It’s Not Cold Enough To Be Stone-Cold Sober

, , , , , | Right | December 22, 2018

(I work at a popular fast food chain. One night, an elderly lady comes in. It’s in the middle of February, but is only a bit chilly today.)

Customer: “I need you to call an ambulance. I’m cold and I don’t want to walk home.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I can only call if it’s an emergency.”

Customer: “It is an emergency! I’m cold and don’t want to walk home.”

Me: “I can give you a free cup of coffee, but that’s all I can do.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not leaving!”

(She was staring at the counter and peeking up at me with a smile like she was going to do something dangerous. I called the police and explained the situation. Once I hung up, a few cop cars swarmed the parking lot. An officer asked where she was; I had her in the back with a coworker watching her. Turns out, she was drunk, and she was a regular to them.)

Repossession Is Ten Tenths Of The Law

, , , , , | Hopeless | December 2, 2018

(I am unemployed for an extended period of time. I end up getting a ticket for lapsed car inspection. The police officer tells me to get the car inspected and the ticket will be reduced to a parking fine. Two hours after this, my car gets repossessed by my car finance company. This is three days before I start my new job. I am not able to get the car inspected, so I go to court to pay the ticket.)

Judge: “So, we can reduce this to a parking fine if you plead guilty. Did you get the car inspected?”

Me: “Unfortunately, the car got repossessed several hours after I got the ticket.”

Judge: “Oh, no! That’s terrible!”

Me: “Well, I have a job now and I’m doing well, so it could be worse. I’m hoping to get the car back on Friday, and then I’ll have it inspected.”

Judge: “I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better. You have enough on your plate, so I’m dismissing this. You have a good day!”

Me: “Thank you so much!”

(I got the car back and it is now inspected. I’m super grateful to the judge, because if I’d had to pay a fine, I wouldn’t have had enough money to recover my car.)

Go Back To Free-Styling It

, , , , , | Right | November 9, 2018

(This is when the big, all-in-one, self-serve, “freestyle” soda dispensers are still a relatively new concept. I work at the concession stand in a movie theater where this exact interaction takes place multiple times a day.)

Me: “Here’s your cup for your drink.”

Customer #1: “We get the drinks ourselves?”

Me: *gestures across the lobby* “Yes, it’s self-serve at the freestyles, right over there.”

Customer #1: *looking around, confused* “What’s a ‘freestyle’?”

Me: *smiling politely* “The big red machines over in the corner.”

Customer #1: *smiles gratefully and laughs a little* “Okay, thanks!”

(I never get irritated at repeatedly answering that same question with that same answer, because I had never heard of a “freestyle” until I started working here, so I have sympathy for the customers’ confusion. But for everyone’s benefit, I decide to start cutting to the chase, while also hopefully still getting a smile or chuckle out of our customers. This happens with the very first customer I try my new tactic on.)

Me: “Here’s your cup for your drink.”

Customer #2: “We get the drinks ourselves?”

Me: *gestures to freestyles while smiling brightly* “Yep! At the big red machines over there.”

(The customer suddenly scowls at me and emits an irritated laugh.)

Customer #2: “So, you think I’m just some stupid b**** you have to dumb it down for? GOD!”

(The customer stormed off, muttering about how rude I was and how stupid I must have thought she was. I went back to the old spiel after that.)

A Grumble Pizza

, , , , , | Right | October 26, 2018

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. This is [My Name]! How may I help you?”

Customer: *speaking slowly in a drunken, raspy grumble* “[Incoherent]… Burritos?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t actually have burritos here.”

Customer: “Aw… Subs?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry. We have pizza, wings, cheese sticks… Things like that.”

Customer: “Oh…”

(Long pause.)

Me: “Would you like some pizza today, sir?”

Customer: “Yeeeeaaaahhhh… What’s the smallest you have?”

Me: “That would be the small. It’s a ten-inch pizza.”

Customer: *grumbles slowly* “Ooohhhhh… I want sausage… pepperoni… and finely-chopped onions.”

Me: “Our onions are actually sliced into thin strips. Is that okay?”

Customer: *grumbles disapprovingly*

Me: *stifling laughter* “So, no onions, then?”

Customer: *low, raspy grumble* “Nooooooo… Throw some hot peppers on there.”

Me: “Jalapeños or banana peppers?”

Customer: *drunkenly* “Ba-na-na.”

Me: *stifling more laughter* “Anything else on there for you, sir?”

Customer: “Finely-chopped tomatoes.”

Me: “Our tomatoes are diced, so they’re in kind of cubes.”

Customer: *low, raspy grumble* “Cuuuuubes…”

Me: *trying not to burst out laughing at this point* “Will that be all for you today, then, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(I manage to get the guy’s phone number and delivery address.)

Me: “Okay, that’ll be [total], and we’ll have that out to you in about 45 minutes.”

Customer: “What’s the price?”

Me: *repeats total*

Customer: *low, raspy grumble* “Ooooohhhhhhh…”

(One of our delivery drivers has been standing next to me during the whole phone call.)

Driver: *laughing* “I can’t wait to meet this guy.”

Unfiltered Story #119067

, , | Unfiltered | August 29, 2018

(This one guy comes in when we are slower than normal)

Customer: I would like a chai tea with two sugars.

Coworker: Okay, one chai tea with two sugars. Anything else?

Customer: Nope, just that.

Me: -makes the tea- Here you go, one chai tea with two sugars.

Customer: Did you put honey in it?

Me: -perplexed- No, did you want honey?

Customer: Of course I wanted honey! It’s fine, I’ll just drink it in its nasty way.

Coworker: -calling after him- Sir, I can make it again!

(He’s already gone. My coworker and I glanced at one another and scratched our heads, wondering what had just happened.)

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