Customer: “I’ll take a porterhouse.”

Me: “Yes, sir. Which one would you like?”

Customer: “Any of them. They all look good.”

I select one that has a nice-sized fillet and good marbling.

Customer: “Wow. You’re lucky I’m not picky.”

Me: “Did you want a different one?”

Customer: *Sighs.* “No. That one is fine… I guess.”

Me: “I can get you any one you want.”

Customer: *Deeper sigh.* “This one is fine.”

Me: “Seriously, these are all available.”

Customer: *Deepest of all sighs.* “No. I just have to accept what life has chosen for me.”

Me: “Okay.”

I bag up and hand over his steak. As he’s paying:

Customer: *Sigh that breaks existence.*

I was working a second job at a small grocery and butcher shop a few nights a week to help pay for my kids’ activities. I was hired specifically as a cashier.

One night when I came in for my 6 PM shift, I was told there was a “new system.” Apparently, the person who used to do the butcher shop’s end-of-day cleaning and sanitizing had quit. Instead of hiring someone new, the owners decided that the cashiers could just do it in between customers.

The setup was this: the owner would sit in their office (watching TV, of course), and when a customer came in—the doorbell would ring—they’d buzz the phone in the butcher area so a cashier could run out and check them out. Meanwhile, the cashier was expected to scrub down the butcher shop in the back between customers.

Owner: “So from now on, you’ll clean the butcher area while you’re on shift. When a customer comes in, I’ll buzz you.”

Me: “Uh, no. I was hired to run the register and stock shelves, not clean up the butcher shop.”

Owner: “Then you’ll clean the butcher shop, or you can consider yourself fired.”

And with that, they turned and walked away.

Me: “Fine.”

I grabbed my things, walked out, and went home. Done. Game over.

What the owner apparently assumed was that my “Fine” meant I had given in and gone to clean. So, for the next two hours, every time the doorbell rang, they buzzed the butcher area… with no one there to answer. No one came to check customers out. By the time they figured it out, the store’s liquor, cigarettes, and scratchers had been cleaned out by opportunistic customers.

At 7:30 PM, I got a screaming phone call from the owner.

Owner: “Where the h*** are you?! Do you know how much has been stolen? I’m calling the police! You’re going to be arrested for this!”

Me: “You fired me, remember? You literally told me to consider myself fired. That’s exactly what I did.”

Owner: “This is your fault! You abandoned your post!”

Sure enough, the owner called the police and tried to have me arrested as an accomplice to theft because I had left. The cops called me and asked me to come to the store, which I did. I explained the situation and told them to check the security cameras.

They did. And there, in crystal clear audio, was the owner saying:

Owner: *On tape.* “Then you’ll clean the butcher shop, or you can consider yourself fired.”

Case closed. The police told me I was free to leave.

I estimate they lost about $30,000 in inventory that night. Actions, meet consequences.

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Customer: “I want some squirters.”

Me: “I’m… I’m sorry?”

Customer: “These. Right here. Squirter clams.”

Me: “You mean the steamer clams?”

Customer: “Yeah. Why? What did I say?”

I own a relatively small meat shop. We sell various meats, including fish and other seafood. Two young men come in.

Couple: “We are organizing a party tonight, and our usual meat place is closed for renovation, so we are here to choose meat for our party.”

Me: “Sure, what kind of meat would you like?”

Couple: “We think you may help us decide. But we need to be sure the meat is not from a dead animal.”

Me: “Oh, so you want meat alternatives, like tofu, pea protein, soy protein, and so on. We only sell real meat, but there is a store around—”

Couple: “—No, no, we want real meat.”

I point to our water tanks with fish and other live seafood.

Couple: “What? And kill it ourselves? We repeat, we want real meat, but not from a dead animal. It can’t be killed. We are against it.”

Me: “What? You do realize all real meat is from dead animals, right? Have you ever tried real meat?”

Couple: “Yes, our usual place always gives us meat that was not killed. They promised us this.”

They told me the store name, and I know them.

Me: “Well, if you are okay with someone lying to you because you don’t have common knowledge about life, then it is your choice. I can guarantee you all meat comes from animals. What do you expect, they cut their meat and release them so they can go away? You think someone cut this chicken breast and the chicken went away to grow its breast again?”

They stared at each other, then at me, then at other customers who very simply laughing and mocking them, and then they left. Thankfully, they never came back. I hope they found the “meat” they were looking for.

A lady comes up to the counter in the butcher at the grocery store where I work.

Customer: “Can I go first? My parking is about to expire.”

Me: “You’re asking to cut the line?”

Customer: “No! I just want to go first.”

I then loudly inform everyone in the line:

Me: “The old queueing system has now been replaced with a new system, based on how long you have left on your parking meter!”

Customer Being Served: “Mine expired already!”

Next Customer: “Mine has a minute left!”

Other Customer: “About ninety seconds for me!”

She took the hint and left with a huff.