A customer comes to my register with a whole bunch of large cuts of meat. I go to scan them automatically, but when I grab the label, it moves.

Due to the slightly damp meat packages, I can see that she’s taken the labels of cheaper cuts of meat; these are $20 cuts of meat with $7 labels! I call my manager over.

Customer: “What are you doing?! I’m in a hurry!”

Me: “I just need to check something with my manager, ma’am.”

Customer: “But… I’m in a hurry!”

My manager comes over and I explain what just happened.

Manager: “Oh, sorry, ma’am. It appears “someone” has been playing a prank. We commonly see this happen in the deli; someone orders a pound of the good stuff, and a pound of bologna for the kids and then swaps the labels and discards the bologna down the meat aisle somewhere.”

Customer: “How dare you! Are you accusing me of—”

Manager: “—of course not, ma’am! Only an idiot would try to get away with that with such poorly reaffixed labels, and you’re not an idiot… are you?”

Customer: “Of course not!”

Manager: “Happy to have cleared that up! We’ll check the cameras later to see who tampered with the labels…”

The customer suddenly looks nervous, pays the full amount, and never came back!

And yes… it was her, obviously!

Customer: “I want three lamb chops, and I want these right here.”

Me: “I can’t—”

Customer: “—can’t what?! Count?!”

Me: “…see where you’re pointing from this side of the case.”

Customer: *Turns red.* “…oh.”

Customer: “I don’t eat meat.”

I wait for her to finish what she was saying. She stops talking and looks at me.

Me: “Okay. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “I need to get a steak for my husband. I don’t eat meat.”

Me: “Sure. Do you know what kind of steak he likes?”

Customer: “He said he likes fillets. I don’t eat meat.”

Me: “Okay. I’ve got sirloin fillets and tenderloin fillets. Probably…”

Customer: “I don’t eat meat.”

Me: “Both are good steaks. The tenderloin is going to be better. It’s kinda the top level for steaks.”

Customer: “I don’t eat meat.”

Me: “Let’s go with the tenderloin fillet.”

I wrap up the steak. She holds it with two fingers, like it’s a dirty diaper. She starts to walk away with a look of disgust on her face. She stops, and turns back to me.

Customer: “I don’t eat meat.”

We have a deli that sells little appetizers like bacon-wrapped turkey bites, and ready-to-eat prepared food. These come prepackaged from a vendor. I work in the meat department that does NOT sell ready-to-eat foods.

A customer calls the store:

Customer: “I’m having really bad tummy aches and explosive diarrhea!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but why are you calling us?”

Customer: “I got the stomach bug from eating your little bacon lardons!”

Me: “Can I ask how you cooked the lardons?”

Customer: “Cooked?”

Me: “Yes. What temperature and for how long?”

Customer: “I didn’t cook them! You don’t cook deli food!”

Ladies and gents, she ATE THE MEAT RAW. Absolutely no cooking was done, and she was popping them in her mouth like candy. We promptly explained the difference between the meat counter and the deli… and how to tell the difference between pre-cooked and raw meat…

A customer comes up to me near the meat counter and just says without context:

Customer: “I want a large one.”

Me: “A large what?”

Customer: *Eye roll.* “Not. A. Small. Sized. One.”

Me: “I meant what did you want? You haven’t told me what.”

Customer: *Bigger eye roll.* “Jesus. Pork tenderloin!”

Related:
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 12
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 11
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 10
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 9
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 8