| USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(I work at a butchers shop. A young woman enters with a container.)

Woman: “Did you know none of your items are vegan?”

Me: “Yes…”

Woman: “If you want more vegan customers, you should sell some of my tofu loaf.”

(She hands me the container.)

Me: “Um, I don’t think I’m going to be getting a lot of vegan customers no matter what I sell.”

Woman: “That’s a shame. You’re losing the hipster customers, which makes up, like, 50% of customers.”

Me: “Okay, thanks…”

Woman: *suddenly shrieking* “SELL TOFU LOAF!”


Patient Laughter

| USA | At The Checkout

(My mom and I enter a meat market to buy more chicken, as my sister is having friends over for dinner and we don’t have enough at home. Only one register is open as we enter the checkout line, and there is one lady in front of us. The machine is not working with her card, and the system is failing repeatedly, even after the cashier switches registers. Meanwhile, a line has formed behind us.)

Cashier: “I don’t know what is happening. Let me try once more. I’m sorry it’s taking so long.”

Lady In Front Of Us: “It’s fine. We are all learning how to be patient today!”

Man Behind Us: *in joking tone, while smiling* “Hurry up!”

(Everyone in line starts laughing.)

Mom: “Oh, no, a fight can’t start. I’m in between you two!”

Man: “Nah, life is too fast as it is. It’s nice to slow down once in a while.”

Cashier: “Let me run and get my boss.”

(Of course, as soon as the boss shows up, the machine accepts the card and works smoothly. The boss walks away to the back of the shop again.)

Lady: “Of course it works when he shows up!”

Cashier: “Yup, just my luck.”

(The lady leaves and we are up next. My mom hands the cashier her credit card.)

Mom: “You can just run it as credit.”

Cashier: “Um… ma’am, the system isn’t working again.”

(At this point, all we can do is laugh.)

Mom: “I’ll pay in cash, then. It only works when the boss is around! He must be back there messing with us, pulling the cord to it or something!”

(It’s nice to know there are still patient customers out there willing to laugh it off when things go wrong.)


Sadly Such Customers Are Not Rare

| USA | Food & Drink

(Being a butcher shop, most of our meats are quite obviously raw. I am helping a customer pick out a steak.)

Customer: “I want the rare one.”

Repeating Their Missed Steak

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

Customer: “Do you have a one-pound prime rib roast?”

Me: “…That would be a rib steak.”

Customer: “No, I want it to be a roast.”

Me: “…It isn’t.”

Butcher Blocked

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Bigotry, Food & Drink, One-Liners

(My wife is an apprentice butcher in a local store who also has an incredibly quick wit and this is the exchange I hear between she and an elderly male customer.)

Customer: “Can I speak to the butcher, please?”

Wife: “Yes, I am the butcher. How may I help you?”

Customer: “No, I wanna speak to a butcher. You’re only a counter girl.”

Wife: “I can assure you, sir. I am a butcher.”

Customer: “Oh. I bet you are one of those women that don’t like men, either.”

Wife: “Actually,  I love males. They go great cut up into steaks and marinated in BBQ sauce.”

(The customer turned and rushed out of the store while the other customers burst out laughing.)

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