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The CDC Will Shut This Place Down For The Worst Juvenile Hypochondria It’s Ever Seen

, , , , , , | Healthy | June 29, 2018

(Overheard between a pediatrician and a seven-year-old patient:)

Pediatrician: “Look, [Child], you learned more about [disease] on your own; that’s a good thing! It’s very smart to learn all about your health. And, you found out online that we always tell the CDC when someone has [disease]. I think it’s very good when people learn about how we keep track of disease. But from now on, calling the CDC is my job, not yours.”

This Behavior Just Takes The Cake

, , , , , | Working | May 18, 2018

(I am at a party venue for my child’s birthday.)

Employee #1: “So, the cake part is coming up soon. Can you bring it over here? I’ve already got the [venue] candles you ordered.”

Me: “All right, here’s the cake.”

(It is not a traditional birthday cake at all; it is an Asian sticky layer cake that normally has no dairy. Actually, it’s pastry, but called a cake. Ours is deep red and white layers.)

Employee #1: “Uh, what is this? We’re preparing the birthday cake.”

Me: “That is the birthday cake.”

(I then place a “Happy Birthday” sign that I bought elsewhere into the cake, and pick up a candle, when the employee starts yanking the sign out.)

Employee #1: “This is not a birthday cake! You can’t give this to your kid!”

Me: “Hands off!”

(He then grabs the candle out of my hand.)

Employee #1: “That is not a birthday cake. I’m not letting you do something so stupid! There’s no way your kid nor any of your kid’s friends would like this! Go and buy a normal cake.”

Me: “My kid can’t eat a normal cake. They have milk in them. This one doesn’t.”

Employee #1: “Then find a vegan cake shop! You can’t pass this garbage as cake! No one wants it!”

Me: “NO! My kid wants this. We’ve had one every birthday. Also, this is traditionally made without milk, and we can make our own. This is homemade!”

Employee #1: “I told you this isn’t a birthday cake!”

Me: “Look, it is for us!”

Employee #2: “What’s the problem here?”

Employee#1: “This is not a birthday cake!”

Me: “It is our birthday cake.”

Employee #2: “It is if she says it is. Does it really matter?”

Employee #1: “Of course it matters; this is not a birthday cake.”

Employee #2: “I’ll handle this; just go do something else.”

(We’ve had a lot of people confused and curious over the years, but this is the first and only time someone had more to say.)

Español Is Finito!

, , , , , | Learning | April 24, 2018

(I’m a high school Spanish teacher.)

Student: “Finito!”

Me:’Finito’ es italiano; no es español.”

Student: “Oy, vey!”

Me: “That’s Yiddish.”

Student: “¡Ay, dios mío! Are you happy now?”

Impatience Is A Dish Best Served Raw

, , , , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

Many long years ago, I worked as a server in a nightclub. As was often the case, I was asked to work a reserved party. One customer ordered food and a drink – not too complicated, right?

Well, not two minutes after I submitted her food order to the kitchen and gave the customer her drink, she demanded, “Where my food?!” I assured her that her food was on the way, and left to take orders from the rest of the customers.

Every time I passed her, it was “Where my food?!” and patient explanations from me that the chef needed time to actually make it.

After the third or the fourth time, I’d had enough. I leaned in and said clearly, “If you want your food raw, I can bring it out now.”

The customer backed off, and I had no more problems from her until I delivered her order.

Rage Mop When They Just Won’t Rage Quit

, , , , , | Right | August 13, 2017

(I ran a handful of errands before my opening shift at the store. Because I’ve been hustling due to the trains being delayed and I’m carrying four heavy bags AND it’s over 95 degrees out, I am sweaty, red, and frustrated when I arrive. I’ve arrived 45 minutes before we open because I want to mop after an especially busy and dirty weekend. Our store has a more casual policy on customer service — essentially, be polite but don’t suffer fools. I rarely take advantage of this as 20 years of service industry jobs have brainwashed standards into me, but today I am running on no sleep and possible heat exhaustion. A lady is standing outside the gated store when I arrive.)

Lady: “Oh, good, you’re finally here.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Lady: “Are you opening? You’re late!”

Me: “I am opening, ma’am, but the store doesn’t open until 11. You’ve got 45 minutes left.”

Lady: “That’s wrong.”

Me: ”It isn’t. It’s on the sign right here.” *I point*

Lady: “Well, I’m glad you’re here. I need a card.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to let you in 45 minutes before open, certainly not for a $4 card. There’s a CVS up the street and about 11 stationery stores within a 10 block radius. I’m here early because the store needs to be cleaned and this is the ONLY time I can fit it in around my three jobs. Please come back at 11.”

(She huffs and starts to walk off so I go about raising the gate and wrestling the ancient oak door open. Suddenly I feel a shove from behind me, and this lady is trying to shove her way into the store past me!)

Me: *screaming with all of my rage from the morning* “WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING?! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU LUNATIC!”

(She stops, looking shocked. I am enraged, so I simply hurl my bags through the door, shoulder it closed, and lock it in her face. We stare at each other through the glass for a second, then I turn away and start my tasks while taking deep breaths. The phone rings several times but I can see her pressed against the door window with her cell to her ear so I ignore it. My cell phone rings then and I see it’s my boss, who opens the main store in another neighborhood an hour earlier than this one.)

Me: “Hi, [Boss].”

Boss: “Hey… how’s the mopping going?”

Me: “Just getting started. Had some difficulty getting into the store this morning.”

Boss: “Yeah, uh, a lady called and says you slapped her, kicked her, and called her a b**** this morning?”

Me: “…no.”

Boss: “What happened?”

Me: “She was here when I got here, ignored me when I asked her to come back after open, and then shoved me to try and force her way inside. I screamed at her because she startled me and I was hot and tired, and then I locked the door in her face. She’s outside right now staring at me through the window.”

Boss: “Whoah. That’s nuts. If she is still there at open, call the police. Are you okay?”

Me: “Yeah. Just angry.”

Boss: “Yeah, if she comes in after you open refuse her service. Tell her to leave. If you want I can come there for support.”

Me: “Nah, I can handle that. I’m calmer now, after rage-mopping.”

Boss: ”Okay. Hang in there!”

(The lady finally left about 10 minutes before opening. Apparently she had called my boss again and he told her to leave or he’d call the police. Then she called again and screamed at him and he hung up on her. She left eight voice messages on our machine.)