In(tentional) Sickness And In Health

, , , , , , | Healthy Right | March 14, 2010

(We respond to an unconscious diabetic. While my partner is treating the patient, I am asking the wife some questions.)

Me: “So, is your husband on any medications?”

(She lists the medications her husband is on, including insulin.)

Me: “And has he been compliant with those medications lately?”

Wife: “Nope.”

Me: “Do you know why not?”

Wife: “Well, we had a big fight last week, so I hid all his meds. He hasn’t found them yet.”


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Unfortunately, The Vice Squad Is All Tied Up At The Moment

, , , , , | Right | February 24, 2010

Customer: “You ought to be ashamed of yourself! There are kinky things in the family section!”

Me: “I’m sorry, maybe something got incorrectly shelved. If you could just show me?”

Customer: “Here! Look!”

(He grabs a DVD and waves it under my face. It’s an old episode of ‘Doctor Who’ which features the main character blindfolded on the cover.)

Me: “Sir, that is an old children’s show. There’s nothing adult, kinky or otherwise, going on there.”

Customer: “Don’t be ridiculous! I know filth when I see it!”

Me: “I promise you, this is a popular family show in Britain.”

Customer: “Well, no wonder they’re all perverts over there! I demand you remove this from your shelves! You shouldn’t sell these things if you haven’t even seen them!”

Me: “Actually, I have seen it, and I wholeheartedly approve.”

Customer: “Pervert!”

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Time Zoned Out

, , , , | Right | January 5, 2010

(A customer calls in from Los Angeles.)

Caller: “How late are you open there?”

Me: “Five pm.”

Caller: “Yeah, but like, what time zone?”

Me: “Five pm, Pacific Standard Time.”

Caller: “What time would that be here?”

Me: “Sir, we are directly north of you so we are on the same clock as you; Pacific Standard Time.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t know your Canadian time zones! What’s that in American?”

Me: “Sir, what time is it there?”

Caller: “Three pm”

Me: “It is three pm here as well; we are on the same time. We close in two hours at 5 pm your time.”

Caller: “Wait a minute! It’s the same time there? Don’t you have your own time?”


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Displaying Full Evidence Of Idiocy

, , , , , , , | Right | September 29, 2009

A customer pulls up in a burgundy taxi, tells the driver to wait, and then comes into the store.

He then pulls a knife and a garbage bag, and tells me to fill the bag with cartons of cigarettes.

I fill the bag, and watch as the crook then runs into what he thinks is his burgundy taxi, and slams the door behind himself.

Unbeknownst to him, I have just watched the taxi drive away, after seeing him attempt to rob the store, and a burgundy cop car, driven by a store regular, pull up.

Now the cop has just pulled into the gas station to get fuel, and some random guy has jumped into the back of his cop car, holding a knife and a bag full of stolen cigarette cartons, and locked himself in…

It takes a full hour for the cop to take my statement, because we can’t stop laughing at the idiot who arrested himself while holding the evidence of his robbery.


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All’s Well That Ends Well In Roswell

, , , , , | Right | March 1, 2008

(I worked at a sign making company in Vancouver — AKA Hollywood North — that did a lot of work for locally produced sci-fi TV shows like The X-Files. We did a lot of signage that said things like “FBI Headquarters” that they would use to make a local library look like some kind of secret government research facility.)

Movie Set B*tch: “OMG! We need a TEAK sign that says FBI headquarters down here at the set in three hours.”

(Note: This job normally takes one person several days to complete with staining and whatnot.)

Me: “Okay. We can do it but we’re going to have to charge you triple for a rush job.”

Movie Set B*tch: “No problem. Just have it down here in three hours. I don’t care how much it costs.”

Me: “Just to confirm. You want it stained to look like teak, yes?”

Movie Set B*tch: “Yes. Please hurry!”

(We get the sign done in two-and-a-half hours but we’re literally applying the last coat of stain to it while we drive to the studio to make sure it looks good when we get there. [Movie Set B*tch] looks at the sign and throws a fit.)

Movie Set B*tch: “I SAID TEAK! TEAK! TEAK! TEAK!”

(I look around. The whole set is done in mahogany. Very different colour of wood, if you’re not familiar.)

Me: *points at the mahogany set* “Do you mean this colour?”

Movie Set B*tch: “YES! TEAK!”

Me: “That’s mahogany.”

Movie Set B*tch: “F*** YOU, YOU LITTLE S***. YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS IF IT PUTS US OFF SCHEDULE!”

([Movie Set B*tch] storms off to find the director. The director comes around, looking pissed.)

Director: “What’s the problem?”

([Movie Set B*tch] tells him how stupid we are and that she specifically asked for teak. The director looks at the set and at our sign.)

Director: *to Movie Set B*tch* “God d***it, you’re dumb! The set is mahogany. You were supposed to order mahogany signs!”

Movie Set B*tch: *looks like she’s going to barf*

(The director apologized to us and asked us how fast we could re-make the sign. We told him two hours but it was going to cost them. On the bright side, we got to have lunch with Scully and Mulder.)

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