The Price

| Moncton, NB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Language & Words

(Our policy is, and has always been, that 30-days notice is required to cancel any service; this is clearly noted on all customer bills.)

Customer: “Why am I being charged an extra 30 days for service I didn’t use?”

Me: “Sir, you called on March 21 and requested that the account be closed on the 30th.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Well, 30 days’ notice is required to cancel any service. It’s indicated on every bill you receive—”

Customer: “What? You expect me to read?!”

EBT For HBO

| CT, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Money, Movies & TV

(A customer has called to make a payment with a credit card.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, your bill total is [amount]. What credit card will you be using today?”

Caller: “My credit card number is…”

(The caller starts reading off a credit card number that starts with the number 5, which is a Mastercard, but I notice that what she is reading is over 16 digits long.)

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but the credit card number you gave me is too long. Is it a Master Card?”

Customer: “No, it’s EBT.”

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