How To Butcher Reading

| Working | May 25, 2016

(In high school I took an early childhood education class, and need an extra copy of the children’s book ‘The Cat In The Hat’ by Dr Seuss. I’ve found someone with a copy they’re willing to just give to me so I stop by their workplace to pick it up.)

Me: “Hi, I can’t remember her name but I’m picking up the book The Cat In The Hat from someone that works here.”

Worker #1: *to Worker #2* “Is that you? I know it’s not me.”

Worker #2: “Oh, that must be [Worker #3]. She’s the only one here who reads.”

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Sadly Such Customers Are Not Rare

| Right | March 2, 2016

(Being a butcher shop, most of our meats are quite obviously raw. I am helping a customer pick out a steak.)

Customer: “I want the rare one.”

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Best To Nip(ple) That One In The Bud

| Right | February 10, 2016

(A customer has asked me for five kilos of pork belly, in large pieces, but she has rejected every piece I’ve shown her, after looking at the underside of it. Note that pork belly comes with the skin on.)

Me: *after another refusal* “May I ask wh—”

Customer: “They have nipples!”

Me: *looking at the tiny nipples on the skin side* “Uh… yes?”

Customer: “I don’t want it with nipples!”

Me: “It’s pork belly. That’s… where the nipples are.”

Customer: “I need it without nipples.”

Me: “I can have the butcher remove the skin for you…”

Customer: “NO. I’ll still know they were there.”

Me: “Okay, so… what would you like?”

Customer: “Don’t you have any without nipples?”

Me: “All mammals have nipples, ma’am.”

(She didn’t buy any pork belly.)

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Repeating Their Missed Steak

| Right | January 12, 2016

Customer: “Do you have a one-pound prime rib roast?”

Me: “…That would be a rib steak.”

Customer: “No, I want it to be a roast.”

Me: “…It isn’t.”

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Overtime Crime, Part 5

| Working | July 24, 2015

(The shop I worked at was part of a major chain. The manager and rest of the team were awesome and always friendly. The regional manager though, was a hard-a**. One day, we’re short two people, who called in sick. As a result, there’s only me, another girl, and the butcher. With two hours left on the clock till closing time, the regional manager suddenly turns up.)

Regional Manager: “So, I heard you had two people call in sick? Okay, I’ll help out a bit.”

(He went straight for the office in the back to do paperwork. The butcher loved it, since it was originally his responsibility, and he hated it. About an hour before closing, we start some light cleaning, like taking away empty trays and taking out the trash, and cleaning some lesser-used knives. We do this an hour early because we had to clean the entire shop top to bottom, and had two people less to help.)

Regional Manager: “HEY! Why are you cleaning? It’s not closing time yet!”

Butcher: “Yeah, but we have less people. We have to clean the entire shop, and remember how you reprimanded us last month because we had too much overtime?”

Regional Manager: “That’s no excuse! Put everything back! There might be customers coming in!”

Butcher: *to me* “Nonsense, nobody comes in after this hour, ever. We won’t sell another thing, mark my words.”

(We put everything back as it was, and wait for closing time. Of course, like predicted, nobody came in. As soon as the clock strikes the hour, we close the door and start cleaning. We have limited time, but are a bit optimistic, since the regional manager is still in the office doing paperwork. We expected him to stay there and count the till and order everything for the next week. However…)

Regional Manager: “Well, see ya!”

Me: “Wait what? Where are you going?”

Regional Manager: “Home. My wife is making dinner.”

Butcher: “You’re not going to help? Not even the paperwork?”

Regional Manager: “Nope. That’s your responsibility. It’s bad enough I had to take over from you as it is. Don’t let that happen again!”

(Of course, we worked late because we had to clean the entire shop with only two people, while the butcher had to do paperwork. We ended up staying only an hour late, but still we got another reprimand for “too much overtime” from the regional manager.)


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